30th November 2004
God damned Nazis
Samantha arrived home with a note from her music teacher the other day. She's learning the French Horn and is due to appear in a concert in mid December. The note was unbelievable. It essentially said that attendance was mandatory and that she would lose a grade if she didn't show up. The teacher in question would not accept notes as an excuse and wanted a phone call should your child be indisposed.
Sam also told us that if the concert conflicted with a sporting activity, that they would have to forego the sport.
To be honest, I was all for getting on the phone and telling this teacher where to get off. Music is a great thing, but I value Maths and English more. After all, you aren't going to make a living from playing the French Horn are you?
I think it pretty bloody mad when teachers can demand so much. They may have their reasons but surely we prioritise what our kids do. If she had a soccer match, that would be my preference. And I am her legal guardian. Bite me teacher.
I must confess that I check Sam's Maths more rigorously than I do her music. Hell, I can barely read music, but I make an effort. The trouble is that they expect a parent to be able to read music. Not a vital skill in my world. I have to sit back and give it the "Every Good Boy Deserves Favor." Sam knows that stuff way better than I do. Yet the teacher expects me to verify her work.
You know what? I don't give a flying f*** whether Sam can read music. I care whether her grammar is proper and if she understands probability.
Sometimes teachers are so full of themselves, it makes me want to scream. Next parents' evening, you can bet that I will be there with all guns blazing. Self-righteous bastards.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:45 CST
29th November 2004
The masses have spoken
OK, Natzoid plus two have spoken.
My dear, dear beard has shuffled off its mortal coil. I am back to baby's bum status.
Alas, I knew him Horatio.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 16:18 CST
To be or not to be
Natzoid is trying to convince me that I need to dispose of the beard and moustache. I would do so gladly but for the extra work it makes.
What say you?
I know.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 15:09 CST
Accidental Empires
I titled this post because that is what I was dreaming about. It's one of my favorite books ever. How the boys in Silicon Valley make millions, dominate markets and still can't get a date. Another of my top ten is Where Wizards Stay up Late which is the history of the internet from its inception at ARPA to current day.
All of that is pretty irrelevant.
Paul has left the building. He arrived on Thanksgiving, armed with his old golf clubs and departed yesterday. It was fantastic to see him again after so many years. We drank some beer, walked some miles and ate some food while he was here. Ooh. And we played some Euchre. Top quality time.
I suspect that Paul is the latest of my friends to become smitten with my missus. After all, you cannot meet Natzoid and not instantly fall in love with her. Whether her banter revolves about how great a Euchre player she is or how dumb I am or even her interaction with the kids, you cannot help but adore her. It's all about the Natzoid.
Except when it is not.
Sometimes it is all about the Sammy.
Saturday morning chez nous and Sammy had let the Orange Bastard out sans leash. I could hear the dulcet tones of "Shit, shit, shit" emanating from outside. Initially I thought it was Natzoid but was surprised to find it was Sam. She's eleven so that is no language I want to hear from her mouth. As always, I put on my parenting hat and weighed up the options. Grounding? Beating? Death by yogurt?
No.
I'm devious at the best of times, but this one took me into new territory.
"Samantha, I heard you cursing this morning. Make me a brew and I will not tell your mum."
Needless to say, she ran to the kettle like there was no tomorrow.
I told her mum. What a rat bastard I am.
We have been black-mailing her ever since. I love the ammo. Makes me feel all warm and cuddly having one up on an eleven year old.
On an entirely different subject, I'm very glad that Paul's visit distracted me from doing the football predictions. It would have been embarassing. I had the Arse, Boro and Everton as bankers. Oh how fickle the world of football is. I could have been severely humiliated. Ah well, luck wins. Next week will be different.
After that random bunch of crap, I am set to go watch Kyra Philips in a couple of hours. God, I hope she is wearing her glasses.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 08:57 CST
24th November 2004
T-1
Well, 'tis just about 24 hours from a pick-up of Paulo at the airport. I haven't seen the bugger in probably ten years. He went all analogue and I went all digital. The two are about to reunite. Should be a blast.
I spent yesterday afternoon watching football when I should have been cleaning the shit-tip we call a home, so today I have to do double-time, which sucks. At least Utd won though. Poor Liverpool (note those words - you will not hear them frequently) suffered the notorious Argentinian "hand of God" to be beaten by Monaco in an absolute travesty. Though not on the scale of the World Cup incident, it was still appalling. The Falklands was nothing compared to the Argentinian legendary theatrics and propensity for cheating. I might argue that we need to intervene militarily. In fact, if you catch me after a couple of drinks, I may well advocate nuking the cheating, lying bastards. But I haven't had a couple of drinks so I won't do that now.
A tail of horror next. Yesterday, Beanie came to tell me that Stella had "poopededed" in the dining room. Lovely. I went to clean it up and became all Gil Grissom on its ass. From the splatter factor covering approximately 2 feet and a coat, I could tell this was evidence of some involuntary stomach upset. It was an explosion rather than a poop. Well, the fecker will eat anything she can swallow. The previous night we had meat pie which I am sure she did not get at so I doubt that would have been the issue. Far more likely, she had eaten a diaper. Foul creature. Now, Natzoid has chastised me in the past for my clean-up technique, so I went onto IM to discuss how to do the best job possible. Having received detailed instructions on what to do, involving bog-roll, baking soda, white vinegar and numerous other compounds, I set about it with a cigarette in my mouth to avoid the stench (utilizing the same technique I learned from my father when he used to change my diaper as a kid.) Anyway, it turns out I fail the pooper-scooper exam. Natzoid was entirely unimpressed with my endeavors. C'est la vie. I'd be in the dog-house but I don't fit.
My cleaning skills are to be tested again today. Maybe this time I will pass. Those crayon and pencil marks on the walls might come off with a bit of Oxy-clean.
Ah well, time to knuckle down and get on with it. Back later if I have not died of fatigue and Oxy-clean vapor.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:24 CST
23rd November 2004
A thought
At the moment, I am sporting the longest moustache I have ever had in my life. Since my genetics render me incapable of a good old-fashioned, completely intimidating and gout-ridden-ish, handlebar moustache, I have been considering the creative options available for such a beast.
A brief piece of enlightenment came in the form of feigning being a very upper-crust toff (OK, I would not be allowed to speak as the accent would kind of give the pretence away.) The idea was that I wax my 'tache. A la Hercules Poirot. I could get a moustache comb and everything. I could then extend this to wearing perfect suits and bow ties, combined with a comb-over that I am extremely capable of producing. This transmogrification (don't know whether I used that in the right context or not, but it's enough to just get it in a post) could then be extended to starting to speak in a Belgian accent and slipping in an occasional "Mon Dieu" into sentences.
Taking it just a tad further, I could find a vaccuous ex-soldier to follow me around and admire my clever-cleverness. After all, every perfectly dressed and manicured super-sleuth needs a side-kick to boost their ego. Just look at Holmes.
This was all starting to be a tantalisingly good idea until I realised the one fundamental flaw.
I have no idea how you wax a moustache. It's something that you're not taught at your local comprehensive school. And being from where I am from, no-one is likely to know what to do. Is it candle wax or vaseline? Who knows?
So my whole plan for becoming sophisticated (as if I weren't already - I have been to Batley) is in the crapper at the moment. All down to something an Eton boy would know the moment his nose hair escaped from its housing.
Life might have been great this morning, but now I am left in a world of hurt, feeling inferior, and having absolutely no chance of becoming a Belgian super sleuth.
Guess I should take the easy route, shave off the moustache and wear my underwear outside of my trousers. But then there is that whole flying thing. Bugger. I can't spin webs and I get nauseous when I hang upside down. This is not looking good folks.
Aha! I could buy a deer-stalker and smoke opium. Oh yes, I see a plan fermenting in the gloop that I call a brain. Trouble is, I'd have to move to London and I hate the place.
Back to the drawing board. Hmm. I'll have to be original now and use my initials as my name. Ken Yatz = KY. KY Man? Maybe that's what you use to wax a 'tash?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 13:21 CST
Exclusive: Al Queda funding comes from E-Bay
It was today revealed that Al Queda funding is based largely on E-Bay merchandising. A decade old cheese sandwich was used to raise $28,000 for their cause.
Speaking on Al Jazheera TV, spokesperson Mohammed AllhaveaBeerTa said "We trick the infidels into buying what we thought were pieces of toast with the image of Marilyn Monroe on them, but which they have deemed the virgin Mary. Allah Akbar. Surely Allah has smiled upon us by raising these moneys."
The Pentagon has analyzed the tape and cannot confirm that the voice is that of AllhaveaBeerTa. Some sources close to the Whitehouse allege that it may be famed terrorist AllWantabonktonight, or even Allhavethevindalooandstella.
A spokesman for Yateswire, who picked up the story, said "The picture, alleged to be the virgin Mary, does resemble a piece of toast. Did Mary really look like that? If so, MadonnasRUs will float within the next few weeks. Supply chain economics look pretty good, what with having a Rainbow and a Cub Foods nearby."
The Pope poo-poo'd the story. Paul McCartney could not be reached.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 10:46 CST
What a wonderful world
Ah Tuesday, I love thee.
I'm on my fourth pint of tea already. My big cup holds two pints. I'm still debating whether it is worth the expense of another teabag per cup to make it merit a quadruple bagger rather than just the triple I do at the moment. One thing is for sure though. It's definitely a three-sugar deal.
Anyway, why, you may ask, is the cynical bugger so happy this morning? I'll tell you. The Utd Champion's League game is on ESPN2 today ergo is nominally free! Guess what I will be doing this afternoon.
If there is one thing better than tea and footaball, it's a beer with some football and some of the Mrs's meat pie, carefully crafted out of sirloin steak and lard. Life is good.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 08:13 CST
22nd November 2004
Stupid internet
I have been trying to get in touch with my former-maths and further-maths teacher from 6th form college for years now. He was a bit of a lad. He used to come in, lie down under the black-board and say something along the lines of "Page 380 - poker, whiskey, wife kicked me out."
I'm surprised I even remember his name as we never went to those classes, prefering instead to sit in The Britannia supping Guinness and eating chips and egg,kindly provided by the pre-nursing students who, for some reason, always seemed to have more money than we did.
The reason I wanted to get in touch with him is because he thought that neither me nor my friends stood any hope of getting a degree. We all did. So I wanted to rub it in a little.
The trouble with my search is that the guy is invisible on the internet. Not just buried, I mean totally non-existent. Nada. Squat. Not a damned thing. In this day and age, it is hard to be so invisible. I know, I come back number one if you search my name, but that started a long time ago before I had even started this blog. To try to get the internet to forget you is virtually impossible.
So, I must conclude that either his wife shot him or he had lost the ability to type and has been in rehab since the advent of the net.
Cahill, get in touch. I have some gloating to do.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 12:26 CST
20th November 2004
Utterly disgusting
As if I didn't have enough to complain about, I have just read this:
£15m payouts to miners' families
OVER £15 million compensation has been paid out to miners' families in the Leigh area.
And this week proposals have been forwarded to speed up claim payments to miners' widows and their families.
Coal Health Minister Nigel Griffiths has revealed the Department of Trade and Industry's proposals which have been submitted to the High Court in advance of a hearing next week.
Plans are to offer a flat rate payment of £1,200 to widows and £1,000 to next of kin where the miner died at least 20 years ago and medical records are therefore unlikely to be available, making claims extremely difficult to assess. An estimated 78,000 claims are likely to fall into this category.
For miners who have passed away more recently - an estimated 112,000 - families will automatically receive a full assessment by a respiratory specialist.
But before this takes place, they can choose to opt in to the same early payment and exit the scheme.
The early payments option may be particularly beneficial to those in this group who have limited information about their relative's condition or know the miner's illness was limited to non-disabling chronic bronchitis, for which lower payments ñ mostly under £1,000 - are made.
This fast-track should take things on another stage as it mainly affects claims by children/grandchildren for people who died a long time ago. Instead of waiting ages for medical records to be found, they can now take £1000 immediately (which is higher than the average for claims of this kind).As of October 31, the overall pay-out in Leigh was £15, 542,994. The figures for the year-end in preceding years show how things have improved: 2001 - £3,197,967; 2002 - £6,240,815; 2003 - 10,999,680.
My grandfather is probably turning in his grave as we speak. As well as serving his country in the second world war, he served some rich bastard who owned the mine he worked in, and that ultimately killed him at the age of 61.
The amount of money paid to the descendants is irrelevant except for the fact that it shows people how much a miner's life is worth. It guts me, still, that those that fought for what we have and endured dismal working conditions are so easily disgarded. It's an absolute disgrace.
We look at working life and object to politics and stocking shelves at Walmart for minimum wage. These people knew hardship. Council houses and agony, just to raise their kids. That is my genesis. And I object to my grandfather's name being sullied by an anonymous suit, willing to give my grandmother less than the cost of his funeral.
The money that she gets, she is splitting in half between me and my brother. No matter how desperate we are, it doesn't bother me on a financial level. I am not objecting to the recompense from my own situation. I am objecting because not only did my grandfather work in a morally corrupt and dangerous business, but even now, with modern values, his former employers valued his life so cheaply.
I remember mining disasters as a kid - hard working men killed. What price their lives? I wonder whether it covered the cost of a funeral? And then their relatives are left to continue, completely ignored by the wankers who operated the mines.
There, but for the grace of God, would I have gone. A few years earlier and I would have been these guys - dead from the dust. And then the only people who would remember me would be my kids and their kids. All for what? A pittance.
Sometimes, I look at humanity and want to kick it hard. My grandad's life is worth a thousand quid? What's mine worth? What is Nic's worth? About three months salary because I was a good little boy and waived the right to sue.
It sickens me. I hope the bastards that made their millions from coal and those that killed it off all are damned for eternity. Rome may have been a tough place to live back in the day, but Wigan was equivalent less than a hundred years ago.
Smoke that one fat cats.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 15:58 CST
Bad sign
It's Saturday chez nous. No surprise there, or here for that matter.
Steve is brewing and caused me to crank a beer in honor of his heroic work. Natzoid started playing some of Solonor's music first thing and it has descended from there.
Natzoid has been playing some decidedly average music. Four men with guitars and drums and all that stuff. So I cranked the Howard Jones.
Never let it be said I live in the Eighties (again, capitalized out of respect for the best decade ever.)
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 14:30 CST
Vision whore
I hate to say it but I might be going back to the world of machine vision. It's early doors yet but, still, it's a maybe.
The thing about machine vision is that it's hard. You may think that making something that looks for rectangles on a circuit board is easy - template matching - and pins on a chip - Fourier analysis - but it isn't.
Looking at geometrically stable objects is tough for computers. Manufacturing tolerance and image noise means the variability in the images causes big problems. If the technology doesn't exist for the most simple of problems, what hope is there of facial recognition software at airports? I know some brave souls are beta testing that kind of thing, but I don't see it being widely deployed for another ten years.
I'm a big fan of CSI and L&O but sometimes it kills me. They get a grainy image from a surveillance camera and then magically enhance it to TV quality and read a number plate or a logo on a shirt. I tell you, if such interpolation technology existed, I would be a millionaire by now. We used to use NASA's latest interpolation techniques to render images and even that was not sufficient to make an image so good. And for the purists, that was just to visually render the image, not to analyze it.
While I'm on a techie rant, the other thing that people misunderstand is that computer vision is not completely limited to pixel resolution. Yes, it matters, but the more pixels that you have, the more variation you will see. And variation is vision's enemy. And then there is the trade-off between the amount of data that you have from increased resolution and processing time. Also, if you get below a 8 micron pixel, it's pointless. It is resolution for resolution's sake.
Dumb engineeers look at an image and say "ooh - it looks fuzzy." Yes it does pillock. You know why? Because you are looking at something that is barely a 200 microns wide. Your eyes and brain are the most sophisticated vision systems that we know of. Just because you have 20-20 vision and can see a resistor on a circuit-board does not mean that a camera can capture it. Also, perspective, perspective, perspective. Maybe a CMM or microscope can but those are some severely expensive optics and processing the image they capture is not feasible at the rate that circuit boards are produced.
Yikes. I got carried away there. Sorry about that. End of white paper.
Don't get me started on measurement and how stupid Motorola engineers are. If I were starving, I wouldn't work for them. I'm surprised your cell phones work. Stick with Nokia.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:52 CST
19th November 2004
This week' footie...
Saturday:
Arsenal vs West Brom
Chelsea vs Bolton
Crystal Palace vs Newcastle draw
Everton vs Fulham
Man Utd vs Charlton
Middlesbrough vs Liverpool
Norwich vs Southampton
Portsmouth vs Man City
Sunday:
Blackburn vs Birmingham
Eeh. I'm a rebel eh? Bolton to beat Chelsea. It doesn't get much more controversial than that.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 16:41 CST
18th November 2004
My blood is about 1° from boiling
Arses.
If ever there was proof that the archaic prats in Whitehall need to be summararily shot, it is this. The Old Boy Club prevails. I love the fantasy of lining the tweed-wearing bastards up, depriving them of their lunchtime brandy and giving them an IQ test before machine gunning the bloody lot of them.
The House of Lords is no way for a modern democracy to operate; senile old gimmers who are unelected, preserving the notion that it's still 1850. Wake up guys. The Boar war has been over for quite a long time.
If you actually paid attention between your diaper changes, in your rare moments of conscious thought, you might realise that the majority of people in the UK have wanted fox-hunting banned for years. But then again, the concept of a majority is alien to you isn't it? Because you were not voted into your cushy positions.
Bastards. It's no wonder Elizabeth I had so many executed. I'm starting to think she might have had it right.
Wait - it gets better:
The alliance is also planning to take the issue to the European Court of Human Rights.
To question the legality of a law that has been on the statute for over fifty years? In Europe? Oh, my sides are aching!
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 14:10 CST
Spain, get a life
I didn't watch the Spain vs England game yesterday since US TV deems soccer below s(h)itcoms and other general bollocks. However, my spidey-senses have picked up on something utterly abhorrent.
Apparently, during the game yesterday, the Spanish fans chanted monkey-type noises at Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright Phillips. Two black guys.
As if I was not disgusted enough with Spain's spinelessness in voting out their previous government, this is a new low. This kind of behavior stopped before I was born and it certainly has no place in the present. It's a national disgrace. Spain should issue an apology for their biggots immediately.
I've only ever been to Spain once. Unlike most Brits, I found the place to be disgusting. I had cleaner water in China.
A nation that lacks backbone, is racist and cannot produce drinking water has no right to be part of the international community. Maybe Chirac should be in charge.
I fully expect the appropriate authorities to expel Spain from the next World Cup. After all, when the football hooligans of the eighties were in full force, the UK was banned from European competitions. If ever there was a more derserving expulsion, it is for that behavior.
Sickening.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 10:36 CST
At last
Due the acquisition of some scales, I have finally managed to make a decent cake for someone's birthday:
Maybe now Zoe and Natzoid will get a cake that doesn't look like it has been ravaged by hyaenas.
Note to self: one more egg next time.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 09:50 CST
Just a quickie
I had to record this for hysterical reasons.
The dogs went nuts this morning watching a squirrel go about its business. Being barely awake, I screamed at how stupid they were.
Zoe, in her infinite wisdom, said "I know Daddy. Next time, let's get fish."
Top.
In other news, I have photos of a birthday cake that worked. They will be available later.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 09:34 CST
17th November 2004
Visitor
There is something in the loft. Something big. Something the size of Bowie.
It clunks around like it has every right to be there. It is not a mouse unless it holds the title of fattest bastard mouse ever. And it ain't a rat unless it weighs in at 40 pounds. Whatever it is, it is immense.
I need to devise a way of getting Stella up there to deal with it. Stella is about as fearless of a dog I have ever seen. It will take nanoseconds for her to sort the problem out.
I need a hoist, a ladder, a pulley and a fat Orange Bastard™. Nico's second birthday might well be heralded with a scrap in the attic. And if Stella doesn't do the job, I'll have to send Natzoid. 'Cos I don't do heights.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 14:54 CST
16th November 2004
Random shooting
I watched some footage this morning of a US Marine shooting a supposedly injured Iraqi "insurgent" who was holed up in a Mosque in Falluja. There is an awful lot of hoo-ha surrounding the tape. I fail to see why.
If you are fighting a war and you come across an enemy combatant who is feigning to be dead, what do you do? The only reason for his actions that I can see is that the guy wanted to be left to survive is so he could carry on being a git. Otherwise, wouldn't he have been pleased to see troops who could save him?
If I had been that marine, I too would have taken the safest option and shot the bugger.
To be honest, I'm geting a bit sick of armchair soldiers bemoaning the fact that people get killed in wars. If it were their skin on the line, what would they do? "Oh, Mr Uwanttokillme, dreadfully sorry for inconveniencing you. How would you like me to lay down for an optimal shot?"
For God's sake, if you're one of the unfortunate souls who has been sent to do GWP's dirty work, you would think that you would want to survive it.
Yes, the footage is horrific. War is horrific. Our sanitised Western lives mean that we do not deal well with the ugly truth. The reason that we are all so coddled is because our grandfathers looked such horror square in the eye and fought it.
Limp wristers and cowards alike, get over the film. I hope that soldier is not prosecuted. Someone needs to understand the nature of a war. If that were Nazi Germany, we wouldn't look twice at the footage. Because we live in an expensively bought free society, it does not give us the right to second guess those braver than ourselves.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:40 CST
14th November 2004
Breaking news
Reports are coming in that underworld figure Yatesy is to leave his compound at some point today. Yatesy, who has been holed up at his compund in North Minneapolis for months is said to be organizing an excursion into what is known locally as the Bennigans Strip. Together with his wife (herself an underworld don,) they intend making a quick break from the compound, eating some nosh and drinking some booze and then flitting back before Yatesy turns into a pumpkin or a donkey or a dribbling drunkard mess.
The political implications are huge. CNN's Jack Cafferty commented "Brutal monbster Yatesy could destabalize the whole peas process that is going on in his kitchen. His wife started the soup last Tuesday and is said to be approaching the final moments."
Fox's Bill O'Reilly interrupted Cafferty at that moment to call for Presidential intervention.
Tony Triple Adverb Blair issued a statement saying "Make no mistake, Yatesy is a bounder, a cad and a scoundrel. And a fop. We shall hunt him down vigorously, persistently and fervently. Once we find him, we will buy him a Bombay Sapphire Gin and tonic like the mincer he is."
The Whitehouse refused to comment and Vic Reeves could not be reached.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 09:53 CST
13th November 2004
Nice little story to warm your cockles
My paternal grandfather recently had to go to hospital. He's in his late eighties. The doctor asked about his medical history. My grandmother explained that he had been in the Desert Rats during the war and that he still has shrapnel in him from his tank being blown up. He was the only survivor. She then explained that he only had one kidney as the other had been removed after it ceased to be useful. I think that may have been related to the malaria he caught while on active duty.
You know what the doctor did? Stood up, saluted him and thanked him for the freedoms we have due his and many others' bravery during one of mankind's blackest moments.
I bet that made his day. I know the story certainly made mine.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 15:06 CST
US media deemed officially shite
I was looking at the CNN website this morning, just checking out the news like you do on a Saturday morning, while drinking your gallon of tea. As with most news sites, it is helpfully subsectioned into handy little bits. Under the "US" section, there were, as you would expect, US domestic stories. The bit that caught my eye though was the World section. The first headline read that the US was objecting to stem cell research. The second read that GWP is pushing for a Palestinian state. The third, and I quote, read "More foreigners flee Ivory Coast".
First off, that is a World section? It's like the round up of "world news" that gets done in sixty seconds on most of the cable news channels. The only "world" that appears to exist is that of the US, Israel, Afghanistan and Iraq. Oh, and the UK when Triple Adverb is town.
It's no wonder foreign perception of US citizens is that they couldn't find Australia on a map containing only Australia and a big red cross with Australia written under it.
It's the media that does this to them. If it isn't in the interest of the US it pretty much goes unreported. Maybe an occasional genocide produces a couple of lines of copy or editorial. Britney farts in her bathroom and there's days of coverage with all the news anchors working around the clock.
People around the world are being oppressed, raped and murdered. That's a byline. One guy in California kills his wife and the media are all over it like flies on shit. As I wrote that, I realised how appropriate the analogy is. Scott Peterson may have committed a heinous crime but there is far worse going on every hour of every day somewhere in the world.
Fox, CNN, USA Today, MSNBC, New York Times, etc. need to buy a globe.
Some days I thank God for the BBC.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:12 CST
12th November 2004
Father Jack request
I have had a request for an app that sits around quietly and every now and again pops out with a picture of his Jackness and a Jackism such as arse or feck or girls or drink. I find this request both bizarre and strangely alluring.
I might do it.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 10:36 CST
This weekend's footie predictions
Picks for this week:
Saturday:
Birmingham vs Everton
Bolton vs Aston Villa
Charlton vs Norwich
Fulham vs Chelsea
Liverpool vs Crystal Palace
Man City vs Blackburn
Southampton vs Portsmouth
Tottenham vs Arsenal
Sunday:
Newcastle vs Man Utd
West Brom vs Middlesbrough
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 09:59 CST
11th November 2004
Feckin' Nora
I just noticed that it is 22°F (-6°C) out there at the moment. So it begins. People talk of how lovely crisp Autumn mornings are. Bollocks. When it gets to that temperature at the start of November, it's fecking winter, no matter what anyone might try to delude you into believing.
I wish humans hibernated. That said, I have been holed up chez nous for pretty much fourteen months now (in my compound) with a very occasional excursion to the shop so you might argue that I do hibernate. The Real World™ is vastly over-rated.
Today's agenda consists of bathing a multi-colored baby who was kindly supplied with marker pens by his sister and proceeded to color himself and a few walls with said items. Thank God this house is not a rental.
While I'm here I'm going to pat myself on the back for a 75% prediction rate on the footie yesterday. I'm disappointed that the Boro didn't do the business though. I lived in Boro while doing my degree so they are my third team, after Man Utd and anyone who is playing Arsenal.
Randomly switching subjects, (it's bloody early so I'm allowed to be random factor) I've discovered that US Tetley tea-bags are not too bad. They're not PG but they are an acceptable alternative when your back is to the wall. Trouble is that you need at least three of the buggers in a cup for a proper mash. And what the hell is with those strings? Real teabags do not require strings. Oooh, I'm getting all nostalgic for loose-leaf Co-op 99 tea now. I'd better go put the kettle on before tears of nostalgia start rolling down my fair cheeks. Shut up. They are fair. Even with my generally pathetic goatie.
Anyway, I have phone calls to make. Later dudes.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 09:08 CST
10th November 2004
Should I?
In keeping with today's footballing theme, I have a decision of great magnitude to make. The Utd vs City game is on the box this afternoon at 16:00EST. Do I put myself through the torture of watching it or not? I know. I know. I need to do the right thing. It's not PPV so I can't use that excuse to avoid having my innards pulled out slowly over the course of ninety minutes.
There is some hope though. I happened upon the Football League Championship table (it will always be Division 1 to me) and was startled to see that the mighty Wigan are top. How cool is that? Can you imagine Man Utd vs Wigan next season. Oh what a delicious and glorious thought.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 13:23 CST
Predictions for tonight's games
I think I'm going to start predicting results. Round one:
Liverpool vs Middlesbrough
Man Utd vs Crystal Palace
Newcastle vs Chelsea
Notts Forest vs Fulham
Obviously, the bold are the predicted winners. Now let's see. Game on...
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:14 CST
Class
Have you heard about Yasser Arafat? He is on his death bed wearing a Newcastle shirt, Rangers shorts and Lazio socks...
Apparently his last wish was to be buried in the Gazza strip.
It doesn't get much funnier than that. Thanks Paulo.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 11:56 CST
9th November 2004
Just another manic Tuesday
When I was working, I was usually up and out before anyone else stirred, either because I liked to get into work early or because I was on some God-awfully early flight somewhere. Having the rest of the household up stressed me as I was totally obsessed with what I needed to do on any particular day. Corporate America is like that. Objectives, objectives, objectives. And the road to those objectives. I'm not saying it is wrong but it is.
Lunch with CEO. "I'll see you when you get back from Asia in two weeks."
How's about "no?"
I don't do corporate politics. Every company I have willingly worked for has been a start-up where you do what needs doing rather than resorting to appearing to be busy. I hate that. One of Natzoid's consultant guys has a great term for people who ignore that rule; "Busy but useless."
For Christ's sake, I'm a Northerner. Worse than that, I'm an English Northerner. We don't handle fluff. Ask Fred Dibner. Actually, don't - he's dead.
Sorry, got distracted there.
Anyway, the point that I wanted to make is that prior to Natzoid's and Sam's departure this morning, all the household was awake, including a tired Nic and the dogs. As those with children will understand, it was madness. Tea to make, breakfast to have, dogs to be let out etc.
For the first time in my life, I smiled as the mayhem ensued. Sam made the tea, Natzoid ran around, Zoe wanted breakfast and Nico was belting it out like someone had stabbed him as he slept. And all the while, we were seranaded by the throaty growls of Sasha who wanted to go outside.
Naturally, I sat on the sofa sipping a cup of tea and dispensing orders.
"Sam, start the dogs on their O-U-T-S."
The bastards have now learned to spell so much doggy sneezing and GGGGRRRRSSS abounded.
As Sam and Natzoid left, I was left with three daft dogs and two toddlers. I switched on Nickleodeon and sat back thinking. And then I grinned like a Cheshire cat. That time in the morning is my favorite time. Evenings are OK, but the kids are cranky. Only in the morning do you get that beautiful cohesion of family unity all be it utter chaos.
I missed out on that for so many years. Rather than worrying about things unduly, I should be appreciating these moments.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 10:16 CST
8th November 2004
Coward leaves comment at YC
Some plank known only as Proud Republican has left me a comment advising me to get my lazy unemployed ass back to the UK. The master of technology appears to have been on a dial-up connection somewhere near El Paso TX. Of course, there was no name, email address or web site to respond to so I will respond to the unusually understanding, articulate and tolerant (sic), yet totally anonymous Proud Republican here. If they can read, of course...all will become clear.
First of all, I reserve the right to any fecking opinion I like. You don't have to agree with it. I don't like Bush. I don't like Kerry either. There. I am pro-choice. There. I'm an atheist. There. I was screwed over on my visa by a US company who replaced me with a much cheaper version in China. There. How lazy am I now? I am pro-Iraq.
Now for unemployed. Not quite. Are you doing a Heinz Kerry on me? I have kids and a house to look after.
And if they had read the post, they would have noticed that we cannot leave the US for custodial reasons. So they would advise me to take a job in the UK and split my family up? The party of family values shows what it really means. If you're not a God-fearing, bible-thumping dyed in the wool conservative, get the hell out. Listen up dummy. I'll spell this one out for you. You are all immigrants. I just happen not to have been on the Mayflower.
It's idiotic ignorance like that comment which gives the Republicans a bad name. If they weren't such zealots, we wouldn't be so damned polarized.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 08:51 CST
7th November 2004
The apocalypse is upon us
A nil-nil draw with City at Old Trafford?
I expect it to start with famine.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 14:16 CST
6th November 2004
Average Saturday night chez Yates
The wine is out. The kids are doing some weird console rubbish.
More to the point, the MP3s and CDs are out. Always a bad sign. Like my brother's description of when we get together, (which is "I know I will have a hangover tomorrow") whenever the music gets broken out in the yatescentral control room, you know that you're going to be struggling with the following day. Not what we need when pressing matters loom. The least of which is Autumn clean-up in the yard. But I'll worry about that later. Much later.
Maybe Spring?
We started with Paul Weller and have gone through The Smiths and U2 thus far and it's only nine.
Just wait until the Nick Harper comes out. We'll be wasted by then but loving every moment of our time together sans sprogs.
Do us a favor? Get your favorite MP3s or CDs out and crank 'em loud. Raise a glass of vino. That's what Saturdays are all about.
Just don't wake the kids.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 21:08 CST
A combination of the daft and the daft
Who knew it? There is a world championship for rock, paper, scissors. Yawn.
However, the report on CNN that thought it newsworthy triggered some thought of my own. In it, someone interviewed said that the game was skilful as humans are incapable of random thought.
I had a long think about that. And have decided it is bollocks. We are probably the only species on earth who are capable of producing randomness at will. All other creatures are driven by food, sleep and reproduction. We saddle ourselves with all sorts of baggage, but we are capable of randomness.
91.
Random, comma.
Dante's Inferno.
Need I say more?
Now some might argue that all I did there is set out a subset of a finite amount of knowledge therefore it isn't random. I would counter with the fact that it may be a subset of a finite set but I pulled it out of nowhere therefore it is random.
For the non-programming folks, computers don't even generate random numbers. Typically, they use a seed based on a timestamp or some such.
Randomness is a weird concept once you start thinking about it. Rock, paper, scissors is not.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 13:10 CST
China is a doofus (again)
I am currently being bombarded with Stuey WAVs from Natzoid's PC (Family Guy) which precludes any form of serious thought. But I have picked up something on the Yatesy news radar.
My opinions on China are tainted by the fact that I am one of the few people I know who has actually been there. It's a very bizarre experience which had a massive impact on me.
I can't remember whether or not I mentioned this when I got back, but I met a very, very smart guy there. He was a Portuguese kid who must have been in his mid-twenties who spoke multiple languages and was working as a barman in the hotel that I was staying in. He was housed in dorms an hour away from the hotel and was bused in each day to work a twelve hour plus shift before being transported back to the dorms. Seven days a week. For $60 a month. He was paid extra because of his language skills. Just imagine what the girls who hang around in traditional pre-Maoist garb greeting people and opening doors get paid.
(Now we're on to Dr Evil...that bodes badly for later today.)
Anyway, apparently China have opposed UN intervention in Iran's nuclear program. I find this a tad coincidental given that last week, China signed a deal with Iran for oil.
China is not a country you can reason with. Ask Taiwan. Ask all those people whose intellectual property rights are infringed on a daily basis. I'm not a big fan of IP law as it is a huge burden on any company due to the litigious world of corporate USA, but all the same, wanton reproduction of reverse-engineered ideas are not just illegal but are immoral.
So when China proposes that the UN stay out of Iran, my response is guarded. The one thing we need to avoid is angering China. Sure, tax the shit out of what they produce in a vague attempt to get people to buy Western manufactured goods and to try to recover some revenue from illegal copies of Western products, but on a political level, you need to tread carefully. Again, ask Taiwan.
Taiwan is a very friendly place, full of mad bastards (in a good sense.) China is full of shady individuals who would slit your throat for a few dollars.
If that is representative of Beijing's incumbants, we have a great deal to worry about. As I think Napoleon said (and I know that my sources are dodgy thankyou) "Let China sleep for when she wakes, the world will be sorry."
What to do? Iran are obviously as much of a bunch of loons as Iraq. China are one of the reasons the price of oil is so high thanks to increased consumption. Which in itself is funny as they have massive, perfect roads with no traffic. I would be tempted to engage them on Iraq.
My biggest fear is the relationship between Beijing and Taipei. Taiwan regards itself as having the pre-cultural revolution authentic Chinese culture and frowns upon Chinese culture. When the day comes, as it will, that Taiwan declares complete independence from the mainland, we are in for a world of hurt.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:14 CST
5th November 2004
Time flies when you're a stay at home dad
Wait a minute, no it doesn't. This is a special kind of relativity. Months and days fly by at supersonic speed yet days last four life-times. I think I might have to develop a crystal meth habit.
All is not lost though. I was browsing through Five Live's website and came across an interview with Paul Weller. He does a couple of live songs. If that guy was talented in the seventies, what is he now? Absolutelty superb doesn't do it justice.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 14:30 CST
I'm a magician
I spent the majority of yesterday stressing myself out. Today, I pulled the metaphorical rabbit out of the proverbial hat. This combined with the Missus' total fearlessness has taken off the pressure albeit temporarily.
Someone has taken the elephant off my chest for a while.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 12:19 CST
4th November 2004
Point of order
I forwarded an email that was originally circulated after the 2000 elections to someone who I thought would see the humor in it. They didn't. I got a rather acerbic response detailing how the US rocks and they have been helping Europe forever.
Wrong.
Sorry America but you've been late into every war in Europe. I appreciate the effort but you are not the dog's bollocks.
I am here because I love my wife who happens to be American.
The one thing that the US lacks is a sense of humor. Yes, we are a super-power. Yes, we do step in and sort things out. No, we are not God's gift.
I think it was Einstein who said "Patriotism is the last defence of the coward."
I criticise the UK constantly. It is my right as a UK citizen. I voted Triple Adverb in initially and I stand by that judgement no matter what anyone else thinks. I also reserve the right to take the piss out of him.
America, get over yourselves. I am 100% behind the liberation of Iraq. But I still see the humor in things. Take it too seriously and you're all lost.
Come on. Group hug.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 13:29 CST
Revelations (n+1)
I have just had a non-epiphany. I was 17 before I discovered that I had a middle register when singing.
Well, I shoved in some Tori Amos in my CD today. And guess what? I have found head register. It's like making love to the woman of your dreams. I never believed that it existed and here I am, sat at a console having mastered it.
You learn something every day. You have no idea how much this means to me.
If you don't get this post, look up alto, middle, chest and falsetto.
Isn't life sweet.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 11:34 CST
Ashcroft to go?
Am I dreaming? CNN is reporting that Ashcroft is to resign within the next two weeks.
Lordy. Of all the Bush clique, John Ashcroft is the most dangerous. A mad fundamentalist Christian holding the office of Attorney General is just bizarre. I wonder where old GWP will getify his new one? Can it be any worse? I seriously hope not. There cannot be a moonbat worse than Ashcroft. Probability says so. Doesn't it?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 09:34 CST
Quick question
What are CNN going to do once they finally get over the fact that the election is over? How do you fill 24 hours when there are no lawsuits going on?
It looks like it's back to Spike TV for me.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 08:30 CST
3rd November 2004
Hot or not
In an uncommon flash of revelation, it was today revealed that GWP had been re-elected because the majority of Republicans secretly fantasise about sex with his twin daughters.
While claiming the moral highground and harping on about values and ethics, a yateswire poll of Republican registered voters revealed that both men and women voters secretly harbor lustful thoughts about the twins. A similar canvas of Democatic voters produced no such feelings for John Kerry's daughters.
"It's that hip-hugger thing that they both have." said one emminent Republican who wanted to remain anonymous but holds the second highest position in the land. Both he and his daughter are said to be smitten with a menage a trois avec les twins. And you have to do that in French otherwise it's not as exciting and Osama will get you.
A sullen Kerry reluctantly gave a concession speech at 13:00 EST stating that he too agreed that the Bush twins were hotter than his daughters. "My girls may be more articulate than GWP's girls, but they are nowhere near as hot. I therefore have to do the best thing for America and admit defeat."
Nader was not available for comment. But a close aide reported that he thought Reagan should have been re-elected because Ronnie Junior was hot.
The world's greatest democracy has spoken. The Bush twins are hot. Kerry's girls are not. What a fantastic system.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:04 CST
Fair is the fare
Well, it seems like GWP has managed to win a second term. Proportional representation wouldn't have helped in this case.
I guess the majority of the US is either arrogant or daft. Neither is endearing.
Wake up people. Your expectations are about to dissolve. GWP has no more limits now. It's his last term so re-election in four years is the last of his worries. Let's see how much more he can screw the economy
The internet bubble may have caused the recession, but the endless outsourcing cost me my job and eventually maybe my home.
Thanks GWP. I'll be there spitting on your grave.
Yeah, I'm annoyed. This is like voting for Thatcher. You keep your jobs for the boys.
Utterly sickening. If it weren't for Sam's dad and visiting rights, we'd be off to Australia.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 09:48 CST
2nd November 2004
Churlish today
OK, I'm feeling very churlish. I've had CNN on since six this morning and it has bugged the pants off me. If I hear the phrases "greatest democracy" or "home of democracy" again, I will torpedo CNN's studios.
Those of you in the know will understand when I say that it is all Greek to me. Oh, and is over ten times older than the US.
It certainly isn't the best system in the world either. It's certainly not the worst, but it has its faults. I know that this is a religious issue but I defy anyone to tell me that the electoral college or first past the post system is more fair than proportional representation. I have done some operational research. I cannot see the logic. It's a fairly simple argument.
</churl>
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 12:49 CST
1st November 2004
Next Me
In a fusion of Noel Gallagher meets Howard Stern, I present you with some stunning moves that I pulled while amusing the children.
Do what you will. At least the kids laughed.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 11:47 CST
First, the kids
Here are the little buggers cherubs as of pre-candy last night...
Scram-a-lam:
Zed-meister:
And Nico:
Wait for the Liam Gallagher pics later.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:24 CST
