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Journo Dotage
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October 31st 2003 17:10 CST
On random phone calls and damned Halloween
So, there I was, sitting in my chair, trying to find some business planning software, when the phone rings. It's a 612 number so it's from Minneapolis. In the few seconds that elapsed between it starting and me answering all manner of possible explanations came to mind. It transpires the voice at the other end of the line works for a large financial group who are expanding and have vacancies. What's more, they would like me to go interview. Bugger me. I'll have to try and get back into a routine now. And I'll need to buy some shoe-polish and probably a new suit. And worst of all, I'll have to find the iron.
I managed to fernagle out of taking the kids trick or treating so Natzoid is doing it. I get to stay home with Nic and what will be rabid dogs by the end of the evening. To lower the risk of any children being consumed by said canines, Natzoid has put out a bucket of candy with a note to take a piece which also has a knock-on effect of me not having to deal with kids. I am so set. This is turning out to be quite a good day.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 30th 2003 15:30 CST
On daytime TV
As Natzoid has just so eloquently put it, we are rich in laziness. We have spent the day watching seriously cheesy TV.
For some reason, TNT or USA was on the TV when we got up this morning and a made for TV movie called 'The Cabin By The Lake' was on. Somehow I got strangely enmeshed in it and thus Dora and friends were banished to the back room. Anyway, just as it was ending and I was actually thinking of doing something constructive, I noticed that they were screening the sequel 'Return To The Cabin By the Lake'. In a fantastically contrived plot, the murderer from the first film ends up directing a film about his murders in the first film. He has a penchant for drowning women and arranging them in a "garden" underwater that he views while scuba diving. Made for TV movies at their very worst; it's an art form.
Having suffered terribly through that, I then noticed an episode of Law and Order was on TNT so given my addiction, I trawled through that although it was the blonde girl and not Angie Harmon so that was a small downer.
And then, trust the BBC to screen two sequential episodes of Jonathon Creek, the cheesiest show in the history of mainland Europe. It was hell. I could feel my IQ dropping by the hour. Thankfully I have some temporary respite but I'm sure L&O starts again shortly.
I must keep an eye out for made for TV movies like those this morning. Stephen King level tripe. I am so not made for this. Or am I? I need to be working to have self-discipline.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 29th 2003 18:35 CST
On the dismal time of year
I actually had to leave the house today. It was awful. Damp, grey and cold. And that was just the people in Walmart. The weather was even worse. If cunning plan revision 4z-beta-912.4 comes off, I'm definitely going to make sure we move to North Carolina as soon as is humanly possible. I'm pretty sure someone on NPR said we were due snow later in the week. Feck. Remind me again why I moved here. I would move to Arizona, Florida or SoCal but I have not yet managed to convince Natzoid that the change in temperature from 100+ degrees to 70 degrees does in itself constitute a change in the seasons. I need to work on that argument.
To make matters worse, someone actually tried to engage me in conversation while we were at the checkout in Walmart. Yates's law, rule number one: do not try to talk to me in a shop, even if you know me. I couldn't believe the audacity of the woman. I didn't know her from Adam and there she was trying to communicate with me. I do not deal with the general public. In fact, I'm not a people person (neither is Natzoid so this works out well for us) so as a guiding principle, stay away from me in public situations.
Having bitched and moaned all the way to Walmart, I was overcome with the desire to buy a 128Mb card for my new little Fuji digital camera. I'm cheap so I would shell out the $63 for the 128Mb card but the thought of shelling out $99 for 256Mb left me cold. Thinking about it, I can now record digital video of the morons in Walmart for your viewing pleasure. I think I can record about 4 minutes worth of video on my brand spanking new 128Mb card.
The primary reason for the trip to Wally's world was to get material for Sam's Halloween outfit. This year she is going to be a genie, Zoe will be a leopard and Nic will be using the hand-me-down Eeyore costume (did I mention I was cheap?). We now need to figure out who is going out with Sam and Zoe and who is staying home while the dogs go nuts and try to eat the kids as they come by demanding candy with menaces. Which brings me back to my original point. I can't think of anything more dismal than trudging round damp streets in freezing temperatures on an Autumn evening. Shudder. I'm thinking of going into hibernation.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 28th 2003 19:20 CST
On the cunning plan
In the next few days, I should know the result of the cunning plan. Victory would be glorious. Defeat would be devastating for a time. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would send some good vibes and karma to this bunch of mad bastards, particularly the bearded one on the right:
A grand bunch of nutcases
From left to right: Sam "don't mess" L, John "website" C, Andrew "brain the size of a planet" H, Steve "phenomenal attention to detail" B, Sean "wheeler dealer" L, Richard "girl in every port" S, Neil "Kia CEO" Diaz, Tris "I've single handedly made the chicken extinct in the UK" G, Brook "I drive a jaguar that is really a Ford" J, Chris "what is AOI?" W. No psychotic mad bastards were harmed in the taking of this picture.
That is all. Thank you.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 27th 2003 18:10 CST
On forthcoming attractions
I would like to warn the world that there is a new blog in the offing. The good news is, it's not by me. The bad news is that it is from this guy:
This guy shared a physics class with me at high school. He also played bass in the infamous Aadvark and the Swinging Testicles, ripping open his fingers in an improv bass solo but soldiering on regardless. He's just moved to Florida and brought "a couple of boxes and my handglider". If you're young, free, female, single and live in the Melborne area, you could be one lucky lady. Pay no attention to the Swedish chef look - that was done for comedic effect.
So ladies, will it be (b) the electronic design engineer with a Masters in Physics and a penchant for the kitchen, boating, golf, fishing and handgliding or will it be some loser from the gas station? Oh and he has adorned his apartment with a fossilized dinosaur turd which just reeks of class to me.
I mean, what a deal. If he doesn't kiff it in a handgliding accident so you don't get the insurance money, you'll be wined and dined to a level you have never even aspired to; he even has the ingredients for a decent curry. God I envy you Florida ladies. Florida doesn't know what has just hit it. And the web doesn't know what's about to.
PS - While writing this, it has become obvious to me that Nic is indeed my son. He sees a gadget and his eyes light up. He sees a cable and he'll grab it and start trying to attach it a port (any port, whether it fits or not). The lights on the router transfix him. He loves keyboards (both computer and synthesizer). Man, is he going to be expensive or what? Much akin to Steve's parrots, his eyes twinkle when he sees my digital camera or cell phone. As we speak, he is happily playing with a 40' grounded extension chord. Cringe. First birthday in November, daddy will buy him a soldering iron.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 26th 2003 18:00 CST
On NPR on bloggers
NPR's media show (and Future Tense) is fascinated by bloggers and like to talk about them as much as they can. I don't mind at all but I do mind their reasons for doing it and those reasons are pretty obvious. According to NPR, the blogging community is an underground ring of journalistic subculture. They appear to think that we are all wannabe hacks and I think it worries them that some of the more political bloggers get such great attention in the blogging world. They are starting to see blogging as a commercial opportunity but don't understand the culture. In fact, they went so far as to so say "the blogosphere is built on triumphalism" and made a reference to mutual back-slapping.
I don't know about you but I didn't start doing this to be political. Sure, I have a political rant every now and again but that's just it, a rant. It is not the raison d'etre. In fact, I read very few political blogs because unless it is mixed with a good comedic talent, they're just plain boring (particularly because they tend to be unedited bipartisan charicatures). I think I resent the assumptions they make.
They are also convinced that the advertising industry is out to fool them into airing something that would compromise their journalistic integrity.
The news media have an overinflated sense of self worth. It's bad when good news sources (BBC, NPR) think they are in competition with bloggers and advertisers. If they can get it so completely wrong, just think what's going on over at Fox.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 26th 2003 10:00 CST
On VRAM
My Linux box is nearly 5 years old now. I've forgotten what the spec for this PC was. I think it's a P3 500MHz system with 128Mb RAM but I couldn't swear to it. I have no idea how much VRAM is on the graphics card and I know that there is probably some way to find out but I can't be bothered. The simple fact is that there isn't enough. Editing pictures from my digital camera is painful to say the least. And God help me if I want to move the window as well. I also have a suspicion that SOTO (the Linux Office suite) either hogs memory or leaks memory. Again I could find out which it is, but is it really worth it? No. Perhaps I'm not quite as sad as I thought. Then again, maybe I am sad; having installed a script that adds red-eye reduction to the GIMP and found it didn't work, I spent an hour yessterday attempting to debug the thing before realizing what a sad thing that was to do and begrudgingly hitting Paintshop on Natzoid's PC.
Some would say "buy a new graphics card" but I would argue that it isn't worth it. At nearly five, the PC is probably coming to the end of its useful life and is probably not long for this world. Bless you teapot.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 25th 2003 09:30 CDT
On no sex please, we're British
Just for the record, this is a work of fiction since, as we all know, I am English and as such do not do such things. Even if we did such things, we would certainly never mention them in public. And definitely not on a blog. Where our friends visited. Daily. And were certainly going to pick up on it. No. No sex please, we're British.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 23rd 2003 16:55 CDT
On advice
Ok - I need a little advice. Natzoid is out. Nic is in his crib. He's tired and should be going to sleep but instead is crying. It's not a sharp cry, just a kind of bitchy grumbly wail. Do I go get him or do I leave him to bitch bore himself to sleep?
If Natzoid were here she would probably go get him because she mollycoddles him and the kid's going to grow up the biggest mummy's boy ever. I've already enrolled him in the local rugby team and have him enlisted in the Air Force for three years. That should sort him out. Bitchy grumbly wails are verbotten in both institutions.
Update: I got him, he fell asleep on my chest and then, and this is where it gets exciting, I successfully managed to get him into his crib without waking him. First baby-transfer success ever.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 2nd 2003 18:35 CDT
On early Xmas presents
Natzoid has just arrived back from Walmart with an early Christmas present. My first and very own golf club and a Caddie Mat. I had two golf balls left from my first attempt at playing the game (two of twelve, sigh) so set about testing my prowess, which was my first mistake. Two broken (neighbors') windows later, and Natzoid informs me that it's a putter, not a wood. Dang. I really should have learned about this stuff earlier on in life. Still, 170 yards with a putter must mean I have some aptitude for the game.
Apparently, she's going to get me a titanium head Big Bertha next. Allegedly, it's sexy but not sexual. Anything called Big Bertha is a bit intimidating to me, but I reserve the right to love it.
My old high-school mate Paul has just christened his new driver "Excalibur" and it apparently glows orange, hums "wommmm-m-m--m-mm-mm" and is made of kryptonite. I'm a bit miffed about his nomenclature...there is only one "Excalibur" and that was my beloved snooker cue from England which disappeared, along with any wealth I had when the ex skinned me. To re-use that name is a crime against decency.
Paul is in the process of getting himself a domain and a blog. He needs to get on with that.
Natzoid has just informed me that the 170 yard drive that I managed with "Lucifer", my new putter, would have been better had I been holding the club the right way round.
Off to practice which end of the golf bat to hold.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 21st 2003 19:30 CDT
On alert
I'm doing something special tonight but I can't tell any of you what it is. It involves staying up for virtually all of the night. It really is very exciting. I get do it once at 02:30, once at 6:30 and once at 9:30 for about an hour and a half each time. And it involves a webcam. Now I bet I have your attention. I won't be able tell you about it for a couple of weeks but if it goes as well as I hope, it will be a great tale to tell. I just hope I perform.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 20th 2003 19:00 CDT
On tradition and turnips
As we were driving back from the farm that supplied the pumpkins yesterday, in addition to leaking engine coolant, Natzoid chose to quiz me about Halloween in the UK. All I could tell her was my experience of where I grew up and some vague childhood memories. I told her that in the 1970s the UK was not exactly replete with pumpkins so turnips were carved, which produced much hilarity.
"Did you make lanterns out of them?"
"Well I didn't but my mother did."
"Did everyone do that (snort, guffaw)?"
"I think so. I don't really remember much about it. It's not that big of a deal in the UK. Or it wasn't"
"Did you put birthday candles in them? (snort, spit, hysterics)"
"As a matter of fact yes."
(burst of laughter)
"Turnips are not that big you know."
"Did you go to the turnip patch?" (uncontrollable fits of laughter)
"We bought them at the green-grocers because that is what we had back in those days, none of your fancy supermarkets etc."
This continued all the way home.
So tonight, Natzoid settled down in front of google to verify my story and due to the pathetic amount of reference material on turnip carving, she thinks I actually grew up in Dickensian Britain. You cannot imagine the number of Baldrick references I have had to put up with in the last 24 hours. She has even offered to try to buy me a turnip.
For the record, I hold Halloween as another one of the endless events designed to relieve parents of great wads of cash. Because God knows kids nowadays never have any fun. As Natzoid pointed out the other day, when she was Beanie's age, the house that she was raised in did not have room for her to run through it (nor did my childhood home). Beanie can run all over this place at top speed with two large and one small dog chasing her. The kids have two rooms absolutely loaded with toys and nothing else. I hate to come over like one the Four Yorkshiremen, but they really don't know they're born today.
So UK peeps, please, please back me up on my assertion that pumpkins did not really exist in the UK in the 70s or if they did, they were cost-prohibitive to a working class family. Thank you.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 19th 2003 22:30 CDT
On the ritual pumpkin acquisition process
Acquiring pumpkins is a tough task. You may think it's a hayride but believe me it takes bankers, lawyers, financial advisors, meetings and an awful lot of cold hard moolah.
We've been on the acquisition trail this afternoon, back to the same place we went to last year, a place called Afton Farm light-years from where we live. I had suggested to Natzoid that we take the camper (I remember how far away places are) but she poo-poo'd me...once we were, oh I don't know, about sixty miles away from the house, I reminded her that I had said it was a long way. For the fourth time today she uttered the words "You're right". Never have I hit the big 4. I'm in hog heaven which means the rest of me must be mashed up to make some nice little meat snack.
Anyway, I digress but I couldn't resist the opportunity to blow my own trumpet.
Both Natzoid and I had put on sweaters because this time of year is usually pretty cool. We wouldn't allow Zoe to put on shorts - it's October for God's sake...it could snow any moment. To cut a long story short, as we drove, we ended up with the air-conditioning on. It was a stifling 70+ degrees. I'm sure I dreamed that and that it was really 30 degrees with 40mph winds coming in from the North. This is most definitely atypical of my experience of being here at this time of year...I mean, last year frost bite and this year sunburn; just not right I tells ya.
Anyway to cut a long story short, three of the fellas were acquired together with a boat load of other 'farm produce' and the deal was done. Not that we won't have to do it again since if it doesn't cool down, they will rot before Halloween. I'll pay the commissions to the lawyers etc tomorrow. I wonder whether pumpkins are tax deductable?
PS: I don't usually do online quiz thingumys but this is worth a butchers hook:
Update: the fuckwit has been freed. In the unlikely event that this turns out to be not an illusion and he ends up kiffing it, I will not even bother to read the obituary. Fiona Apple was right to give him the shove...paper bag should be redone as plastic box.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 18th 2003 18:50 CDT
On things that suck
Coming soon to a browser near you:
We bought it for $5.99 rather than shelling out the $10k that some joker wants for www.thatsucks.com. Maybe when the DNS filters through the nameservers, I'll advertize this for sale for $10k too?
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 18th 2003 16:45 CDT
On an average day
This is too much fun. So I thought I would share with you an average day in the life of me at the moment. First up, a photo-shoot and interview:
Then a bit of a jog around the park:
Then I hit the scene:
And the morning after, the inevitable cleaning up::
Life's my bitch.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 18th 2003 15:45 CDT
On fillums
Last night we watched the second Lord of the Rings film. I must confess, I did it reluctantly as I hate long films since I have the attention span of a goldfish. And it is well documented that my awareness of style and pop-culture is non-existent so the prospect of watching some blockbuster usually leaves me a little cold. That said, even though it robbed me of a few long hours of my life, it really was excellent in every respect. Except that guy who plays Frodo has the freakiest eyes I have ever seen...when I first saw a picture of him, I assumed that it was a computer generated image or an enhanced video image. Scary looking fella'.
After the kids finally went to bed, we watched Chicago on PPV. Natzoid enjoyed it. I thought it was absolute shite. I love the soundtrack but the film left me very disappointed. And just to prove that my pop knowledge is useless, the only person I can name from the cast was Catherine Zeta Jones and I only know her from a UK show called The Darling Buds of May.
I'm quite looking forward to seeing Kill Bill when it gets to PPV. I don't do cinemas and never have enjoyed them since being about ten which may explain my lack of pop-culture knowledge. Anyway, having said that I'm looking forward to it, I fully expect it to disappoint on a grand scale, just like Chicago did.
So there you go. Fillum reviews from your on the spot entertainment pundit:
I should get paid for this. Maybe another career option?
By the way, I have updated my wee me to reflect the change in facial hair and in employment status. This is a photograph of me out job-hunting while in the UK:
I am particularly fond of that wife-beater vest although the camera seems to have not caught the beer and kebab stains.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 17th 2003 16:40 CDT
On an audible groan
I just saw this over on Ananova and thought "that's a good idea - now people will be able to see at junctions and not be obscured by bushes - very sensible indeed". Then I read the whole thing and realised it was about disputes with neighbors. Further proof that the British public lose 10 IQ points each generation. The old country is doomed. I ain't going back unless it's in a long box headed for a barbeque.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 17th 2003 11:05 CDT
On getting off my arse
I've been a lazy bugger since my termination, sat around on the web, plotting and then drinking beer and watching baseball. Today my friends, that changes. While, yes, I may have got up after 9 o'clock, and yes, it is now 11 o'clock, there is still time for me to turn it all around today. I've had two cups of tea and am ready to face the world. I intend showering, going for a bike ride and then hitting the yard work.
And in other news, I have been experimenting with growing a beard. It is something I have never done before. To be honest, it is not comfortable. It itches like a bugger. I will give it a couple of more days before I make a decision as to whether it stays or gets the hell out of here, which incidentally, would not be via the Nair option.
Thinking about it, I must be mad. It's 1oC out there. Ah well, I need to get back into some form of shape and I'm not doing that in a gym. OK, it was that cold but is now up to a massive 6 in God's own temperatures.
Update: parts one and two of the day's plan complete.
Update on the update: back yard now spick and span with nairy (damn that experience), nary a thing out of place (many, many bags of leaves, a neatly mown lawn and all the garden furniture stored away for the winter) but I am concerned that no-one has yet told the big Maple that it should be shedding leaves; it is still a vibrant green. Stupid Maple. Front yard started - camper under tarpaulin and moved from driveway. Good job well done.
October 16th 2003 23:25 CDT
On baseball punditry
In case no-one noticed, the baseball season finished tonight. The Sox went down too so as far as I'm concerned it's over and I'm not watching any more. At least I might get something done now. Feckers. I hate New York City and I hate most New Yorkers that I have met; my first experience of the US was NYC and it was unpleasant to say the least. Everywhere in the US is more friendly. I guess now, I must support the Marlins, but I'll tell you something, I ain't watching it.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 16th 2003 18:30 CDT
On damn dude
I have just put myself through the struggle of installing MoveableType on my Linux machine. Damn dudes. All of you people who use it must be sick. It's a bitch to configure and then when you're done, your template is filled with more mad variables than an asylum filled with magic mushrooms. About the only logical part of it is the physical posting. I tells ya, writing your own HTML would be a breeze compared to that bizarre nonsense. You're all masochists.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 16th 2003 14:15 CDT
On the seasonal change
It's winter now and so I have reverted to the winter images. I quite like this look - it's clean.
Oh, and I've fixed some resizing issues for those of you that either have VGA monitors running at 640x480 or have huge great feck off monitors that you never use to their fullest capability and insist on having tiny browser windows (wait a minute - you'll lose those shortly ;-) or those of you who have mentioned that you had to scroll.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 15th 2003 22:50 CDT
On being gutted
I only got into baseball a few years ago, but I admit that I have shedded tears over the cubs tonight. All I can say is that I am totally gutted and that I hope the Sox absolutely thrash the Marlins, once they have dealt with the pesky New York buggers.
Those moments tonight were like the Champions League in 1999 where I expected Man Utd to lose and they came back. I remember breaking something in my hand that night when Ole Gunnar Solskjaer scored. I'm sure I would have done the same thing tonight except there was no Ole Gunnar to rescue me. Sammy and the boys gave it their best but a couple of fielding errors ultimately cost them. Not a good night.
All I can say now is go the Sox. And maybe I shouldn't have said that earlier in the comments. Maybe that would have made the difference.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 15th 2003 20:20 CDT
On equality
Having seen an advert promoting taking out a car loan for your kid's car, Natzoid's response was "Jesus Christ - who takes out a loan for a car for their kids? That is not happening in this house except for Nic."
It looks like I'll need to be the leveller and voice of reason here. They can all buy their own damned cars. Honestly, you'd think we were bloody catholic looking at how many kids we have.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 15th 2003 15:55 CDT
On impending death
I badly need to get this baseball season out of the way. My days literally consist of getting up, doing some work on the cunning plan, making a few calls and then it happens. The baseball starts. At least nine innings at 3:18pm and then another minimum of 9 innings at 7:18pm. The beers generally start and I do not move from my chair. It's at least eight hours of lounging every day.
I have now formally accepted the offer of termination and am as free as a bird (not like I haven't been for 2 weeks).
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 15th 2003 10:45 CDT
On having heard it all
I knew the Turks were a bunch of lying, cheating bastards when it came to sport, but this takes the biscuit. Beckham may be hot-headed on occasion but I refuse to believe that he is guilty of these allegations. Alpay should be banned from the game, cheating, lying idiot that he is.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 14th 2003 18:20 CDT
On disgusting
<rant>
With the exception of Natzoid and myself, our house is inhabited by animals (and I'm including the kids here). They destroy everything they touch. Combined, they have totalled the basement, so much so that we (and when I say we, I mean Natzoid) has had to basically strip it and start from scratch. The baby gate at the top of the stairs is not to stop Nic from falling but to stop kids and dogs getting down there.
We've just had occasion to pull out the sofa. You would not believe what we saw back there (and it's only been a couple of days since we last looked and found my shoe there). The fecking dogs had all manner of chewed childrens' toys (we can't give them bones as they try to kill each other to get at them), a stolen tub of margarine (sorry Steve, we do occasionally drop the butter kick), a stolen bottle of vegetable oil and numerous of Zoe's little works of art. Thank God for Shop Vacs.
I don't know when they manage to do this. The dogs sleep in our bedroom with the door shut and are pretty much with us wherever we are during the day. When the hell do they manage to steal physical plates? It's not like they are not fed; they are just bloody greedy.
And then there are the kids. What I'm sure I should be regarding as Zoe's works of art are just strewn willy-nilly all over the damned floor. And she loves to randomly extract wipes and just litter the place with them. And no, never use a glass twice, just pile 'em up. Straws are expendible, again on the floor. And toilet paper is fun but you must remember to use half a roll per visit to the bathroom even though mummy and daddy have been telling you for months that you really don't need that much. I have to say at this point, that would be true were it not for the fact that your butt is particularly foul.
Sam is starting to become responsible but her penchant for being oblivious means that she will walk past a huge mess without even noticing it; it took Natzoid hours and Sam even more hours to find the floor in her room (that's ignoring the room in the basement that we haven't even started on yet, and the playroom). I am one stressed Eric over here, complete with bulging vein on forehead.
Thankfully, Nic is not yet in a position to destroy anything although he does make doing simple tasks like loading the dishwasher or opening the fridge a major assignment. Mums should be knighted for their devious tactics to get things done. If ever I have appreciated Natzoid's efforts over the last four and a half years, it is now. Kids are just destruction machines.
Married with children? I tell you, Peggy Bundy had help that Al didn't know about.
Anyone want two of the three dogs?
</rant>
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 13th 2003 18:00 CDT
On the legal profession
I have just been to see a lawyer about my separation contract and immigration status. Actually two of them. And they were surprisingly pleasant and helpful people. They appeared to be non-litigious and had senses of humor. In fact, they would be the kind of people you would willingly hang out with.
But I have a problem with lawyers, like I have with doctors, dentists and vets. They're so damned smart you don't know whether they are humoring you or not. I have a suspicion that they know some global truth that us mere mortals are not allowed to know and they secretly laugh at the trials of the under-class.
I know a couple of visitors to chez moi are legal people so I challenge them to break with tradition and tell the world what it is that they have been keeping secret for all this time.
Maybe I should take my enforced vacation and retrain as a lawyer and then blow the whole plot. Then again, I fear my intellect is not great enough to handle the Truth(TM).
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 13th 2003 03:00 CDT
On being humbled
OMG - Melly was here. I feel naked and vulnerable. Hollywood stars would be less of an issue. It would be less embarassing had my mother found my blog.
There are few people in the blogosphere that intimidate me, but my wife, Melly and Michele do. Gulp.
I'm off to clean behind my ears.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 12th 2003 21:30 CDT
On liberty
As you will probably all know, I'm from Manchester in the UK. Home of many great bands...Stone Roses, Inspiral Carpets, The Smiths etc. One that I am particularly proud of is The Verve. They literally frequented the same places that I did when I was there in the people's republic of Wigan. I luv 'em and it's been years since I could sit back and listen to music...life throws you curve balls and you hit them to outfield and then relax. And that's what I'm doing at the moment.
It's fantastic being young again.
It's just a change in me, something in my liberty.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 12th 2003 15:00 CDT
On the endless drain
I can't take any more. Now the Cubs. In a few hours the Sox. Will it ever end? And how did I miss this last year and previous years? It's tough. It takes stamina and I have what it takes. Although I didn't plan wisely - Minnesota has stupid laws that dictate that liquor stores cannot open on Sundays (whereas in South Dakota you can buy gin at gas stations) and I got all over-zealous during the England game yesterday so pas de Stella for me. Fortunately Rainbow sell crap beer (Heineken) so I will have to suffer that through today's games. And if the Cubs lose, I will blame the beer and purchase some more Stella tomorrow in order to ensure a victory.
By the time the world series is over, I will have bed-sores from sitting watching all of this. And my liver will have failed. I tell you, it's hell this unemployment lark.
In other news, I have sent my part of the cunning plan off to Conspiracy HQ. The game is afoot.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 11th 2003 19:20 CDT
On crimes against humanity
I don't know why I let Dr Natzoid Mengele talk me into this...Nair on my head and some of my beard. The pain is excruciating. I fear I may not survive. People, under no circumstances ever try this at home. It is torture on a scale never before suffered by humans; being fed to a lion would have been a quicker and easier death.
And to add to my agony, I missed the first four runs of the Cubs first innings. Could it be any worse?
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 11th 2003 14:10 CDT
On a dire performance
It sounds like England's performance was rank however we did manage to qualify for Euro 2004. The damned commentary on the Five Live webcast crapped out about 5 minutes before full time which was very annoying.
Anyway, today's lesson is that Alan Green is a God. No-one can commentate better than that man. Heaven is the TV game (with mute) and Alan Green on the radio. I did that for years.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 11th 2003 08:55 CDT
On it being a small and harsh world
Well bugger me sideways with a root vegetable, it is indeed a very small world. I didn't know that Zoe's boyfriend had a weblog until today. And as it happens, he's in an industry that I know one of my childhood friends is in. So I email him to see if he knows him and sure enough, he does and is looking for an email address for him. How fecking cool is that? That is linkage material if ever I have heard of it.
Sometimes the world astonishes me.
However sometimes the world is cruel. To wit, how can nature contrive to have England vs Turkey played on the same day as the two baseball games that I am compelled to watch (being all unemployed and stuff - have I mentioned that before?). That is a pay-per-view and many hours of beer drinking right there. It's hell I tell you.
Update: the feckers at Comcast won't even let me pay for the privilege of watching the England game so I'm resigned to reading blogs and drinking Stella while streaming the commentary from Radio 5 Live. Don't you just hate me?
Update on the update: I don't know what the hell the England team are playing at. Beckham penalty miss, Scholes missing an open goal. This is purgatory. And now the Turks are playing dirty pool - some Turkish git has had a go at David Beckham in the tunnel as they went off for half time. I'd criticise him for reacting but being who he is and under such pressure, I can't; I'd do the same thing.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 10th 2003 12:30 CDT
On being used and abused
natalie: Is there any way to browse my comments in the database?
<andy IM's link to database browser>
natalie: Wow. This is great.
<several moments pass>
natalie: I bet you could do something to work out who is the most frequent commenter couldn't you?
andy: Yes you could. It's just a bit of MySQL. The book is on your desk.
natalie: I could export it to Excel and do it there.
andy: It would be easier to write the code.
natalie: It would be easier if you just wrote it.
Like I want to waste away my time being unemployed writing code. Sheesh.
And will whomever it is who keeps dumping huge great wads of cash into my bank account while I'm not looking please cease and desist. Every time I go there, some more has arrived. As I say, it sucks to be me.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 10th 2003 05:20 CDT
On the wonder
It's late or early, depending on your perspective. I spent the day working on the cunning plan and it was tough. I finally settled down to watch the baseball and fell asleep during the seventh inning, and then woke up at 03:30. After a quick phone call to Singapore, I'm ready to turn in.
Is it worth staying up to see Sammy off to school or should I turn in? Ah, the dilemmas of being unemployed.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 9th 2003 17:50 CDT
On being owed one
Australia owes me its thanks. I have single handedly reduced its trade deficit by around $200 today. The local MGM has a "deal" going on whereby a 1.5L (in God's units) bottle of God's very own Yellow Tail Shiraz is $10.99. And if you buy a case, you get a 10% discount.
"How many cases do you have in stock?" says I.
"Four" says she.
"I'll take 'em all" says I.
So if you live here and can't find Yellow Tail Shiraz at your local MGM, you will know that it's my MGM too. I may be prepared to sell you a bottle for oh, fair market value of $25.99. Drop me an email and we'll talk terms.
In the meantime, Australia, you owe me big time. How's about you get off your lazy arse and get me a job?
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 8th 2003 13:30 CDT
On being Mr Mom
This is going to be tough. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to feed an almost 1 year old when they are so tired that they are unsure as to whether they want to eat or sleep. The Bean is a one-man destruction unit and can demolish a room within seconds. The dogs still chew anything that may be stationary and within reach. I have discovered that the dishwasher does not load itself and that the sock-God that I assumed watched over us is in fact a myth (that one is a real bummer).
Natzoid has been out for about 30 minutes and Nic has been asleep for most of that but I'm already exhausted.
Being the traveling worker-bee that I was, I never really tended to the kids very much unless it was a "let's play outside" or "pick up your mess" kind of deal. I see some big changes for me in the near term here, some of which are going to be tough.
Still, things could be worse. Arnie could be governor of California. Damn.
In other news, England's football team may well decide to boycott the game against Turkey due to Rio Ferdinand's exclusion from the squad, which would give Turkey an automatic 3-0 victory and leave England needing to win a two-leg play-off in order to qualify for Euro 2004. I understand the reasoning behind such a threat but to jeopardise the chances of qualifying is folly. The one thing England has any religion about should not be taken lightly.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 7th 2003 18:40 CDT
On my wife being a smart bugger
If you ever doubt how mind bogglingly clever my wife is, just give her a legal or tax problem to look at. She goes after it like a ferret down a rabbit hole. She's just done it again. A mind like a razor. I wish I had her talent for literary interpretation...it truly is a gift. In another life, and maybe in this one, she will be a legal intellect to be reckoned with.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 7th 2003 16:45 CDT
On "Oh My God"
I have finally found Stella Artois in Minneapolis. You would not believe how many hits I get from people searching for it within the great state of MN. Now I can help all those deprived souls. You can get it from Star Liquor in Coon Rapids, on the corner of Main St and Northdale Boulevard.
Don't thank me. Just glad to be of service.
Daddy ain't waiting for no kids bedtime tonight. Hand me a glass and my swiss army knife. This might not be pretty!
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 7th 2003 14:20 CDT
On <what day is this?>'s observations
The world is baffling.
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It's all too much. And just to make matters worse, the phone is ringing so often with job offers (I've had to turn down Bill Gates twice now) that I missed my large straight...how annoying is that? |
October 6th 2003 17:30 CDT
On being flabbergasted
Perkin Freakin' Elmur. Dirty Den is back after all these years. I read reports there was a massive drain on the UK power system when that show aired. If he's back so am I, given that the US networks have dropped EastEnders from their dance card. Natzoid, call the realtor and book us some flighty things back to Blighty.
David Blaine my arse. What you need is some Dirty Den. Now that is art.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 6th 2003 12:50 CDT
On a slight rearrangement
Ahem. You'll notice that the resume has been stripped from the Ob-stuff buffed up a bit and been given a far more prominant place.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 5th 2003 12:40 CDT
On lazy days and Sundays
This is bizarre. Just gone noon and I've cranked a beer and settled back to watch a day of baseball. White Red Socks, Twins and Cubs. Go Twins (sorry Natzoid).
October 4th 2003 18:00 CDT
On idiots on the road
Duh. The sensor triggers the light change at the intersection near my house. If you don't drive over it, the lights won't change and the cars will back up and we'll all sit waiting for 10 minutes because your ignorant arse has not a clue about the fundamental functionality of anything more complicated than your wrist watch. You should not be allowed out on your own.
To the poor guy in a pick-up truck who lost his patience and swung around said wazzock and blasted through the light only to discover that backed up in the queue is Sargeant Road Nazi, I offer you my condolences.
The wazzock owes the pick-up truck driver about $200 in my world.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 4th 2003 13:15 CDT
On life, the internet and everything
It has come to my attention that the internet is dull. With the exception of blogs, news sites and the occasional handy banking feature, it all pretty much sucks. In fact, sometimes I feel like the guy in the advert, facing a computer screen that says "You have reached the end of the internet".
In fact, it is so dull that I succumbed to taking an IQ test online early this morning while suffering from a modest hangover. The results were not pretty. I don't know when I became this daft. The stupid test results told me I'm a precision thinker with good problem solving abilities when it comes to math and logic. The fact that it diagnosed me correctly worries me a lot in that the IQ number may actually be right. Stupid test. Stupid internet.
We need Al Gore to invent a successor that is both entertaining and healthy (Sprinternet anyone? No, I thought not). Either that, or I need to get a job so I don't feel compelled to hang out on my computer all day.
My hand may be forced soon. The fan on my Linux box is starting to sound terminal. Stupid fan. If I could be bothered, I would take it to pieces and see if I could fix it, but where would that get me? Back on the bloody internet.
This not working malarchy is old, and I've only been jobless for 6 days. Yawn. Although there is still the prospect of the news coming in in the next couple of days.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 3rd 2003 14:25 CDT
On the suspense
It's killing me. I'm waiting for some news. Must distract myself. Silly computer dice game is not enough. Must do something. Will run errands to store for celebratory/consolation drinks.
Update: Still no news. Anticipation level at maximum. Readiness to hear bad news at 60%. Preparedness to party on good news at 250%. Proximity of phone at less than 12 inches.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 2nd 2003 20:20 CDT
On good music
Natzoid regularly criticises my musical taste. I have to say that her sealed envelope prediction of Monday was wrong for the most part. I did head for the computer and check my email while commenting on the vile stench that the Bean's butt had managed to create minutes earlier. I did not hit the New Model Army although coming back from England, I was sorely tempted.
How can anyone not like The Pogues or New Model Army? And Joe Jackson is a God. I'm sorry, if you disagree; you're just plain wrong and tasteless. And should be hanged for crimes against asthaetics.
Those are my final words of wisdom for the evening. Break out the Joe Jackson. You know it will make your evening and you'll feel 20 years younger. And you'll be all gushy-eyed at the end of it. Don't worry; Pennicillin will clear it up.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 2nd 2003 14:30 CDT
On personal hygeine and Costco
Not having to go to work has turned me into a bit of a slob. I spoke yesterday about not having to shower until noon. I lied. I didn't even bother showering. A few moments ago, I was just about to muster up the energy to shower and shave when the most junior of the clan fell asleep and was promptly deposited in a crib just outside the door of our bathroom. Foiled again. I promise it will happen. And before Steve starts making comments about the British and their aversion to toothbrushes, I will state under oath, that the toothbrush has been used.
We took a trip to Costco yesterday and spent a small fortune on food and some other bits and bobs. I have spent this morning cutting up whale sized salmon fillets into shark-sized fillets suitable for freezing and wrestling with alligator sized trout. The hundreds of pounds of sirloin have been separated and bagged. During this process, I may have found my new calling in life; I should be a butcher. Slapping hunks of meat and fish around is actually very therapeutic. It's just a shame that I cannot cook them. Ask Natzoid about how I cooked her a gourmet salmon dinner in Door County a few years ago and the grilled steaks on the same trip. Culinary brilliance at its most creative.
A butcher? Perchance a chef?
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 2nd 2003 07:00 CDT
On the climate
And this is what? Just into October. Just imagine what January and February will look like. Feck.
Comments (), PermalinkOctober 1st 2003 07:55 CDT
On the realization that things could be worse...
Man, oh man, oh man. Guess what I have just discovered? I can now watch the Champions League live rather than have to go to work. Sweet!
I can go to Costco during daylight and stock up on food. I don't have to leave the house in 0 degree Kelvin weather at ungodly hours of the morning. I can stay up until midnight and have a few beers without fear of feeling awful the next day (although I haven't managed midnight yet as I adjust to the timezones). I can shower at noon. I can blog whenever I feel like it. As I say, sweet!
A guy could get used to this.
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