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30th April 2004
Word of advice
Under no circumstances ever think that Lou Reed is a good cure for a tough day. It is not.
Caroline Says can never be considered an uplifting song.
29th April 2004
Tenacity personified
My maternal grandmother is knocking on 80 years old and registered blind. She's originally from a part of Austria that was Czech prior to the second world war. She has lived in the same house on a coal-miner's salary and then pension for nearly sixty of her years. She has been saving for a new suite and dresser for her house for months. And you know what she's going to do with that money? She's going to come and see us.
When asked the logic behind the decision her response was "I've never been to America and I would like to see my grandchild and his kids. Stuff is just stuff."
Damn. What a lady. She's currently doing some research as to which airport loses bags more frequently, AMS or ORD, and that will dictate her route. I wish I had half her tenacity. It must skip a couple of generations. Nearly eighty, blind and willing to travel literally thousands of miles to an unknown continent for a few weeks; I am genuinely humbled and in awe. All five foot nothing of her will arrive early June and people will notice. I'd better clean my act up quickly because even though I am a foot taller than her, as she says, I'm still not too big to be bent over her knee and smacked.
Better get on that basement quick-style.
Dot com lesson not learned
It appears that Google are planning to float and that the speculation is that they are valued at $2.7BILLION. Now I don't know about you, but that looks a tad like an over-valuation to me. I know they have a hell of a brand and I know they are number one in the search engine market but those two facts do not merit that kind of value.
Assume for a second that this is a sensible estimate. Normally companies sell for between three and five times their annual profit, which would put Google at having a pre-tax profit of somewhere between $500m and $900m which I steadfastly refuse to believe is true. Sure, the dot com marvel provides for some sweet margins but as far as I can see, all they have been adding to their business is cost; blogger, the news syndication etc..
Aha! I've just read the CNN article on it and it confirms that their revenues are around $900m. Their profits are around $100m. Did someone change the rules somewhere while I wasn't looking? The column confirms my initial theory that they have been rapidly adding costs; their revenues are up 177% but their profits are up only 6%.
$2.7b my arse. I think I'll be shorting Google within a month of the IPO.
Addendum: Their gross margin is truly awful for a virtual company. Amazing.
Addendum to the addendum: The BBC is reporting that Google could be valued at $20bn. Now that is beyond amazing and well into the seriously fecked up zone.
You smell gorgeous tonight petal
Scanning over that bastion of quality news-sites, Ananova, this morning I noticed a story related to Boddingtons' new ad-campaign. They have the ads online so I went to watch them; past campaigns have been utterly hilarious so I was fairly well cued up for a giggle. Sadly, while being mildly amusing, they're a bit disappointing.
To my mind nothing will ever beat the "face-cream" commercial where some exotic looking lady is filmed rubbing white cream into her face. The camera pans to the source of the cream; the head off a pint of Boddies. Enter handsome gent wearing tuxedo. As he kisses her, his face looks ecstatic. Having finished the greeting he comes out with "By 'eck, you smell gorgeous tonight petal" in a thick Manchester accent. Genius.
By 'eck, they don't make adverts like they used to.
28th April 2004
Call me a hippy
I've spent the day working on Natzoid's work's new website in between filling milk bottles for Nic. He has developed a highly annoying habit of clunking them on my desk in front of me when they are empty in a "Got Milk?" kind of fashion. Anyway, as I've been working on this site, a thought struck me. Web sites in general tend to be fairly expensive articles if you ask a pro to do them. I have only myself to pay and virtually no overheads and a fine accountant in the form of the Missus, so when I get work authorization, I might just work for myself doing whatever I can get. As long as the Missus gets health coverage, what's to stop me?
I've already had a couple of inquiries from people I know or Natzoid knows about doing some web-work, ranging from a simple form and associated processing to having written a donation tracking package for them (for bloody free.) The only thing that stopped its deployment was a bug that I have just fixed (after many hours of torture.) Deployment will begin over the weekend.
I don't imagine I'm going to dent anyone else's client base (he says looking in the direction of Mopsa.) The people that have asked me to work are all either bloggers who are needing help, not for profits or educational establishments.
In fact, thinking about it, I should really finish up my blogging tool and get it out there so my name gets known as a PHP guru. 'Cos Lordy knows, PHP is my bitch.
27th April 2004
Jesus H
Firstly a disclaimer: Jesus H is in no way related to Steve H that I know of. His book (Steve's) will be published shortly and will probably be about as big a seller as His book (Jesus') so go buy a copy. I don't care whether I need to sell a kidney in order to get a copy, I will have one. I'm going buy copies as Xmas presents for everyone I know who is on a diet of any description.
Secondly, I'm having a bad hair day both literally and metaphorically. I haven't shaved my head in a few months so when freshly showered I resemble one of those fuzzy Easter chicks that come in plastic eggs, and as a consequence, when first rising, I again am suffering from what the medical profession refer to as bed-head.
In order to compound my follically challenged head problems, I today realised that we haven't paid the garbage company in about six lifetimes. I noticed this when the garbage was still steadfastly sat at the end of the driveway. This used to be paid automagically via electronic banking but seeing that I have zero income, I have canceled all automagic payments. Which leads me to consider what else I may not have paid. By the look of the mail, quite a lot. Bugger.
Add to this fantastic day a kitchen that looked like Falluja. No-one in this house except yours truly ever puts anything they have used away. It took me an hour just to be able to see the counter-top, the stove and the bottom of the sink.
Being the brilliant role-model that I am, while I type I have the kids slaving away picking up all their messes. I may tango in there with a vacuum at some point. I have a rule; you make the mess, you clean it up. I don't care whether you are 18 months old or geriatric. My parents were way too lenient with me and it took me many years to become domesticated; I will not have it with my kids.
I'm supposed to be cooking dinner. I'm making my infamous "Jason Shepherd's" pie which is actually more of a cottage pie, which is a recipe probably worthy of Steve's book. I have a picture of the last one that we made somewhere. It was one of those occasions where the sight of the oozing, bubbling fat had to be documented for posterity. Truly a gastric marvel. 
I should get started.
What a pointless, thankless day.
Update: I nearly burned the house down pre-heating the oven, not knowing the grill pan covered in beef fat had been hiding in there. I wonder whether our insurance is for market value? If it is, we might have been set for another year or so.
Update to the update: It was divine. Everyone is complaining of symptoms that either mimic a heart attack or severe indigestion from gobbling it down. The panache a bit of HP sauce and a pile of garlic can add to a meal can never be under-estimated. I tell you, you have never had mashed potatoes until you have tasted mine, and as a composite part of a cottage pie, they are things that you would smack your mother to get at. I pity those who have never experienced some Yates cow and potato combination.
26th April 2004
Goth fest
My brother finally met his hero.
New addition to links
While Bykersink and I do not share the same political views, we do share a love of Billy Bragg and he does write rather well. And he's a Geordie which is always a good thing. So he has been added to the increasing number of British Bloggers in my links. Get over there, say hello and be nice.
The comedy channel
Last night, as I sat watching my weekly dose of Prime Minister's Question Time, Natzoid started getting a bit critical of Tony Triple Adverb, saying that he didn't answer Michael Howard's questions. While there is a certain amount of truth to that, I did find myself marveling at how Natzoid was aligned with Michael Howard and how Michael Howard is such a bloody hypocrite. The only reason the current opposition might gain power is the backlash against the Blair/Bush conspiracy theorists; their policies have had to move left from their predecessors in order to make them electable on a single issue.
Another of Natzoid's criticisms was that TTA has whored himself from being a Clinton supporter to being a Bush-man. I take particular issue with that stance. The picture is bigger than party politics. The UK and the US, despite history, have been solid allies for decades. Blair's alliance is not with George W President but with the American people. As CNN said in their report of TTA's visit to the US this month, the relationship between TTA and Clinton was more of a friendly one while the relationship with Bush is more of a business relationship.
Next up...John Kerry. Mindless partisan rubbish prevails. This election campaign is rapidly becoming a name-calling playground fight. He said, she said. Pathetic. Dragging up what John Kerry did upon his return from Vietnam thirty years ago is pointless. Disputing his worthiness of commendations or medals is speculative nonsense. Who cares?
CNN had a report on their website that I am too lazy to find that had the Republicans criticizing Kerry's record on security. How can that be? He hasn't been President yet so how can he have a record on security? Maybe he has voted on security policy but he has never been Commander in Chief.
The whole US political process leaves me with a faintly minty bitter taste in my mouth. The campaign seems to be run on a single personality for each of the parties and not on policy. We've all done stupid and very embarassing things that we would sooner forget - why should any President be any different? George W President has a DUI conviction and is slated as a former alcoholic and a draft-dodger by the left. John Kerry didn't support the war in Vietnam and made his point by doing something symbolic and probably very stupid with other people's medals. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't like my past scrutinized by the press. Hell, I could be character assassinated with a few words...divorce, fights, nutmeg, beer, promiscuity (in that I slept with people prior to marriage) etc. There you go. Does that make me unelectable? No. It's part of growing up. Does any of that mean anything when looking at the good things I've done or may do in the future? Does it hell.
As I sit in the middle watching the mud-slinging, I'm reminded of Newton. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And I wonder whether that holds true in politics. There's an awful lot of negativity out there and not much positivity. Continuing in this manner is going to make for a boring and navel-gazing exercise of a campaign. To be honest, I can't wait until it's over and we can all get back to focusing on things that are bigger than two irrefutably stupid men.
Musical Monday
In an effort to cheer myself up - it being Monday and all - I started thinking about some music that might do the trick. Trouble is that every song that I have thought about is missing from my CD collection either through divorce or kid-factor.
One thing I find absolutely amazing is that out of all my various Lou Reed compilations, not one of them has Venus in Furs on it. I know. Not entirely the uplifting kind of song that you would imagine would pep a person up, but I'm kind of morose that way.
Others that I can find nowhere although I'm sure I have them are Kate Bush's Symphony in Blue and Lloyd Cole's Perfect Skin and Lost Weekend.
If I knew how to work Kazaa, I'd get on the Windows machine, but I don't and I'm lazy. I guess I'll have to just settle for something else.
25th April 2004
UK finally showing some sense
I know that those that regard themselves as part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy will choke on this, but I think it is a fine thing. In September, the UK is going to start paying pupils who stay on and do their A-levels at age 16 £30 a week (means-tested) as an incentive to better educate the masses. This is long over-due. There are way too many people who leave school with only a basic education. Anything that means more kids in school, less unemployed teenagers and less YTS (or whatever that it called nowadays) - which, incidentally, just encourages employers to get virtually free apprentices, and which is effectively a government subsidy - has to be a good investment.
Another sudden piece of sanity is the introduction of the ID cards. This should have been done many years ago and not just for the reasons given by Tony Triple Adverb. The amount of under-age drinking that goes on in the UK is unbelievable. I have said before, my first trip into a pub as a drinker was at age 14. If I had done that in the US, I would have been arrested, as would my grandfather and then later my mother, father and numerous other people. It is also way too easy to open a bank account in a name other than your own. Just think of the reduction in fraud. Great way of screening illegal immigrants too [cough]. And the good news is 80% of the population are behind this.
As always, to counterbalance some sensible measures, they have also started considering something utterly bizarre. Just because 45% of the UK workforce is female and 9% of business leaders are females does not merit any positive discrimination. Positive discrimination in any respect is to be avoided just as much as negative discrimination.
And a final piece of good news. It seems that pollsters reckon that the majority of the UK population are against a European consitution. Thank God. Now we won't have to capitulate to Central Europe's desire to foster a nanny state at vast expense to the tax payer.
Guess what? I have started listening to Five Live on the web so I'm all UK politicised as well as US politicised. God's gift to radio. UK peeps, are Jane Garvey and Victoria Derbyshire still on there? And where is Peter Allen? Why have I not done this before? It's a certain mood lifter.
Killer vermin
And we thought we only had to worry about bears, possums, raccoons and wolves around here. A squirrel did this. The dogs didn't flinch.
Maybe I do need a gun after all.
The politics of cricket
There has been a lot of editorial gnashing of teeth surrounding the proposed English cricket tour of Zimbabwe. Various church dignatories object to the tour while should the ECB comply with the church's recommendations, they face some fairly severe consequences.
First observation: Zimbabwe today hit a record low one-day international score. 35 all out. Even England should be able to pound these guys. Secondly, I remember the tour of South Africa which must have been in the late seventies or early eighties where the players were banned from the English cricket team upon their return. Why is it that cricket bears the brunt of political activism? In the unlikely event that England were ever to face Zimbabwe in the World Cup, no-one would bat an eyelid. If the English rugby team were scheduled to play Zimbabwe, you can be damned sure that the Prime Minister would not be involved. So again, why cricket? Who is it in the ECB that has aspirations of being a politician? Whoever it is should go.
Cricket always suffers. From cancellations due to the weather, to Kerry Packer's assault to South African apartheid to Zimbabwe. It's a shame.
After football, cricket is my second love. I've spent many a boozy day sat at Old Trafford or Headingly listening to that beautiful sound of leather on willow, whether it be scorching or freezing. One of my main ambitions in life is to watch a whole uninterrupted test match (five days for the uninitiated) in the Carribean.
I just hope that the powers that be iron something out re Zimbabwe and that we can seperate politics from cricket once and for all. That way, we can all get back to listening to how badly England have had their asses handed back to them and the infamous middle order collapses that most of us know and love.
Disclaimer: I know we won the series in the West Indies, but to be honest, it's the first time in years that the team have put in a competent performance. Once again I ask, when was the last time we won the Ashes?
24th April 2004
I know, I'm one sick puppy
But the thought of Leslie Ash breaking a rib while having sex made me audibly guffaw.
And, of course, my sick mind immediately started singing "He's French, he's flash..."
Sorry to my American brethren; this will make no sense to you at all but to similar twisted English minds, it should bring brief amusement and then will be confined to history.
All I can say is good
The CEO of BBC America has quit. Since my move here, it has been on a sharply downward slide. In the past week, they have started airing something that caught my attention, State of Play, which is a good thing. However last night's line-up was not the usual incessant Changing Rooms and Ground Force. It was a repeat of Sunday's State of Play. Not once. All evening. Literally one after the other.
It is utterly pathetic. BBC America is an absolute disgrace to the BBC brand. To let the guy quit is unbelievable. He should have been fired years ago.
From bad to worse
In addition to the cumulative gloom that has been the previous six months, I now have to contend with a home defeat to Liverpool. How much more can one man take?
Apparently the penalty was the first converted penalty at Old Trafford in ten years. That speaks volumes.
Woe is bloody me. I'm off to kill some kittens.
23rd April 2004
How to piss off Kenny, part 2
Give me a telephone interview and tell me at the end that you want to meet me in a couple of weeks then, the following day, have the recruiter call me and say that I do not have a follow-up interview for some slime ball reason. Be a man and tell me on the phone.
How to piss off Kenny, part 1
Start knocking on my door when:
(a) I have not invited you.
(b) I have not ordered anything from you.
(c) You don't know me from Adam.
In the unlikely event that I answer the door, you're most likely to see me for a brief second before 100lbs of orange hits you like a steam hammer. And you deserved it for bothering me.
I know I'm a bit of an anti-social bastard, but really. I am sick to death of door to door salesmen, Jehovah's Witlessnesses and people who think it is my obligation to open my door to them. It is not. You are on private property and perhaps more importantly my dogs' home turf; think about that before you start knocking. I know you'll make the right choice. Thank you. And have a nice day.
The disinformation age
<cynicism>
Natzoid and I had a lengthy argument conversation last night about how the media feeds us what they want us to hear. I know I quote this quite regularly but Paul Weller wrote "the public wants what the public gets." It's poignant in its truism. Sat in our nice big American homes with our 2.4 kids and fridges that can house SUVs, we don't want to hear about starving kids in third world countries. That doesn't sell anything.
So when Natzoid arrives home with facts like 40,000 kids die every day because they don't eat well enough, it does not surprise me. When those facts are not shouted from the hilltops, it doesn't surprise me either. The fact that some political regimes are misrepresented by the left and right wing press doesn't make me scream with outrage. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I know what I'm fed should be taken with several very large grains of salt. Hell, I don't believe most of what I read or watch of current affairs. It is still amazing to me that a news station can do a segment that is Around the World in 60 Seconds and that the most popular paper in America has a single page for World events. It's no wonder that the average American can't find Australia on a map.
This monocular vision is not restricted to America though. Oh no. All over the world, the great unwashed open their dailys, usually the sports section and read little more than headlines. I took a course a few years ago that was given by an emminent reporter from the London Financial Times. A huge majority of people never read beyond the first paragraph of an article therefore when writing, hacks try to convey the essence of the whole story in a single paragraph. The public wants what the public gets. Soundbites.
Samantha made enough food packets to feed 480 kids yesterday at a cost of $40 to us. Nic gets through near enough a gallon of milk a day on top of the endless solid food. He's eighteen months old and I cannot fit both my hands around his thigh; he's a bruiser of a kid. Natzoid is dealing with 2 year old kids who weigh less than 20lbs. The inequalities of the world are astounding; it's a crap shoot. They're also mostly kept under wraps, not for the good of our mental health, but because it doesn't sell. But again, it doesn't surprise me.
</cynicism>
22nd April 2004
It's a small world
I had a telephone interview today which will be followed up by a real life interview in the next couple of weeks. The job sounds ideal and I am desperately keen to get it. The interviewer was refreshingly un-American in his questioning technique and we seemed to share common experiences and philosophies.
I had sent the person in question some of my more technical papers. The technical part of the interview went along the lines of "Well, you can't argue with your technical abilities." There it started and ended. I suppose in the real interview, they will import some knowledgeable techie to see if I know my one-way Anova from my two-way.
As the conversation steered to a close, we spoke of mutual industry contacts. And I'll be buggered. The nephew of the guy who founded the company just so happens to be someone I know in the industry. More to the point, a fairly influential someone. I've put a call into him and hopefully, the interviewer will too. I managed to name drop some very respected industry metrologists (after having contacted them) so that can only help.
Another helping hand came in the form of one of my old customers. I received an email from him this morning offering to give me a customer reference. I don't know about you, but I value those more highly than employer references. His testimony made me smile. It's nice to know that those people who paid for your living thought that you gave it your all for them and appreciated your efforts, even if your lousy ex-employers didn't notice the value of your particular brand.
Onwards and upwards. Another roller-coaster day is drawing to a close. Now I need to buy some damned shoe polish.
21st April 2004
I disagree
Starship's We Built This City is not the worst song of all time. There are many, many worse.
Let's just think about Do Elephants Really eat Peanuts.
And then there is Eminem or however you spell the dickhead's name.
20th April 2004
Sloblock (anag [8])
I've just had my own software eat a post due to the security measures I put into it.
Natzoid, as you will all know, is a rising star in her new job. There's a reason people like her succeed. She has the God-given ability to give 110% to her job and at the same time mitigate personal risks, having back-up plans and emergency back-up, back-up plans.
Even when I was told by my old boss, before he left, that I should spend 50% of my time building my own brand, I didn't. One of my biggest character deficiencies is that I am loyal to a fault. To employers and employees alike. Without trust there is nothing.
Meanwhile, back in the States, Natzoid is building a brand. She's doing good work for a good cause. She's actively being head-hunted after only a couple of months. There are offers of moves to San Diego. You cannot argue with that kind of impression.
Meanwhile, back in the jungle, I've applied for a metrology job that is based out of Minneapolis and involves 50% work from home and 50% travel in the Midwest. There is quite possibly no-one in the Minneapolis area that is more suited for this position than I am. In fact I missed a call from them this morning while on diaper-duty. It got me thinking. Do I really want to do that? Natzoid is proving herself more than capable at succeeding in the game than I am. She speaks the language and is far more confident than I am. She asks me for advice on certain things and as I give it, I doubt it. Maybe my last fifteen years of being upwardly mobile were a fluke. Maybe the phenomenal pay rises were unwarranted. I don't know. Maybe it's not worth analyzing the past. I do though, if only to learn which direction I should be heading.
Meanwhile, back in the States, I wonder whether Natzoid's energy and talents are our selling point. As I give my opinion, I marvel at how she comprehends every facet of her business. I'm dreading the day when she picks up the PHP book, masters it within a couple of minutes and then starts telling me that my use of objects is wrong. She is currently in charge of operations, finance, IS and marketing. I am in charge of the kids and dogs and maybe it's better that way.
Meanwhile, back in the jungle, I'm left thinking whether I am really interested anymore. I can stay at home and look after the kids. That is a massively more worthy occupation than I had. And if Natzoid can bring in the bacon, why should I bother? She has way more potential than I have and maybe I'm burned out. Maybe I should have not aspired and should have just taken a job at Volex on an hourly wage. As far as I have seen, aspirations generally lead to disappointment. Good people have gone out of their way to help me, and yet my self-pity and self-deprecation have kept me firmly stand-off. To be honest, my confidence was crushed, and I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
Meanwhile, back in the States, Natzoid is doing deals that I would never have considered. She's playing the game like a pro. I sit back and think. What would I do? And I realise that it wouldn't be what she is doing. That's because she has sloblock (anag [8].)
Meanwhile, back in the jungle, I have calls to make.
It's a bloody dilemma innit? Dang, do I really care about profits and commercial success? Probably because that is what feeds us, but do I have the energy nowadays? Probably not. Some days, commercialism sucks.
At this moment in time, there is a Chinese guy making his way through life with my old job. I don't envy him, but I understand.
19th April 2004
Cheat now hospitalized
I don't like to parade other people's misfortunes through the myre but I'm going to make an exception here. Diego Maradonna is in hospital on a respirator facing respiratory failure due to a lung infection.
I'm English and I hold grudges, specifically Mexico 86 where his cocaineness handballed the goal that knocked England out of the World Cup. He later claimed that it was "The Hand of God."
Since his fall from grace he has gone the way of many other football greats except his suicide of choice is cocaine. George Best chose booze that is taking a lot longer to kill him. No doubt Maradonna's substantial wealth will get him through this, greasing non-hands of God as he goes. He is a disgrace to the game for his behavior on and off the pitch. His lack of sportsmanship and endless play-acting pretty much some up the Latin-American game.
For once, I feel no empathy whatsoever.
18th April 2004
Spring is finally here...
...although it does seem an awful lot like summer. If you were here while I typed this, you would have seen that it has been a balmy 87°F (or 31°C if you use proper units) today. I've been out in the back yard armed with more kids and dogs than anyone should be legally allowed to be in charge of. The only downer was the wind which is what has brought us back inside; the gusts were blowing over my beer which is unacceptable behavior.
The plus side of the winds is that we have a good chance of a thunder storm. I've said it before and I'll say it again; the thing that sold me on the Midwest was being sat in a hotel in Harvard IL in May of 1997 watching my first Midwest storm. I shut off the light and sat looking out of the window for hours. You've never seen lightning until you have seen Midwestern sheet lightning. Incredible. The down side is that we appear to be on our first tornado watch of the year.
Look at me. The first sign of good weather and I'm loving the Midwest having conveniently forgotten the last six months of shivering and cursing.
Anyway, if any locals have annuals and/or perennials that need a home, I'm adopting. The truly fine thing about summer is the garden. Give me potting compost and plants, throw in a couple of beers, and I'm in hog-frickin'-heaven. I can't wait to work again, just so I can blow obscene amounts of cash on plants like I have done historically. And if both of us are working, that's more plants for daddy. Don't you just love the cabin fever recovery?
Update: Currently at 89°F or 32°C which equals the record temperature for the Tundra at this time of year.
What's the frequency?
It is said that the most commonly used letter in the English language is E. I disagree. How can that be when every second sentence I utter is "STOP IT!"
17th April 2004
Recipe for disaster...
Take one 8 year old and move house. Give her a bedroom in the basement. Have doting English grandmother send some crafty nonsense containing pins, sequins and beads. Move bedroom upstairs. Let kids play downstairs. Visit old bedroom. Curse loudly and then faint.
Revive. Spend three hours with three garbage bags, a Shop Vac and a pair of needle-nosed pliers on hands and arthritic knees pulling pins out of carpet and vacuuming beads.
I had intended to convert that room into a walk-in closet/storage room today so we could get started on finishing up the main basement room but, quite frankly, I feel more inclined to declare myself finished for the day and crank a cold one.
Bizarre footballing day
Bolton Wanderers 2 - 0 Tottenham Hotspur?
Chelsea 0 - 0 Everton?
Manchester City 1 - 3 Southampton?
Portsmouth 1 - 0 Manchester United?
Wolverhampton Wanderers 2 - 0 Middlesbrough?
Have we slipped into an alternative reality and I didn't get the memo? I think todays results are about the most surreal I can remember. I blame the government and maybe Jonathon Ross.
Update: It's even worse than I thought:
Crystal Palace 1 - 1 Wigan Athletic
Leigh RMI 0 - 5 Hereford
Sheesh.
16th April 2004
Sorry Republicans but...
The press conference that Bush and Blair just gave was an embarassment to the President. The pre-prepared speeches were fine, but the questions after produced some of the most incoherent answers I have ever heard. There was much skating around direct questions and even larger amounts of inarticulate rhetoric citing objectives.
I have no problems with objectives. I have no problem with the policy, but the unease of Bush was disturbing. I think Blair, as usual, came across as a true statesman. He made some very valid points, one of them being that the Iraqi state is responsible for two wars and the deaths of over a million people.
Some CNN commentator just described Blair as "providing the highest quality spin in the English language." All politicians spin. It's part of their job. Natzoid maintains spin is a bad thing. I disagree; I think most people spin on a daily basis. To me spin is a question of articulacy and being able to get your point across.
The same CNN doofus (Leon Fuerth) has just implied that since Blair has argued that the war was justified based on humanitarian grounds, that he is taking a dangerous route, going as far as to imply that if that really is the US/UK policy, that they would turn their sights on other areas of the world.
Sorry - I got distracted by the doofus-factor. Back to the main gist.
It is evident that Bush doesn't do too well thinking on his feet, which I have no problem with. I am not an instant decision maker either. I like to chew on things before I form an opinion (except in the case of meetings at work, where I just knew that the strategies were fundamentally flawed.) In some people the ability to think on their feet is a bad thing as stupidity overrides reason. In others, those "with", it's a good thing - Tony Blair. The combination of an analyst style approach to thought and quick wit and instant understandable answers is a good thing. I've played the Bush to my ex-CEO's Blair on a number of occasions and it works a treat.
As polar as US politics are, there will be those that praise Bush's performance and there will be those who condemn it. I remain firmly sat in the middle ground. I agree in principle with what we are doing, as unpallatable as it may be sometimes. I just wish Bush would keep a lower-profile sometimes as all it does is add fuel to the fire.
Disclaimer: I have lost my glasses so my blogging will be fraught with typos and grammatical errors until I get new ones. I have a hard time not walking into walls. Call me MaGoo.
I vaguely remember normality
I remember living in a house without kids and without dogs. I can vivdly remember when floors were spotless, bedrooms were neat and things could be found within seconds. I've said it before but when I arrived from the UK, I had a single suitcase. Natzoid and I rolled up to our rented house in Edina armed with a blow-up mattress, a pack of cards and a sleeping bag. And that was it for a few weeks until we bought a little 12" TV and a card table from Walmart. Next came a bed for when Sam came back from her dad's. Then it was cheap living room furniture and a bigger TV. The spread had set in.
I now survey the 2500 square feet of crap that we have accumulated and I want to rent a skip and throw at least 50% of what we have away. I don't mind having a playroom full of clutter and half-finished projects, but a full house? No. I can stand it no more.
I mention this because we have two sets of remote buttons missing and it's driving me bonkers. I have Zoe looking through toy boxes for them and as I check under seats and down the back of sofas, I'm finding crap everywhere. I think we only have one remote control that is intact, but it's sadly MIA; a Playstation remote that Natzoid bought not too long ago because I'm stupid and cannot use the silly gizmo they provide to play games. The cable remote is missing the battery cover and is gnarled at the business end by some unknown dog; I'm surprised it works at all. The TV remote is MIA and is also sans battery cover. The Universal remote is missing a battery cover and as such useless; every time we program it, Nic takes the batteries out and bang, it forgets the settings - surely some form of CMOS back-up would not be beyond the wit of man.
During the course of the search, I happened to enter the girls' room. Expletives could not possibly express the state of the place. Un-frickin'-believable.
The problem is while searching, you have to think like a 1-year old; "where should I stick this button like thing? In the video? No, I've filled that with straws. In the toy-box? No, that's where I keep my rancid bottles. I know, I'll throw it into that pile of shoes. Ah yes. Dad will never think to look inside a shoe." Aggghhhh.
Normally, I just despair, but due to a lack of sleep and the endless screams of children, my nerves are on edge. Add to that the fact that I have yet to get a sufficient caffeine fix and I'm one stressed Eric. I know what the kids are doing this weekend.
Update: Playstation remote discovered. You honestly don't want to know.
15th April 2004
This is sad
So I'm looking around at old photographs of Natzoid and I together (INS you know) and the only two I can find are a portrait picture from 2000 and our wedding picture from 2001. The rest of the time one or other of us is usually the photographer. We've been together for 7 (SEVEN) years and two pics to show for it. Lordy lordy. In the unlikely event that anyone who has met us has photos of us, could you email me any and all? Thank you.
Anyway, proof of courtship is evident. It's called Zoe and she's four.
And while we are on the subject
There is a fair chance that in order to get my status adjusted, I may have to go to London. Great. There is nothing more terminally depressing than having to visit what is quite literally my least favorite place on the planet. No offence, but that accent grates on me like nothing else can. And then there's the tube. Yee Gads. And as far as I remember it, the US embassy isn't that pleasant too.
Pass the nuts
Alright, by now we have established that I am not cut out for not working. In a matter of weeks, I will have expedited work authorization and it will not be a moment too soon. Nice as not having to get up too early is, and having no commute, I have spent the last two days so far up my own arse that I really should have had a surgeon present to oversee the operation.
The first and most crippling method of performing a DIY colonoscopy is the shame of it all. Nothing insults a man more than telling him he is no longer needed and then turning down a MBO but a few weeks later. We had worked on our product from scratch and put seven years of hard slog into it. Telling us to go home and, by the way, we're keeping your toys is tough to take on the chin. In fact, there are days where you want to punch back. But it's a pointless fight.
The second flank of worry is, of course, little green pieces of paper. Ever since I started working, I have always max'd out on retirement savings contributions (with the exception of a six month blip) so I have a sizable fund in the UK and a not too bad 401k in the US. We're getting to the point where we need that money and are going to have to do what to me is the unthinkable and tap some of those reserves. God will cry when I sign that piece of paper. And I probably will too. It goes against every bone in my body. That said, at least I have the option to do this here in the US. In the UK, the money is watertight and cannot be accessed at all, which is problematic in itself. The UK funds I have are, combined, worth a good deal of wonga, but will hopefully be worth considerably more by the time I retire. The dilemma is what to do with them...I cannot transfer them to the US, so I would have to draw down money in the UK when they become available which in turn leads to dual taxation issues. I have spoken to many financial advisers, none of whom has given me a satisfactory response to the problem. I suppose I should just pray the laws change before that date and that somehow I manage to move the money over here (and I'd quite like to do it now, while the exchange rate is so favorable.)
Anyway, there are the first two measures of crippledom. Pride and self-loathing.
I have had to stop and start all the way through this; why is it babies only poop when you have just changed them?
Bad hair bald day
Do me a favor OK? Let's pretend yesterday didn't happen. Normal synapses have been restored from a back-up.
13th April 2004
This is how I spend my days
Envy me, I dare you.
A new low for mankind
The News of the World newspaper in the UK (who I will not link to on moral grounds) has spent the week slandering David Beckham, alleging he had affairs with various glory-seeking non-entities. It's bad enough that these pathetic nothings manage to get their slander into print but it is infinitely worse when the TV networks start offering them half a million quid to appear on the box.
I hope the women in question take up the offer. That way when Beckham sues them, they'll have enough money to be worth suing. Oh, and I hope he gets the rest of their lifes' earnings too, not that he needs the money. If they want to gamble their futures, let's make the bet worthwhile.
Honestly, there are few people in sport with the integrity and ethics of David Beckham. The once hot-head has matured no end. Allowing the tabloid press to drag his name through the gutter is criminal. If there were a God, Beckham would get a large enough settlement to put the News of the World out of business. I dispair.
12th April 2004
West Indies back to kicking English butt
After having won the series, the England cricket team are back to having their arses handed back to them, roasted, garnished and on a platter. The fourth test at St John's appears to be going badly with the Windies having declared on 751-5. Brian Lara, topping the 400 run mark, a new world record test score.
On the page linked above is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Geoff Boycott, who is famed for his quick scoring and massive run tallies (not), explains the importance of scoring quickly. I have not laughed as much since someone threw an egg at Norman Tebbit. Alanis dearest, that right there is irony.
For my poor little un-cricket-educated chums, Geoff Boycott was famed as a gritty Yorkshire opening batsman, who could cure insomnia with his talent for staying at the crease for days at a time without scoring runs. In an era where Ian Botham and Dereck Randall scored centuries in under a hundred balls, Geoff "steady away" Boycott was the backbone of the English team, providing hours of actionless tedium in a manner that has only been emulated by one other player since (Chris someone - Bazz, help a brother out here.)
Seriously though, to score 400 runs in one innings is incredible. Brian Lara has always been a talent. Apparently the last few days have conspired to combine talent, what must be a hell of a batsman's wicket and some poor bowling to create the stuff of legends. It's just a shame I can't watch any of it. Regardless of the conditions, Lara has put in an astonishing display of concentration. To bat for two solid days facing international bowlers is fantastic.
Cricket is one of those things I really, really miss. It is a supremely complex game and unless you grew up playing and watching it, you have no hope of understanding the subtleties of it ergo, you miss out on one of life's joys. On the other hand, it is like soccer in that if you are an England fan, you tend to live through endless misery as the country that invented the games is eternally thrashed by ex-colonies and New World teams (I'm looking at you Australia.) When was the last time we won the Ashes? I'll be buggered if I can remember.
Judging by the length of the Windies innings, this match is a draw unless the infamous middle-order collapse occurs twice within a couple of days (which one can never rule out.) You have to wonder though whether Lara sacrificed a win in order to break the record.
What not to do...
I advise all of you to not fall asleep early on your birthday and then inadvertently wake your wife at 5:00am. Nothing good can come of this. In fact, you will be mightily chastised. She will hate you and threaten to have your arse deported.
That is all.
11th April 2004
Melon? Meet Collie
I've no idea what that title means but that phrase has been bouncing around my brain all morning, and it's my birthday so I can do what I want, including, but not limited to, blogging nekkid. Am I? Who knows?
Thanks to all my peeps who left bidet wishes in the previous post.
And seeing I have even less obligation to censor myself today, I shall indulge somewhat.
Yesterday's trip to Bennigans broke a new record for duration of trip. The kids were absolutely terribly behaved with Nic screaming "Eeeeeeee!!" every thirty seconds. To give you some idea of how long we were there, I didn't even get chance to finish my second pint of Guinness (upon arriving I saw someone with a Guinness and immediately started lusting after one.) I think in total we were sat down for less than 20 minutes. It was a severe case of box the food and take it home. Bloody kids.
En-route home, we called at Borders where we picked up a copy of 'Allo 'Allo on DVD and spent the rest of the evening drinking some nice Chateau du Cardboard (Aussie Shiraz) and giggling at the double entendres.
"Oh Maria my little Cabbage."
"Oh Renee my big parsnip."
Phnrrr, phnrrr.
Class. A full 250 minutes of hilarity. And because it's my birthday, I might watch it again today.
And the best present so far? Newcastle 0 - 0 Arsenal. Thanks be to the 'Toon Army.
You may kiss me.
10th April 2004
Birthday present
I got a great birthday present from Solonor today. I had him call Natzoid and badger her into taking me to Bennigans for my birthday. Bennigans where they have draught Boddingtons, mmmm. What a fine human being that man is; totally selfless, unlike me who had Boddies on the brain for the last two hours, and will be happy to literally have Boddies on the brain in the coming hours. Such is life.
Tomorrow is the biggie - 35. Do I get discounts on buses now?
9th April 2004
Felicity Kendalls
Felicitations and Happy Birthday to Mopsa. Enjoy yourself as you hang around California sipping cocktails by the pool, while we suffer near freezing temperatures on Sunday. Grumble, grumble.
More travel pics
Seeing Yayaempress's post from yesterday, I thought I would publish a few more pictures. These are from my trip to Phucket in Thailand last July. I would put a caveat on the quality by stating that all of these pictures were taken at dawn.
The Indian Ocean
The Pool
My Room
The Grounds
More Grounds
8th April 2004
Fruitcake
From ananova:
Former Northern Ireland Secretary Mo Mowlam has called on the British and American governments to open talks with Osama bin Laden and al Qaida around a negotiating table.
The former Labour MP for Redcar said that by carrying out military campaigns in the Middle East, Britain and the US were acting as a "recruitment officer for the terrorists".
In a television interview which will be broadcast on Easter Sunday, she described the current hardline approach to the war on terror as "completely counter-productive".
Ms Mowlam told Tyne Tees TV's Sunday Interview that Britain and America must open a dialogue with their enemies.
Interviewer Tony Cartledge asked if she could imagine "al Qaida and Osama bin Laden arriving at the negotiating table".
She replied: "You have to do that. If you do not you condemn large parts of the world to war forever.
"Some people couldn't conceive of Gerry Adams or Martin McGuinness getting to the table but they did."
She added: "If you go in with guns and bombs, you act as a recruitment officer for the terrorists."
Ms Mowlam said she was ready to criticise the Government she once served in her new one-woman show, particularly about its policy on Iraq and the Middle East.
She also confirmed on the programme that she has completely recovered from a brain tumour. She stepped down as an MP in 2001.
9/11 Panel Testimony
Condoleezza Rice's testimony is not over yet, but I have to say she has the patience of a Saint. The grilling she is getting is very similar to the idiot business planning meetings that I used to attend, and I can honestly say that I never managed to get through one of those without sounding absolutely outraged at some idiotic query.
Bob Kerrey, who incidentally kept calling Dr Rice Dr Clarke, was not only rude, but used his time as a self-promotion platform. It was truly an ugly spectacle. How Condoleezza Rice kept her cool during that session, I have no idea. Personally, I would have walked the thirty feet to him and punched his lights out.
Dr Rice's testimony has thus far been consistent, pragmatic and sensible. A warning of "a substantial attack" is unactionable. Allow me, if I may, to give you an analogy. In the vision world, there are three problems. The first is to find something somewhere, where you know where to look and what to look for. The second, slightly more difficult problem is to find something anywhere which means you know what to look for but it can be anywhere. The third, virtually impossible problem is to look for anything anywhere which is self-explanatory. The warning that was given in early 2001 is an example of the 'anything anywhere' mission. Impossible.
I'm not a big fan of Bush at all, in fact I think he is a supremely stupid and smug man, but the team that he has surrounding him are pretty impressive, none more so than Condoleezza Rice.
It's a wonderful life
I didn't mention this the other day but during the back yard clean-up on Sunday, I discovered the bones of what would be a considerably sized animal under the deck. Only it was missing any limbs and a head so appeared to be a rib-cage and pelvis that measured probably a foot in length. I have no idea what the beast was, except big. I threw the bones into a garbage bag along with other horrible bits of paper and general kid laziness products, but didn't tie the bag thinking there would be more garbage. I then left it carefully out of sight to be added to in the coming days.
Fast forward forty-eight short hours, and Sasha arrives back in the house carrying what in her mouth? You guessed it. Just the pelvis of said creature. Lovely.
Now, fast forward another twelve hours. I have detected the fact that Natzoid is up and getting ready for work but there is a definite sickly smell in the room, very much like dog-poop. I make a mental note that I have to get up and change Nic's diaper in the next minute or so as the smell is rank then succumb to sleep once more. After a few short moments I hear the screams of a pickled one "Kenny, I'm late for work and there's dog-poop all over the place." Even more lovely.
I wonder. Are the missing rib-cage and poop related. "You betcha," I say in my best Minnesota accent.
Having cleaned up the poop and oxicleaned everything in sight, I dealt with Nic's diaper which contained what? Yup. You got it. Poop.
And what do I have to do if I want to let the kids play in the yard today? Clean up poop.
I'm a lean, mean, poop shifting machine.
This message has been brought to you by poop.
7th April 2004
I was quite startled
I was just messing around doing the usuals; changing diapers, putting on the next gallon of coffee, cursing dogs etc., when I happened to look on the table where I had dumped my coffee cup to chase the Orange Fool. Lying there is a little notepad where Zoe draws. Usually the "drawings" are a load of random squiggles that depict something bizarre, however I was gob-smacked to see this:
6th April 2004
Go Chelsea and Steve
No, not Chelsea Clinton. Mmmmm (sic.)
I'm talking about Chelsea FC who played their socks off to defeat Arsenal at Highbury and thus make it to the semi-finals of the Champions League. They were scrappy, they were skillful and they had some talented players there (notably Gronkjaer). Treble to maybe the Premiership within four days. Breaks my heart I tells ya. Poor Arse.
In the Any Other Business side of things, please take note that the prolific SteveH has moved his domain to Hog On Ice. If you don't go there you should...in fact do it now (although the permalinks still appear to point to the old domain) and see the lowdown on my countrymen's phenomenal grasp on reality. As I commented there, about 15% of the sample must have been scousers interviewed after the "Shag and Shell-suit" had opened.
5th April 2004
Half way to three score and ten
On Sunday, I will be 35. I think it can be reasonably assumed that it's over half my life. What's worst about this is knowing all sorts of ridiculous things that youngsters nowadays will only read about in history books, if at all. Fellow crumblies and techno-geriatrics will remember the following:
Honestly, you call this progress?Configuring uucp dial up to pull down email, before broadband was affordable and before pop and smtp servers. Manually editing the /etc/hosts file so you could talk to other machines. Having to install TCP/IP rather than it coming with Windows. Having to hack IRQs, SYSTEM.INI and WIN.INI before the advent of plug and play. Mono record-players that played 33s, 45s and 78s. Pound notes. Peppers in Leigh. Sinclair Spectrums. Banyan Vines. Smoking sections on planes and trains. Jonny Hotshot. Nettle beer. Black and white TVs. Coal fireplaces. Ford Capris. The 81 to Crumpsall Green. 3c501 cards. Analogue phones. "Portable" computers. Screwballs. Polly's. The infamous Ram's Head rat (and I don't mean Stewart.) Grunhalle.
Ode to my neighbor
Last year you were loud. Very loud. This year you appear to have taken yourself and your myriad offspring to amplification lessons. Your language appears to have degraded too. You speak in enormous walls of sound. Your shouts make dogs whince and rabbits cry. As your kids age, they too cause shattering windows and tidal waves in Asia-Pacific. Your house may be over a hundred yards from my deck and you may be down-wind from I, but your tips about the effective use of WD40 and self-important verbal assaults on your son's masculinity made it not only here but probably to a radius of a couple of blocks.
I'm sorry that your ATV wouldn't start and I'm even more sorry that you managed to fix it. There's nothing like diesel fumes to enhance the first outdoor beer of the year. I'm sorry that I won't let Zoe play with your kids for fear that your frenzied cacaphony of abuse may startle her (not that it doesn't remotely.)
In short, you're a jerk. A complete ankle-biter.
4th April 2004
What the hell?
Mystery abounds. I have no idea what the correct time is. My cable box time appears to be in CST, as does my desk clock, yet Teapot the Linux box tells me it's an hour later and therefore, presumably, CDT. Woe is me.
And then I have that whole problem of whether the software I wrote for posting here takes care of the time change. We'll see. Woe, woe might be me.
This much change on only one cup of coffee is not good.
3rd April 2004
Alles ist gut
Saturday morning. Spring has finally sprung here in permafrost MN, the birds are singing, the snow is gone and Man Utd are through to the FA Cup final once more. The clouds are indeed lifting.
It appears six months of ice, snow and personal frustration thawed overnight. Yesterday I feared I had hit a new low having had a pretty awful day with the successors to the Yates throne but when I awoke this morning, the sun was piling in through the living room window.
One of the truly awful bits of being laid off when I was is that it was effectively a sentence to six months indoors for me. The only thing that used to get me outdoors in winter was my job. Had I been off over summer, it would have been quite a different story.
Now we're back into the good part of being in Minnesota, the to-do list grows:
Clean up remaining leaves. One thing that non-residents may not know is that you have to clean up leaves here. They don't rot and magically vanish over winter because everything is frozen for months at a time. Therefore come spring, a massive clean-up operation begins. Clean up dog poop. Due to the fact that dog-poop is hard to find under new snow, vast accumulations abound. Nicest job of the year. Not. Clean out disgusting garage that has amassed all sorts of litter over winter as we all piled out of the truck and rushed into the house. Finish remodeling the basement. This was an effort that started while I was in China or somewhere but was neglected over the winter months. We're moving Natzoid's and my bedroom down there and converting Sam's old room into a walk-in closet. Corollary to above - gut and clean play-room. Get started on the seedlings!
2nd April 2004
Clean bill of health (I think)
Just had a call from the INS medical place. My report is ready to be picked up for the small fee of $40. Now given there appears to be no requirement for me to see a quack again, I can only assume that I'm devoid of any veneral pathogens, TB, Scurvy, Rickets, Dyptheria and Hitler. I can also now categorically pronounce myself not a chronic alcoholic. And I have fooled them into thinking that I have no mental defects.
Kenny shoots, he scores. Kenny 1 - 0 INS. Oh yes.
Stress analysis
In which we examine the stress levels of a sample stay at home parent. The following chart is based on samples from over a hundred days.
1st April 2004
Satan's army attack me again
It's a well known fact that my wife has a considerably higher IQ than I have, is way more witty and generally has her shit together. Well, this fact appears to have come back to haunt me. Yesterday, I was married to Natzoid. Today, I'm married to an Executive Director. It's taken her how long to get that post? Yup. About 8 weeks. From being brought in to do some tax returns to Director of Finance to Executive Director in 8 weeks. That is some going.
If you can afford her, her consultancy rates are escalating so get your bids in now.
I'm off to be barefoot. I'm going to chain myself to the kitchen sink and buy a minivan. I might even develop a gin habit - no point being mother if you can't indulge in mother's ruin - and start an affair with the bloke next door.
Congrats Natzoid - I can't believe it took you 8 weeks - you must be losing your touch.
Yippee, we may have a visitor
We may have a visitor at the end of April. One of my oldest friends who will, at some point in the next year or so, be a tenuous sister in law is on her way to Indianapolis for some kind of exhibition and she's going to try to pop up to Minneapolis for a night before returning to the UK. I have two things to say on this subject:
1. She picked the right time of year to visit...that precious ten days after the snow has gone and before the mosquitos arrive.
2. We need a baby-sitter for that Saturday night. Step up peeps. I'll be buggered if we're not going to get out while she's here.
That will make exactly two non-work visitors from the UK in nearly five years. I am so popular. I just wish the paparazzi would leave me alone too.