31st August 2004
See ya lad
Nineteen years ago today, my world turned more upside down than I could ever have imagined. It was a Saturday night and I had stayed home to keep an eye on my mum who had just been released from hospital that day. I was in the middle of a particularly tough game of Trivial Pursuit with my then girlfriend when the phone rang. My grandfather had died at about eight o'clock, from a massive heart-attack. It was quick, it was unexpected and it was brutal. He was 61.
Being an ex-miner and a forty a day man, he wasn't going to live forever. As a boy, his father died when he was barely a teenager which meant he had to take on the mantle of bread-winner. He was down the pit at age 13 and with the exception of a few years in Europe fighting to save the ungrateful French nation in WW2, that is where he stayed until his sixtieth birthday. Paid just enough to afford his council house, he lived his days miles underground and his nights stinging from the pain.
I wish I could say that I am half the man he was but I can't. I am unfit to even clean the glass on his Davey Lamp.
The mines went and so did he. Thanks Maggie, you complete bitch.
The more things change, the more they stay the same. See ya lad...no-one has ever taken your place.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 11:21 CDT
27th August 2004
Hmmm
Is it wrong to groove through your house when Dido is singing on your PC, dancing like you've just been released from Attica?
If it is, I deserve twenty to life.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 13:29 CDT
26th August 2004
President weighs in on Armchair tennis fans for truth debate
Interviewed this afternoon by Kyra Phillips on CNN, George W President weighed in on the nation's concerns over the 527 group Armchair tennis fans for truth. Kyra seductively asked the president for his opinion.
"I have been watchifying the news with great concernment," he said, "Misty May and Kerry Uglygirl did definitely win that game. I sawified it. Twice. And then I watchified the reepeat. Hot. It is a threat to the American way that these 757 groups can go around slanderating good honest folk who were just doing their bit for some kind of games thing over in Germany."
"But Mr President, do you refute the claims made by the Armchair tennis fans for truth?" purred Kyra.
"I rebukify all 757s and intend having the SEC investigate Boeing at the earliest opportunification. I propose a constitutional amendification that makes it mundanatory to only fly on those fine European airbeds made by our good allies, the Australians."
"Finally Mr President sir, could I ask you what your thoughts are on the 527 groups?"
"Well Karen, I think that 527 is not enough. This is America, and we do things right. My proposal is to increase funding over the next term so that by 2008 there are over double that number of groups. Personally, I want to seeify one called the Pet Shop Boys and another called U3 since U2 don't support my policonomics. Laura likes that Christina Uglyera girl - we should be making stridations to clonicate her."
"Mr President, as always, enlightening. Back to you Paula."
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 14:58 CDT
Armchair tennis fans for the truth (2)
Fresh allegations emerged this morning regarding the notorious Armchair tennis fans for the truth group. Reports say that they have supplemented yesterday's announcement that Massu should be stripped of his medals with a further release that says Massu did not come back from 1-2 sets to win 5-3.
Mardy Fish, who was present during operation OTF2004 stepped forward to defend Massu, hand-delivering a signed letter of objection to Armchair tennis fans for truth claiming their allegations were both incorrect and spurious. He asserts that Massu and the general media have reported truthfully what happened on that dark day in August 2004. The 527 group refuted his claims strongly saying that "We watched it on TV. I think we know what happened."
A spokesmonkey for Armchair tennis fans for truth appeared on CNN's Paul Zahn Now this morning defending their stance. Paula ripped them a new one before commenting that she had personally witnessed the events of the men's tennis final in Athens. The spokesmonkey poo-poo'd the famous presenter, by blowing an enormous raspberry live on air, a first for the popular cable news network. Zahn, incensed by their actions, retaliated with a wit that would have cut diamonds by mooning the monkey. Reports say that Zahn, while off air, also bared her breasts. Armchair tennis fans for the truth allege that they were way too small, then giggled. CNN reports that no such incident occured and that the extent of Zahn's disgust was the mooning.
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Corrections: Yateswire apologises for the incorrect spelling of Massu yesterday. When in Athens, spell improperly due to your poor attention to detail.
--
Continue watching as this story develops. I'm Nic Robertson, reporting live for Yateswire. Back to you Paula.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 10:25 CDT
25th August 2004
Armchair tennis fans for the truth
"Chilean tennis star Massu did not deserve his two Olympic gold medals." a spokesperson for the 527 group Armchair tennis fans for the truth said on Wednesday. They say he was in Greece for only a couple of weeks and had to be helped in a mens' doubles match by another man.
"It's a disgrace," said the spokesmonkey, "I saw it on TV and he did not win against the American kid. He claims he was on court for over 24 hours in an eight day period. Bullshit."
Armchair tennis fans for the truth has been monitoring events for some time. They claim that Massu faked his second win and was not as brave as he made out in the first. They have absolutely no ties to Pat McEnroe.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 14:03 CDT
Kids, who'd have 'em
Well Margaret Thatcher did. And what a fine upstanding man Mark is. Except for all that funding coups in Africa thing, I'm sure he's a very decent bloke. Not. When the devil spawns and all that. I must confess I shed a tear when they found him after he went missing somewhere, but it wasn't a tear of joy. Now if they can just implicate his mother...
Speaking of bad kids, my youngest two are driving me beserk. We're averaging 2-3 timeouts a day. They are the worst behaved kids on the planet, I'm sure. Sam just taught Bean how to play some crap on the PS2. Predictably she lost a life within seconds and ran back to tell us. While she was gone, Nic got hold of the controls so upon her return, she tried wrestling them away from him. He screamed. What does Bean do? Screams back at him, louder. He screams back at her. They both scream together. Enter dad stage left (at some speed.) Guess what? Yup. Timeout you heathen children.
I'm off to floss a haddock or something. I can't take much more.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:54 CDT
Official notification
Health rants will cease. Number one, it's boring. Number two, it bores me. Number three, all it does is make people worry when they should be writing to entertain me during my days of leisure.
All I will say in conclusion is that it is under control. I thank you.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 11:07 CDT
24th August 2004
How daft is daft?
It struck me a long time ago that US politics were a pile of steaming donkey manure, but lately as the Vietnam thing pans out, I am reminded that it's even worse than that.
Accusations of multiple hundreds of millions of dollars being spent in smear campaigns and a whole boat load (no pun intended) of misinformation make it worse than cretinous. For one thing, all the issues are being obfuscated by personal attacks and the media overplay everything. Sensationalism is a national passtime. The second and infinitely more scandalous and unfair is that the people who run for office have to be independently wealthy. Who was the last non-millionaire president anyone? I don't know. It's a like a throwback to the gold rush days where Boss Hogg ran the show 'cos he owned the railroad.
And campaign financing? Firstly, people are stupid enough to give parties millions when they know all that it will do is line the pockets of marketing agencies and TV stations. I mean, who is dumb enough to pay thousands for a dinner or lunch? Marilyn Monroe could have promised me things that would make my mother cry if I paid a few thousand to attend a dinner and I would still not even entertain the prospect.
It's all dollars. We might as well not bother voting. Let's just see who gets more campaign dollars over the course of a year and make them president. It would cut out all the petty personal attacks.
You know who I want as president? Jack McCoy. Fair and balanced. Reasonable. Well educated. OK, granted he's a lawyer, but we all have our crosses to bear.
How's about someone with an education who is literate? Just think about it. An articulate middle class non-billionaire president. Damn the thought eh? Your success is measured in dollars, as are your electoral chances.
Rich people don't always make sensible decisions. Eg CEOs of massive multi-nationals...cough, George W President, cough...
I find it morally repugnant that the whole process revolves around who can beat up who in the school yard, proxied by the media and who gets the most pocket money. Let's just ignore their exam results shall we and get on with ghoulish observance of the cat fight?
Utterly flummoxed of Minneapolis. I thank you.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 14:53 CDT
And I thought it couldn't get any worse
I missed the garbage. How much lower can you go?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:28 CDT
Typos and the downward spiral
You may have noticed a rather larger than average number of typos here lately. There is a reason for this. Not content with just chundering, I have developed mad sweats and violent, completely debilitating tremors. These are to the extent that I am physically incapable of drinking from a cup or glass and have to use a travel mug or a straw to drink to avoid hurling the drink all over myself. At best I can carry a glass. At worst, I cannot do anything but wait for it to subside. I cannot even pour a drink (thank God Sam is home.) It's what, in my professional opinion, I would call a complete bastard.
Hence the typos. I have a hard time even hitting the right keys, even with just my patented 4-finger typing technique. As I say, a complete bastard.
I don't know who I fecked off in another life, but they'll be fecked off when I find out who they are. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 08:45 CDT
23rd August 2004
And we're celebrating the end of slavery?
Muslim women cannot be raped by their husbands in Malaysia or so the cleric says. It is against the Islamic law.
Right. I'm going to quote here but:
1 - Women in veils walk in paces behind. It doesn't sit easy in in my kind of mind. It speaks of oppression and no other choice than rigid compliance with the loudest voice.
2 - What kind of God can this be anyway when you have to prostrate to him five times a day?
3 - I've not read the book so I cannot recite but I'll bet Salmon Rushdie is just about right.
4 - And the butchers who have all this blood on their hands are the ones who need God to be stood where he stands. Blessing this murdering, kidnapping and war from books written hundreds of ages before.
Name that tune. Paul and Waart are banned from entering. As is Natzoid (and probably Steve.) And no googling.
I's a black cloud that blows no good.
Sorry, but I'm losing patience with the feckwits.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 18:27 CDT
THe ignonimity of it all
My sister-in-law has just emailed me and duded me. For no reason whatsoever. I'm going to call him and have him divorce her.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 16:50 CDT
This may or may not make sense
Background Info:
We have three dogs. Two are huge and one is small and wimpy.
We have two vacuum cleaners. An upright and a big shop-vac.
Main body:
I ritually vacuum one of the dogs because she sheds terribly. I did it yesterday, got out the old shop-vac and vacuumed her good-style. I mentioned it to Natzoid casually.
We got on to the subject of my mum's ailing pooch later in the evening. She is as spoiled as I have ever seen a dog. Toast for breakfast with a cup of weak tea, a lunch of dog food, a dinner of dog biscuits with gravy. And then, and this is the kicker, the games commence. First of all, she gets to eat her carrot. Then my dad hides dog biscuits and flicks them around , and she goes off to find them, a time known as "flirts." If you don't do this at a prescribed time of day, your life is hell.
Contrast this to our dogs. They get fed their daily ration of food between seven and eight in the evening. That's it. Occasionally they might luck out and get rice with gravy or boiled up chicken gizzards over their food but that's about as far as we go in the pandering department.
Anyway two events collided in the little grey cells; the fact that I vaccum my dogs and my mother gives her dog "flirts." I thought:
"Wow, I am mean to my mutts. I should get a third vacuum cleaner for the third dog. They can't share two between 'em. Except it will have to be a 0.5 HP, 10 cm3 wimp of a handheld deal. Such are alpha dogs, the new one would have to be for Bowie."
I explained this theory to Natzoid. She laughed at me.
Who says the drugs don't work? It all seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Lateral thought is a bitch to be cursed with.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 15:44 CDT
22nd August 2004
Update
Since 3am on Saturday morning, I have had exactly one hour's sleep. For the life of me I could not drop off. Natzoid is in IL with the kids so the upside to insomnia is that I was able to blast Batman at extreme volume in the middle of the night. Class.
Still sicker than Brian Wilson was though. Although at least I can eat now.
And on the subject of BW, did anyone see him onLarry King Live? Isn't his wife the biggest control freak bitch ever? Answers on a postcard please.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 10:22 CDT
Naughty boy
Robert Smith is obviously the perp,. The only thing that surprises me here is that he can speak Norwegian.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 10:13 CDT
19th August 2004
Yet another late discovery
In the same way that I missed Joni Mitchell until I was 33, it has taken me years to appreciate Dido. For some unknown reason, I decided that I wanted to listen to her first CD this afternoon. It is stunning. Her voice is stunning. It's kind of like Julianne Reagan but with added character.
Nico has been boogying by me since I put it on. I know it's throw-away pop but she has a talent that I have not seen for years. Probably since Tori Amos.
Mrs Y doesn't like me liking female singers too much. But the female voice is so much more pleasing than the male. I'm an absolute sucker for a good vocalist. And with my new snazzy speakers and boom-box, it all sounds so much clearer so it is more entrancing.
Sorry N. Got all emotional there. Back to being a cranky bloke now.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 15:53 CDT
Another day in paradise, not
Subtitle: Diary of a house-husband
The good Mrs Y bought some balogne for the kids' lunches. Normally I am fine with that. Except that this stuff had pre-embedded cheese in it. Utterly revolting it was. To the point where I literally had to leg it to the bathroom to barf. Who on earth came up with such a disaster of culinary nastiness? And you know the cheese is going to be a "cheese food product." Chunderation prevades.
Nico has a new addiction. I made the fatal mistake of letting him taste ginger ale. I should have known his genetics better. I am a ginger freak. I can eat it raw with extra ginger. Nico's face lit up in the same way Zoe's did when I gave her her first curry at nine months old. The kid now lives on milk and ginger ale. Don't tell anyone. Oh, and balogne with cheese food product. Wretch.
I continue to be sicker than a dog on St Vom's Day. Cheese food products are to be avoided at all costs.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 14:35 CDT
18th August 2004
Today's Mike Harding
Our cat's no hair on, no hair on, no hair on,
Our cat's no hair on, it has to wear a wig.
If you don't believe me, believe me, believe me,
If you don't believe me, then come and have a look.
I've got a gumboyle, a pimple, and a belly-ache,
I've got a gumboyle and a pimple on my bum.
If you don't believe me, believe me, believe me,
If you don't believe me, then come and have a look.
I believe there is something about grandma knitting a rice-pudding but can't remember it.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 13:15 CDT
15th August 2004
Random observations from the desk of our man in MN
Firstly, on a medical note, I just had the strangest of experiences. I'd poured myself a drink and had just got back to my computer desk to continue the endless job-board trawling, when I had somewhat of a weird seizure-type thing. As I went to put down the glass, the whole of my upper torso started vibrating like, erm, a very vibrating thing, maybe a vibrator. Naturally, the drink spilled everywhere and the good Mrs Y stepped in, cleaned up and got me a straw. Complete debilitation - utterly humiliating and very worrying.
Alright, self-absorption over now. On to those random observations.
The first one is that if you plan on moving to the Tundra Minnesota, unless you are in the finance or medical industries, and have a desire to be flash-frozen for seven months of the year, don't. Cryogenics was invented in Minnesota. I think. If your primary skills are in computer vision and the SMT market, there ain't much going on. Try SoCal or Boston. You owe me for that wisdom.
Secondly, I would like to know suggestions as to what to do when your offspring annoy you to the point where you want to throttle them. I thought dog kennel but revised that after the good Mrs Y told me that would be frowned down upon. I'm a liberal-minded man. Ideas?
Thirdly, I'm thinking of hooking up with McGreevey. A little tenderness in the butt area might gross me a million or so, which might pay the mortgage for a while.
Fourthly and most interestingly (to me anyaway) I had a weird thing happen last night. I had a dream so vivid that I had a dream within it and thought that the dream was reality. Nested dreams! I was in Wigan for a family reunion. Except I didn't know anyone there. Hmmm. Stay off the crack. But one of the guests who initially arrived with black hair had her hair turn grey the next time I saw her. She claimed she was a distant relation to me and then proceded to flirt outrageously with me, even convincing me to duck out and go watch a local football match. Truly bizarre. I never dream and there are some times when I am very grateful for that.
Next up. Number five. I've probably said this before, healthcare in the US is like money. You only ever worry about it when you don't have any. There has to be a compromise between the US system and the sprawling bureaucracy that is the NHS in the UK. As much as I hate doctors, I would dearly love to go see one without mortgaging my future.
Six. If I can't have the top-hat playing Monopoly, I ain't playing.
Finally, we've decided that we need to box up all our stuff. It's inevitable we need to move.
And on that depressing note, I'm off to claim the top-hat. Or else I ain't playing. See? I'm an easy man to please.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 18:41 CDT
14th August 2004
Olympics, my butt
Does it strike anyone else as utterly ridiculous to hold the Olympics at a cost of $1.2 billion just for security? Add to that the cost of that bonanza last night and then the building etcetera. I reckon we can conservatively guess say $4 billion. And only a couple of sectors will make money. The rest are bleeding like hell. Particularly the Greek people.
Now what could you do with $4 billion?
I tell you what. You could feed the whole of the planet for two days.
Now tell me that the Olympics are a good idea. Tradition be damned.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 16:07 CDT
Bummer dude
NY was a "no."
Feck.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 14:44 CDT
Still whining
OK - so I'm nearly at the 24 hour mark without praying to the great big floating toilet in the sky. And I have managed to eat something that isn't fruit-juice for the first time in a week. Although I paid for that by tossing and turning without a wink of sleep last night.
Results of the day: Tottenham 1 - 1 Liverpool. You go Tottenham! Bolton 4 - 1 Charlton. Can we have a woot?
More when the Gods cure me of my allergy to salads.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:34 CDT
5th August 2004
Uggh
I hate to do one of those whining posts about my physical health but I'm going to do it anyway.
I should have known better than to eat something green. In this case it was a vegetable salad. Eight (count 'em, eight) frickin' bucks. Within minutes I was chundering like a mo-fo. And I continue to do so.
There is also an onion on the floor to the right of my PC.
The two facts are not related.
I've only barfed twice since starting this lengthy post. Expect silence for a while as I slowly dehydrate and become a prune. God! Prunes. That makes me want to puke once more.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 12:48 CDT
2nd August 2004
Apologies
Sorry for the absence but I have been undertaking some fascinating statistical studies. Namely, that of analyzing the frequency of the use of the words "specific" and "specificity" on the major news networks. I wonder whether they realise how daft they sound when using the same word twenty times in a twenty-five word sentence?
Never, in the history of human communication, have so many overused a word since the word "normalcy" was created. It's fecking normality you illiterate morons. And while I'm on the subject "specificity" is a fecking stupid word too.
And what about that Mayor Bloomberg guy eh? Talk about the B52s? More nasal than a congested ape. And he's slick with it. I don't think I can remember such an odor of smug self-satisfaction since, ooh, last Friday when George W President was tirading in Ohio about how Dick Cheney wasn't pretty. Mr Mayor - Loveshack baby! But he really should have a beehive haircut n'est ce pas?
Current terror alert: yellowy orange, let's call it tangerine.
More later...my caffeine levels are not nearly high enough.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 11:16 CDT
