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November 27th 2003 11:10 CST
On all manner of goblinry
So here's the deal. As Natzoid has mentioned, we are both stricken with some kind of flu-like affliction. The house looks like two very young children have been alone for a while in that every single toy is out and every single potentially harmful object has been put on a surface above three feet. Which is to say that every surface in the house is cluttered with junk of some description. And do we have the energy to do anything about it? No. We were lucky in that we had a joint burst of foolish verve yesterday and loaded the dishwasher.
The problem with this, in addition to it being mildly annoying, is that Natzoid went and invited a bunch of people for dinner on Sunday. Seeing Sam is at her dad's for Thanksgiving and we're (as per usual) sick on the day, we've elected to do the real deal on Sunday. By my admittedly dubious calculations, we have 72 hours to recover and get our shit together. By virtue of the fact that I feel worse today than I have in previous days, I do not hold out much hope.
In the meantime, to add to my woes, I have hit some serious immigration problems. I don't want to get into the details but suffice to say, they are worrying. They are not insurmountable, but it will require some work by my legal team.
I have nearly finished that damned book by Stephen Hawking and am absolutely bloody bamboozled by the whole thing. I can cope with four dimensions but no more. My feeble intellect has really struggled with the layman's explanation and I honestly cannot understand how the average man in the street managed to get through the book. Given that the alleged sales of the book are such that it has sold one copy per seven people on the planet, the average man in the street must have been the major purchaser. And I refuse to believe that one in seven people have sufficient physics or mathematics knowledge to understand it.
My head is so fuzzy that I cannot make out whether the previous paragraph makes any sense at all. And I care not a jot.
For those of you that know me well, Vitamin G has not been doing its stuff which is very unusual so I may have to give up on it and Theraflu. Brandy and James Bond is the only cure for the lurgy.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 25th 2003 10:20 CST
On bad news all round
Well, it seems that bad news is the order of the day. Yesterday we discovered that the cunning plan was not to be. This means that I need to find my arse a job pronto. Contrary to popular reports that the economy is on the rebound, there are not that many IT jobs out there. It's all a bit depressing really.
In related depression, I appear to have caught a cold. I seem to be producing goober at a rate that could only be measured in gallons per minute.
God, today sucks.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 23rd 2003 13:30 CST
On it being fun for some
As is well documented, I hate snow. Everyone else (except Bowie) loves the white stuff. If your name is Sasha and you have husky blood in your ancestory, you may look a little like this:
Stupid bloody dog.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 22nd 2003 11:00 CST
On a rare triumph
For the first time I can remember, England have won a world cup. I am overjoyed. England has a bad habit of inventing sports, exporting them and then watching the rest of the world kick our arses at them. This time, the rugby union guys showed their metle and believe me when I say you need it playing that game. There should be a public holiday declared in the UK.
Kicking the French in the semi-final was a wonderous (though predictable) moment, but to beat the Aussies is a demonstration of complete class.
Shame the bloody cricket team are a bunch of lame ducks. Sri Lanka for God's sake? Maybe we should field the RU side in Sri Lanka; they would have more chance of winning than the current bunch of rank ameteurs. I am certain I could do better with a bat than the alleged "batsmen" that we field.
By the way, now I have the thatsuck.com domain, I have no idea what to do with it. Anyone got any ideas?
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 21st 2003 17:45 CST
On being spooked
The Bean is almost four (in January) and whilst like most children, she has her moments of d'oh and incomprehensible logic, she does astound me in quite a creepy way. She plays a memory game on the computer and is absolutely phenomenal at it. She only needs to see something once and she can go straight back to it; that is unless it is daddy's car-keys. Her other talent is that she can open the media player on Sam's PC and locate the Duran Duran song she likes (OK, so the choice of music isn't so much a talent) from hundreds of others. I have noticed evidence of her reading skills before; in restaurants she will survey the kids menu and point straight at what she wants saying it as she points. Initially I had thought that this was just in Bennigans where the logos for Mac'n'cheese and Pizza were visible, but she does it everywhere we go. It freaks me out somewhat. I mean I know I had some reading skills when I started school at age five, but to be three is kind of weird. I'm glad she's bright but I don't wish to inflict the tortured genius anchor on her or on the rest of the world.
In other news, the amount of information needed for immigration is phenomenal. The lawyer asked me for a certified copy of my arrest record! This is AY in the CR here - we don't do being arrested, although I'm sure there are some things I could have been arrested for (but they were back in the Mad Years(TM)). It seems I will need to go see a quack (and we all know my passionate hatred of doctors) for a medical. They will want blood and everything. Is it a felony to deck a doctor while he goes about a routine examination?
Oh, Miami Vice was excellent today, thanks for asking.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 20th 2003 09:00 CST
On recovery
This is bizarre. I wonder whether she could also spell properly when she got back to normality?
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 20th 2003 07:50 CST
On total laziness: Can it get any worse?
Yesterday I awoke around 06:30 and switched on the news to catch up on the daily drudgery. I watched it for an hour or so and was fortunate to have had the foresight to have switched it off before I decided to chew my own leg off. I then spent an hour or so on the computer reading the world news and returned back to my trusty indentations on the sofa.
Flicking through the channels, I found an episode of Miami Vice, complete with saxophone music and more pastel garments than you could shake a stick at. Tack at its greatest. There followed an episode of the A-Team. Now say what you want about 80s TV but the A-Team was hilarious. I had completely forgotten how much I enjoyed that mindless drivel. Later in the day, Knight Rider hit the screen.
By now, I was 19 again and sitting in a house on Abingdon Road in Middlesbrough with my cohorts Georgie B (who was actually called Mark but was a hell of a football player and could drink like a fish, hence the nickname) and Gregski (a Polish guy who used to brighten up his morning tea with a touch of the Polish spirit). I remember one Friday evening at Uni, we walked down to the local video store and rented every Clint Eastwood movie that they had, wiped the local off-license out of Stella Artois and sat there for 48 hours in Clint heaven, pausing only to do a run for kebabs or curry. In retrospect, this is probably why I loathe students so much; they have way too much fun.
Anyway, Knight Rider having finished, I realised that I was actually 34 and was just about to get up from my beautifully comfortable divots when BBC America started a re-run of Red Cap. Dang. No movement ensued. Then the nightly Law and Order doses began and it was all down hill. A couple of Guinness and a couple of glasses of white wine later, Natzoid and I were arguing about quantum bloody physics again. I tell you, I wish I had never picked that damned Stephen Hawking book up. Natzoid argues from a physicist's point of view and I from a mathematician's so there is pretty much no reconciling the two positions.
Exhausted after such a taxing and draining day, I retired. I need to be working. Given my obvious lack of any self-discipline and propensity for idleness, I fear that I may start remembering the plots to Law and Order and thus the re-runs will be spoiled for me. And wouldn't that just suck?
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 18th 2003 19:20 CST
On random memories
For some reason I suddenly remembered Mike Harding this afternoon. He's a relatively famous comedian/musician in Northern England. I haven't thought about him in years. The thought came in the form of songs he sang in the seventies. For example:
Grandpa brews his own moonshine,
Metal polish and terpentine,
Gave some to the dog and it started to cough,
Sparks from its arse and its fur fell off.
I'm not sure but he may be the originator of the phrase "knitting a rice pudding."
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 18th 2003 10:10 CST
On the morning after
So Nic's party got pretty rowdy. He was styling. He got up this morning with a bit of a sugar hangover from too much frosting and whipped up his website using some PHP I had knocked up.
As you can see, the dogs were so wiped out by the end of the evening that we had to make them comfortable when they crashed. Who would have known that a device that blows balls in the air and catches them would be so over-stimulating.
In other news from Lake Wobegon, I have started my adjustment of status with a law firm in Minneapolis. They charge a paltry $2500 for the service which is a lot better than other estimates that I have been given (anywhere from $5000 to $8000). We could have done it ourselves but I am loathed to gamble and risk messing it up; you do not mess with the INS. I am informed that I should have work authorization within 90 days of filing (typically it's 60 days at the moment) so that is a very good thing. All this hanging around and thinking about quantum physics is idling my brain.
Oh, and while I was editing the pictures from yesterday on Natzoid's PC, I was assaulted by Melly via AOL IM. She seems to think that all of the world's evil is a direct result of my existence. I have never even met the girl and I am the anti-Christ to her. I really should sue my PR agent for that.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 17th 2003 18:10 CST
On the big day
Nico is asleep. Zoe is going beserk because she wants Nic to open his presents. As usual, he has spent the day smiling at us, oblivious to the fact that it's his birthday.
I buckled. He has toys and a subdomain. nic.yatescentral.com is now active although he hasn't managed to write any html yet. Also, nic<at>yatescentral.com is now active. Even though it's his birthday, he presented me with his Christmas list earlier; number one item was a Linux box. That's my boy.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 16th 2003 13:00 CST
On physics
I am embarassed to say that for the first time, I have started reading "A Brief History of Time". I'm very early on in the book and I had to put it down to remember what I understood of quantum mechanics. I asked Natzoid whether what I remembered was correct; her being the physicist kind of person. Her response was a very educated and well-reasoned one: "It's all a load of bollocks anyway. The guy who came up with that theory was tripped out on acid."
Sigh. Here am I trying to keep my brain alive while watching endless Dora episodes and repeats of Prime Suspect and Law and Order, and that's the support I get.
It is Nic's first birthday tomorrow so I'm taking the family out to Bennigans for a Mrs Miggins style slap-up meal. I may give him an email address for his birthday. I'm sure he would prefer toys but we're operating on limited funds here. What do you reckon? Email and subdomain or toys?
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 14th 2003 18:10 CST
On pure fear
So you know that my brother got married about six weeks ago? They got the official photographs back to look over and decide which ones they wanted. I'm not sure whether they chose this one, but they did manage to scan it before sending the pictures back...
Now is that a look of abject fear or what on C? Not one, but two Yates brothers. It really did remind me of Grant and Phil Mitchell when I saw it (obscure UK Eastenders reference). I mean, if the police were looking for an extortion racket and happened upon a pub that me and my brother were having a few bevvies in, we would be first in custody would we not? When this happens, as is inevitable, I will be asking you all to be character witnesses for us. I thank you in advance for your co-operation. The truth is that my brother, although being taller and bigger-built than me, would not harm a fly (for the most part) and I am so weakened by whatever damned plague has hit me that I would be a walkover at the moment in any physical confrontation (which is a shame seeing there are a few people on my list to "visit"). I wish them and the family business all the best and so should you.
November 14th 2003 10:45 CST
On pain
My medical condition is seriously interfering with my blogging, browsing and lounging lifestyle. For a couple of weeks now, I have an aching in my butt, thighs and calves. I can't make out whether it's muscle related or bone related. The fact that I can feel spasms in the muscles indicates that it is muscular but the fact that my hip bones are sore means it may be bone related. Whatever it is, it hurts to buggery when I sit down for any length of time hence the intereference. It hurts less when I am in that detestable state, stood up. This may be relevant, but my bottom ribs are tender too. My trusty ibuprofen helps a little but not a lot.
In an effort to get some blood flowing I (rightly or wrongly) have taken to getting out on my bike for an intense period of exercise every couple of days. This does not seem to be helping although it doesn't appear to be harming either.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what this might be? And all suggestions that refer to medical professionals will be redirected to /dev/null. I am not wasting my limited cash supplies paying through the nose for something I may be able to self-diagnose and treat. Only if I start falling over will I succumb to lining their pockets, and even then, if it involves needles of any description, I will refuse to co-operate. I am willing to suffer for my cause.
I wish I knew my cousin's email address. She's a nurse and all knowledgeable and stuff.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 11th 2003 15:50 CST
On an excursion
What kind of monster produces such a trail?
Go here to find out.
The weather was so nice, we went to Coon Rapids Dam this morning. And beautiful it was too.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 10th 2003 03:15 CST
On Natzoid's change of character
We watched an average yet strangely compelling film with Eddie Murphy tonight (Metro). During the course of the film, Natzoid decided that she was an hilarious black man. I missed the last half our of the film due her requests for me to henceforth call her "Smoov B" and her tales of how she was going to get me down by the fire, pour me a Courvoisier, tap my ass and generally get on with "romanticising me". And then there was the "slick" high-five where Smoov B guides you through an elaborate hand salutation. Apparently Smoov B leads, people follow. I've let Smoov B hit the sack while I watched the rugby. I hope she wakes up as Natzoid because otherwise this brutha might be in trouble.
And what the hell is up with the new lawyer on L&O SVU? That is no kind of right springing that one on me. She has a face that would frighten a police horse.
And yes, I seem to have become nocturnal. Smoov B would have you believe that it is natural. I would disagree.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 9th 2003 05:30 CST
On rememberance
Today in the UK is when people remember the massive amounts of men who fell in the world wars. Both my grandfathers fought and I am proud to be their offspring although I have nowhere near the courage they had. One is dead now and the other is still alive albeit with a single kidney and shrapnel in him. Life sucks.
I am very proud that they had the balls to fight. When I look at the current situation, I wonder whether I have the balls to go and actively fight. I am not sure.
Watching "Cambridge Spies" gives you serious concerns. If I had been Kim Philby or Guy Burgess at that time in the world, I too would have been a spy for the Russians. They were loyal to a fault.
It doesn't make them right but hell did they have some justification. Fighting Hitler and Franco could not have been more worthy.
And then I end up in America who would not join WWII until the Japs got involved. It's a bit hard to deal with. Maybe I should ignore history. That was some fucked up crap.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 8th 2003 17:20 CST
On feeling rougher than a bear's arse
For various reasons, I did not sleep well last night. First there was the deafening cries of laughter of Natzoid on the phone to Mopsie who had some harsh words thrown in their direction. And then there were various children screaming at various times of the night. Add to that the fact that we'd had a couple of glasses of wine and it all adds up to me feeling pretty poorly.
In fact, I think it is fair to say that the most constructive thing I have done today is changed Nico's diaper. Although I might argue lying down for an hour and a half feeling sorry for myself was constructive.
Today's post is brought to you by the fuzz that is my frontal lobe. I hate being sleep-deprived.
Another thing. While I am feeling vulnerable, I will declare an amnesty. There are way too many hits coming from establishments that could be members of my family in the UK (Leigh and Wigan college, NHS etc). If you are responsible for these, drop me an email before I 403 all of the suspect domains. I thank you. Message ends.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 7th 2003 17:35 CST
On programming
Natzoid has asked me on a number of occasions to write a tech blog and I have refused on the basis that (i) I am prejudiced against Micro$oft, (ii) there are enough tech blogs out there and (iii) I am lazy. A few days ago, someone asked me to teach them how to program (I forget who - sorry - the endless days of Stella Artois are getting to me) and I suddenly thought that the majority of tutorials on PHP are aimed at people who have some experience of coding in some language or another. In the vocabulary of Steve, would you non-nerds want a basics of programming PHP and MySQL blog? I mean literally from the ground up. Given I have time on my hands, if there is a need, I would be willing to fulfill it.
In other news, there is nothing more gratifying than a genealogical breakthrough. My distant cousin in Seattle put me in touch with someone who knew his brother in Wigan. While he didn't remember any of my grandfather's family, it's nice to hear from him and find yet another golden resource. I am so easy to please.
Oh, I also got a letter from Delta Airlines informing me that my miles would expire on December 31st so I did the right thing and donated them to the Miles For Heroes program.
By the way, look at that. 5:30 in the evening and the temperature is 18 degrees F, -8 degrees C. Absolutely fecking miserable. I'm off to throw another copy of the Koran on the fire. I don't know whether or not I have mentioned this, but I loathe winter with every fiber of my being.
And whoever is on here from tiscali.com in the UK, identify yourselves or I will ban you. OK - you had your chance - you are now banned.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 6th 2003 15:05 CST
On the "interview"
OK, I'm back having made it there just in time due to some incredibly dodgy directions (cough, I'm not pointing fingers here, cough). While the company in question are no doubt stable, have good ethics and a great marketing pitch, the role is not for me. Firstly, I was bit doubtful about the financial industry - if anything is more dull, I would like to know what it is. Secondly, and this is the deal-breaker, it would involve dealing with mass-market consumers. You know, the general public. Those people. I don't have the memory to remember thousands of people's names and I like to know my customers and their situations such that I can receive a call from them at any time of the day or night and be in a position to help without having to pull up their record on some flakey computer CRM package. This is called service. Know your customers. Engage them.
I digress. While I might be tempted to go to the second interview for the practice and to delve a bit deeper into their marketing technique, I doubt I shall. My one experience with the financial world was supporting some software on a trading floor. It was not pleasant. I may have said this before but trading firms have a chief shouting officer for when things go wrong. Rather than let you think and get on with diagnosing and fixing a problem, they persistently scream about how much money they are losing and ask you what the problem is; like they would even understand (there but for the grace of God, would go car salesmen - they have similar intellects).
So it was not to be. Still, as they say, the thick is plottening on the cunning plan front.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 5th 2003 12:45 CST
On a teabag shortage
Since Natzoid bought me this:
teabags have been in short supply. Pictured at the side of the mother of all cups is a standard half-pint cup. Seriously, this thing must hold about 2 pints. So you can imagine this is not a single-bagger. It's not even a double-bagger. It's a triple-bagger at a minimum. I may even try four tomorrow.
While I was ordering tea yesterday, I had considered buying some loose leaf tea and a teapot but realised at the last minute that it would be pointless in that unless I bought an industrial sized teapot, it would only hold a single cup.
OK, I'm off to buy a suit. What do you think, blue?
Update: The suit Nazi Natzoid accompanied me on the suit buying trip and vetoed the blue. Instead I have come away with a 100% wool, very interesting and stylish browny/burgundy number. I had it tailored on the spot and will be scrubbed and polished tomorrow, ready for my first interview (it is a three interview process) - I wonder whether the three interviews is to establish whether or not you're the kind of guy who has three suits, because if it is, I'm doomed (I'm not a suit kind of guy although if the cunning plan works out, I will have to start being a suit kind of guy).
November 4th 2003 12:00 CST
On cunning plans are here again
Two sets of good news have hit me this morning. The first is that we have one half of the weasel in place and it looks like we have a tail, so all we need to do is pin the tail to the weasel. Which means that I may well be gainfully employed again soon. Fingers (and all other bits) crossed.
The second piece of good news is that the Manchester United vs Rangers Champions League game is to be aired on ESPN2 which means it is free. I'll need to get out into the Arctic Circle to replenish Stella Artois supplies prior to kick-off so I'm off into the shower. Later peeps. Be prepared for many footballing anecdotes and probably some bad spelling and appalling grammar (Stella has that kind of effect).
Update: I think an adequate summary of the game is summed up by the United fans in their rendition of "Are you City in disguise?". If I were a Rangers supporter I would have my hands over my ears, be screaming "Lalalalalala - I can't hear you" and praying that the Scottish Premier League and the English are never merged. Still, it wasn't all bad news for Scottish football - a couple of Scots on both teams who look like they have a future. My only complaint is the commentary - Tommy Smyth should never be let within 10 miles of a microphone. We still love Alan Green though.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 3rd 2003 13:55 CST
On the white stuff
And no I don't mean dandruff. I mean snow. Yup. That's what we are looking at here. As we rose this morning afternoon and I followed the dogs to let them out I noticed it. That bloody miserable white layer of hell over everything. It's lunchtime and the temperature is a balmy -1 degrees C. Utter bloody misery. And so it begins.
I am particularly peeved that I did not manage to get my tulip, crocus and daffodil bulbs in before it set in on us. And before anyone berates me for not having done that, I chose the expensive route and bought them through Sam's school fundraiser so only received them on Friday.
I also have to go out into the disgusting clime so the kids can eat. Well actually, it's so that I have milk for tea. I'm so selfless. Speaking of tea, I need to order some more.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 2nd 2003 18:45 CST
On Freaks
Those of you in the UK will not have had the joy of seeing the fitnessmadesimple.com commercials. Actually, it's not so much of a joy, rather than an exercise in rarified disbelief and disgust. The guy who stars horrifies in the advert looks a hundred times worse than these photos when you see him on the TV talking with his unfeasibly large head and "Thunderbirds are go" style movements.
Tell me this guy doesn't look like a drinking while photoshop-ing accident. Either that or someone resized the image and forgot to maintain the aspect ratio. Actually it looks like one of Conners' comedy Diaz creations where he takes an age-old, virtually Victorian, picture of a topless Neil Diaz and grafts a co-worker's celebrity's head onto Neil's body.
If you head over to John's place (important note: not John Conners, John the Freak), he has a whole photo-gallery of mind bogglingly grotesque pictures of himself.
I don't know about you, but if taking whatever the hell pills he sells makes you look like you need a 38B bra, they are the kind of pills not to be messed with.
And in the unlikely event I was ever in the market for a fitness regime, I would be far more likely to want to get an exercise gazelle on the basis that it would make me look like Jon Bon Jovi which is infinitely preferable to resembling an aging Parker, although still sub-optimal. Bowflex have it right - do not use the sickening product of your product to advertise it. One does not create a market for chain-saws by showing people with their heads torn off - marketing 101.
I have now grossed myself out completely and will have to have a beer to distract me from this torment.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 2nd 2003 13:15 CST
On agoraphobia and anonymity
Damn it. I actually have to leave the house for the second time in three days. Menards and Target beckon. I will have to reward myself for such inconvenience.
I have discovered something disturbing. People I know in that sucky real world place actually read this. The previous post has comments from a girl who I used to babysit when I was in my teens. When I say babysit, I mean she was in bed and my mates and I sat around drinking beer and playing cards. Also, there are comments from one Karen H who used to be Karen G who is the sister of the Warty one and is married to one Neville H with whom I went to Uni. Bugger me sideways. So that's at least half my known UK social circle reading this (yes, I was always the socialite - four people constitute half my UK social circle - damn I'm a popular chap). I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I suppose it doesn't really matter. After all, most of the Skipton mob read this.
Anyway, I haven't bitched about the weather in a couple of days so consider this paragraph the obligatory mindless rant about the climate and the fact that global warming is not happening quickly enough for me.
I really should stop starting paragraphs with 'Anyway' and 'So'.
Comments (), PermalinkNovember 1st 2003 11:40 CST
On getting out of bed on the wrong side
Things I never want to see:
Maybe I'll come around later, but I'm in one seriously bad mood.
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