31st October 2004
Halloween haul sweet
Even though by Minnesota standards, the weather is positively tropical for this time of year, I froze my nads off to go around and do the tour with N and the kids. Smiling inanely at people who coo'd at Nico's "Tantoos." Actually, scratch that. They weren't so much thankyous as barks of demands for more candy. I have pictures that I will post tomorrow when my mouse wheel has defrosted. You get attached you know?
I do so love the well-adjusted American public with their 2.4 pick-ups and unhealthy manner of lulling kids into a sense of false security. Reality was good enough for me. It should be OK for them. But no. Or should that be butt no? We insist on mollifying our glorious progenies.
While I remember, I had a great idea for a bumper sticker for our SUV last night. It killed me. "THIS SUV RUNS ON CHOPPED DOWN REDWOODS."
Anyway, back to the plot. Kids go round, collecting candy. Kids come home. Parents take their tax. I'm set for weeks on the candy front and none of the kids can reach it without toppling something that would alert the dogs and render them busted.
As we mundanely trod round the freezing driveways of 70-100 IQ point households (combined) we started the usual political analysis. One house had a Kerry/Edwards sign in their yard. It obviously pissed off their neighbors as they had put a Bush/Dead Guy sign on the land between the two houses to counteract and make it look the couple who live there are in imminent danger of divorce. I thought that was delicious. It's the kind of passive aggressive thing I would do. In Edina when Johnny Nextdoor used to be up with the ferrets and chickens and cockroaches and whatever else on a Saturday while I was chain-smoking Marlboros and wondering who had kicked the life out of my frontal lobes, i got kind of pissed. So I hired a lawn service to come around and mow the lawn the day before Johnny (Honk) Nextdoor did his, thereby making him look extremely shabby. It got so bad that he ended up taking days off. I sat with a Marlboro and a Shiraz giggling like a school-girl. Top quality.
Anyway, massive diversion there.
Lesson of the evening: swing voters give out the best candy. Especially those getting divorced. Republicans are tight-wads and that candy is not subject to the parental tax. Liberals give out an awful lot of candy but it's mostly junk. Nader was not at home. Literally or metaphorically.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 19:58 CST
Why?
While I'm feeling opinionated and severely pissed off, I offer you this riddle:
Who the hell came up with pasta shaped like bow-ties?
Why? Why not mobile phones? Why bloody bow-ties?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 16:40 CST
Not quite as buggered as previously thought
Thanks to my savvy friend over in sunny CA, the majority of things on my hard disk have been recovered. Thanks Pat!
My email isn't quite sorted yet.
And I must issue a Mea culpa. I was not hacked at all. As if. This thing is tied down tighter than yachts in a hurricaine.
Apparently the kernel thought its disk was going and had a mind fart. There followed some horrible looking messages that even I didn't understand, some inode nonsense and the whole of my home directory ended up labeled as #feckoffbignumber in lost+found.
Still, had this been Windoze I would be toast. That's why Unix people get the big bucks. 'Cos any goon can stick the Windows CD in twice a month and reformat their hard drives.
Quality, originality and excellence. All in one OS. I truly am humbled by its top-notchedness.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 16:04 CST
30th October 2004
Arses
OK. I have lost my stuff.
I have an idea why. It involves doing a bit of research for a friend.
As Natzoid says so sagely, I should not retaliate. But I have your IP and I might. You can hack me but I can hack you straight back.
Try it matey boy.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 19:34 CDT
Oh God
Mrs.
Bring me white wine and a laptop. That way you can have your LCD back.
It's fecked and I've lost everything, including pictures. I'm off to lie down. It's just too much.
K
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 14:22 CDT
Teapot deceased
I cannot cry enough. My gorgeous Linux box has deceased. Deader than a dead parrot on St Dead Parrot's day.
The day my wife meets GWP, my computer dies and I have no way of ressurecting it. And no way of replacing it.
I am dischuffed t'knickers and will probably spend hours trying to fix it.
Linux, I adore thee. Don't do this to me. So much lost.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 14:10 CDT
Am I in a mood today or what?
Apparently some old royal that I have never heard of died today at the ripe old age of 102. Princess Alice TooManySurnamesToCount.
"She was educated at home until the age of 12. Later she attended West Malvern."
Like we all do eh? It's probably the farthest North she ever got. Unless of course it was the Scotsman hunting season when the royals like to descend upon our ginger-haired vocally challenged friends and hunt them on horseback with dogs.
Oh you know how I love my royals. Bloody parasites.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:43 CDT
Hmm
I was going to leave this until after GWP had visited Natzoid's work but have decided against. Natzoid can rot in federal Cuba somewhere for my words.
Apart from slapping the smug bastard, I have also suggested she question his sexuality. After all, there must be some hot intern in the White House. Who would turn that down?
Funniest thought of today: "Hand me my cigars."
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:10 CDT
Open letter to the missus
I know you're meeting GWP today. Slap.
When he offers you his hand as he introduces himself as the leader of the free word and world, feel free to shake it, Slap.
Secret service are just there for effect. Slap.
Remember, out-sourcing is good and is why we rely on your income. Slap.
Be sure to tell him that. Slap.
I can look after the kids so you do what you need to. Slap.
No hidden message here. No sirree. Slap.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 11:52 CDT
29th October 2004
Ooh, I say
Tomorrow, the missus gets to meet GWP. I could go but I won't.
I have about as much interest in meeting GWP as I have in meeting John Kerry.
Great for the kid though.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 21:04 CDT
Mind made up
OK, I have decided that I want to teach maths.
I now just need to understand how I get a teaching certificate here. I have a degree in maths. What else do I need?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 14:04 CDT
Wow
The kids are still asleep so I get the luxury of another post pre-breakfast/diaper/Noggin. Some days, life's good. On others when you can't find your glasses, it's a bitch. I know. I should quit whining, but my head is bursting with general headachiness.
I've been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher. It's not that I really want to do it, just that it appears that I can. I know it's cruel, but I have had Sam doing algebra since she was old enough to write. Zoe is next. She's four and could do with some stimulation. As I say, mean.
I've never considered myself as a good teacher. I always hated doing training classes as I really can't explain my thought process. How do you teach someone to employ simple logic to fix a PC or resolve an application problem on Unix? I am not physically capable of explaining how my brain works. Some may argue that this is a good thing.
The thing that swung my view was Sam's maths. She is not daft by any stretch of the imagination. She's two years ahead of where she should be according to US standards. I put that down to my having baptised her with algebra at an early age. I have laid off a little since she started middle school, but I am tempted to step up the tempo once more.
Sam constantly tells me that I explain things better than her teacher does which gives me some hope that I am capable of translating what I know into a form that kids understand.
I dunno really. What is the US equivalent of a PGCE? How much does it cost? Is it worth doing? It strikes me that teachers here are as badly paid as they are in the UK. Can I be bothered with f-wits? Probably not. I like teaching Sam because she wants to learn. I'm not sure how I would cope with no-brainers.
Another thing that is tantalising at the moment is law. I'm in awe of people who qualified for the bar. The intellectual challenge is immense. I'm sure I could do it but it takes effort and that is something I do not have a great deal of at the moment.
Bugger. Kids are up. Diaper/breakfast duties trump el bloggo. Maybe I'll come back to this. Once my mid-life crisis is over with. My brother is after a Ford Capri. I know exactly why.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 09:53 CDT
Grrr - I told you
Bollocks.
Like the world needs a document subject to such debate. It absolutely annoys the pants off me.
Yes, I haven't found my glasses thanks.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 09:23 CDT
Grrr
I'm pissed off this morning. Big style.
I don't know where my damned glasses are so I'm squinting at a LCD with a massive headache from the eye strain. The problem with being virtually blind is that you need glasses to find your glasses.
Dare to come back later when I have had my second cup of tea. I reckon that there will be some ranting here during the course of the next few hours.
Unless I trip over my glasses, in which case the world will be peachy.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 08:54 CDT
28th October 2004
Murdering scumbag to be treated in France
How did I not predict this? Arafat to go to Paris. Call me Clare Voyant.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 13:07 CDT
How sad is this?
Pathetic.
Looks like GWP's web team have discovered the .htaccess file. Ooh, and reverse DNS look-ups. Heaven forbid that furriners access his website. Well I'm a furriner and I can view it. How safe are we now?
Honestly, can you get any more pathetic?
I think I might ban people from Peru. They don't speak my language.
deny from .pe
I feel so much safer now.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 12:42 CDT
AN ODE TO THE DARESBURY
With all due fanfare and stuff, I deliver the premiere of one Gol White. Read it as if you're from Wiggin and it might mek sum sense. Gol has recently had his hips chopped out and they have been replaced with pan-galactic gargle-blasters manufactured by a company called near-ligaments. That's what the NHS is reduced to today.
He also managed to squeeze in some breast enlargements and a Botox on his genetalia. As he says, God bless her.
AN ODE TO THE DARESBURY
(God bless her, and all who ail in her)
There's a famous nursing place called the Daresbury,
A small unit of some great renown,
Situated on Warrington Hospital's site,
A mile or so out of the town.
A grand little place is the Daresbury,
Each patient 'as gettn th'own room,
Wi' a comfy bed, tele, nice décor an' all,
An' thi' own bog in night's a great boon.
But admission to t'ward is a gamble,
Wherever you might have come from,
You sit a while, then a while longer ?..
As you wait for some bugger t'go wom.
An' fot pass the time, staff ask, "How yer doin'?"
Or, "What t'avin done?" In't that friendly and nice.
So you tell um, and they give a slow shake of the head,
That's your confidence gone in a trice !!
And to add to your woes, in your bedroom,
As you settle in for your first night,
You read all the bumf about what can go wrong,
Fot faint-hearted it's a bit of a fright.
But you buck up a bit with a cuppa,
It's amazing how good tea can taste,
But because of the cuts in the Health Service budgets
They daren't make too much t'avoid waste.
Which means if yer in Room 7 or beyond
There's a chance that you might get the dregs,
As they pump on the button, it's like CPR
On a patient who's on his last legs.
And out of the flask streams brown fluid,
The gurgle's off-putting enough,
As an embolism surges back up the tube,
And the tea pot expires in a puff.
But you put all of this well behind you
For your op on the following morn,
As you don on your gown with its colour-matched ties,
And paper panties - yer well dressed for some porn.
Then you're off to the theatre on't trolley,
A last wave goodbye to t'ward scene,
And you're plunged into surgical heaven
Where they're all wearing jamas - all green.
As you sink beneath waves in a dream state,
Th'anaesthetic is like a huge gin,
You are subject to cuttings and hackings
And shoving new metal bits in.
Then you're back on the ward in recovery
With a catheter shoved up your widge,
(Or the equivalent part for a female),
For both sexes, it smarts ... just a smidge !!
Now the best bit has to be th'epidural,
Like they give during birth to the tarts,
But they test if it's working successful
By rubbing ice over your parts.
Either that, or they spray you with alcohol
To see if you sense that it's cool.
What a waste of a bloody good cocktail
That would go down your neck as a rule.
Th'NHS must get credit for this service,
All for free - you don't need an excuse,
A cute chick in a crisp nurse's uniform
Giving your cheeky bits gentle abuse.
It would cost a fair bit down in Soho,
'Undred smackers fot things I've described,
But you get it for nowt, it comes to you for free
As stuff your consultant's prescribed !
Th'epidural is great for pain killing
As it drips away through plastic tubes,
Cannulations allow fluid inputs
And waste products slowly drip from your pubes.
You don't have fot do much amid all this
Except manage your bowels in bed,
And judge if you're needing a bedpan,
Or is it just a fart coming instead.
But the time comes for all t'tube removal
And the catheter's out with a plop,
And you shuffle to t'bog for your first stinging pee,
Your first independence post-op !
But in fact you should hold on to your bladder,
Cross your legs tight until your knees knock,
'Til you've peed in t'grey cardboard decanter
And the nurses can measure your TWOC.
So it's time to get up and get busy
And swing yourself upright a-while,
Trying first few small steps with supporters,
And a zimmer to give you some style.
It's a slow patient process in t'beginnin' ?..
Stretch frame forth then shuffle your feet,
With encouraging words from the physios,
"Well done, lad tha's doin' it reet."
You progress with each day a bit further
Up the corridor, on legs swollen thick,
But your shuffle improves to a small stride
As you move up from t'zimmer to t'stick.
Come Saturday or Sunday it's different
From the exercise work in the week,
Two physios roam round with a glint in their eyes,
Looking for soft targets to tweak.
That Calli, what a pleasant demeanour.
He grins broadly while making limbs squirm.
He reminds me of one o't' Kray brothers,
Always smiling, tha' knows, fair but firm.
But I must give high praise to the system
That makes all departments unite
In the whole patient care in recovery,
Through the days and the long hours of night.
The consultant who performs major surgery,
With his theatre-team doctors in tow,
Begin the remedial process
To repair limbs and joints starting to "go".
Then the ward staff of nurses and carers,
Doing bed rolls and dressings an' such,
Taking temperature, pressure and wee stuff,
Nothing ever will trouble them much.
They bring life to the lonely dark hours,
And help you get back on your feet,
Making beds with them hospital corners ?
Never mind if you're ill, just look neat !
But one vital component is missing
From this digest of all that is good
In the long road to patients' recovery ?..
Wha've I missed out? - Yes, hospital food.
The hospital's taken precautions
To ensure that we choose for ourselves,
Using bar-coded sheets - breakfast, lunch and for tea,
So how come it's all messed up on t'shelves?
You can tell when it's wrong on the trolley,
Carer's voices take on a strained note,
As you wait for your scoff in Room 7 or beyond
You get a small lump in your throat.
The end of the line for the food van
Means the selections are totally undone,
Coz they've had to give stuff to new patients
Who arrive when someone's gone wom.
And if that weren't enough, there's a scarceness
Of cutlery and pepper and salt,
I feel sorry for the carer's dilemma,
After all, it isn't their fault.
However, they have a solution,
As they make up the food for the tray,
Just smile, put it down, close door and then run
Before t'patient has anythin' fot say.
So my final conclusion about hospital,
For which I can find little fault,
Is it's fine and you'll fully recover
If you take it all wi' a pinch of salt !!
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 12:16 CDT
Name change?
I think I might want to change the name of this here blogaroo to "Diary of someone who has to live with an Orange Bastard." What do you think?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 10:24 CDT
Light rain
My arse.
The Orange Bastard is drenched.
Revenge is a dish best served cold and wet. This is one day that I will not remember to bring the OB in. Made all the more sweet by the fact that she hates being wet.
Oh yes. Finger licking good.
I love it when I'm winning.
Just an FYI. Her legs are thicker than my forearms. Fat Orange Bastard.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 10:05 CDT
27th October 2004
Grandad muscles in
I've been debating posting about this for some time and have decided that it is worth a mention, just in case anyone else is in the same position.
My grandfather, as we all know, was a coal miner for the majority of his life. He had bouts of running shops, fighting Nazis and illegal boxing but he was generally found down a mine blasting shot so he could afford the bag of coal to heat his house. He died in August 1985. A more bitter loss to me I cannot imagine.
A few years ago, some lawyer called my grandmother and said that she had a case against the NCB. Several other calls followed, as the hounds picked up the scent of easy money. She chose one who seemed to be decent.
Now my grandfather died from a heart attack officially. However he had emphasymia and terrible circulation - his fingers were pure white. The powers that be described him as unfit to work down the mine about a year before his death. I remember making his cake for his 65th birthday.
The other day, my grandmother got three letters from the lawyers:
(1) Your claim has been refused as Mr Gorner was employed by the NCB after 1994 (he had been dead nine years.)
(2) Your claim has been declined since we cannot verify that he was on invalidity benefit {the NCB only kept records for 15 years.)
(3) Your claim has been accepted.
What the hell?
The poor man lived a short life, most of it underground. To diss his name so is unforgivable.
And the irony? It's that whatever award my grandma is given, she's handing it to me and my brother. I've no idea how much it will be, but it might pay the mortgage for a few months.
Even in the grave, my Grandad is fighting for my existence, as well as his great-grandchildren who he never met. Sometimes, life makes you want to cry from the bottom of your guts. Cruelty, thy name is death. Come back Stan and we'll have a pint.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:58 CDT
EU matters (not)
My blood boils when I read about the EU. Autocratic morons.
The UK has enough government as it is. A bunch of lofty toffs in Belgium, handing out tax-hikes, is the last thing the UK needs. Somebody please explain to me why the EU is a good idea? And then justify that with a standard of living and fiscal argument. It honestly drives me bonkers. What a criminal waste of money that could be spent doing good.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 11:50 CDT
Most useless site of all time
What is this all about then? I just checked my logs and noticed that it proxied my IP address using a class C IP.
Read the spiel. It would have you believe that you are in mortal danger every time you click on a link or pull down your email. That might be the case if you're a chump but if you have half the brains of a lettuce, you can surf on little hopper in the grass.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 10:33 CDT
Bored bored bored bored bored
Even mindless violence seems boring today. I've given the Orange Bastard (Stella, not Kerry) a pre-emptive beating already in anticipation of some offence, which kind of renders the day over already. I suppose I do have the joy of preparing lunch so Nic can feed it to Stella and then I get to beat her again.
Maybe I'll stray from my normal routine and beat Bowie as well today.
I have been Mr Domestic over the last couple of days. The kitchen is spotless. The main bathroom sparkles so much, it's a good job I'm wearing shades. I fear for the childrens' eyesight. The Shop Vac is in a corner panting from the amount of exercise it has got over the past few days.
I guess I could have another pint of tea and start to gnaw my own leg off. Yes, that's the ticket. Commence gnawing...now.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 10:19 CDT
26th October 2004
A note to lawyers
There is business efficient and then there is rude. Women tend to be more guilty of the latter than men.
When I call you, at least try to be pleasant and helpful rather than ruthlessly efficient. All that does is make me want to hunt you down and shoot your arse.
Strange how lawyers are only ever decent when you're paying them eh? Not.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 13:45 CDT
There is intelligent life out there....
A word of background first. The author of the following quote is a friend of my mother. He's currently recovering from some horrendous hospital shit that I would not wish on my worst enemy
Hi Kenny and the rest of the thinking world. Have read the stuff in these links and threads and feel moved to comment on something for the first time in my hitherto rather tawdry life as a political no-brainer. My emergence from my blogless world of pies, peas and pints into the glare of a public domain is made even more ludicrous by the fact I have not seen the Moore programme that has sparked a degree of mud slinging around here that would grace a Jerry Springer spesh, so why should anyone read me at all?
I'm devasted by the loss of life on all fronts in the confict but one thing has remained at the back of my pea-sized brain. What was Saddam doing when he pissed about with the UN inspectors for so long? He obviously didn't have his own blog site so he was limited in the ways he could present himself as a modern-day wag to his followers, so I interpret his dealings with the rest of the world as his version of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in, something that he and his mates could have a good chuckle at each day on the TV. Have I got WMD stuff? Let's go to the phone lines and see what the viewers think.
Have we found WMD on investigating certain areas after the toppling of SH? NO? Guess why?
The troops are on their way over. Saddam's options are
a) confess all and hand over the tackle and say "I wur only kiddin boss" - lots of "goods" about this one - peace, people alive etc. but massive loss of face (and he didn't have a good face at the best of times.)
b) phone Ronnie Biggs and ask for advice on how to get away from it all as quickly as possible, with added bonus of clocking some cute Brazilian chicks on the beach
c) get his stooges to relabel eveything as Industrial Toilet Duck, knowing that some dedicated bloggers will eventually buy it on the open market and set about cleaning their kitchen once in a while
d) disperse the major incriminiating evidence as far afield as possible, leave a few items around with no more than a thin disguising in the sure knowledge that the finders will be reporting at face value just to get their name and face on the tele as "The first on the scene", and send some trusty dudes into a number of desert areas to scatter an extra deep layer of sand over some mass graves
Now guess which one I think might be near the truth we may never ever know. Let's go to the phone lines and find out.
Nowt wrong with an occasional rant - and I hope the USA appreciates that this was written in a manner far removed from the way I speak. The broad Wigan accent is the last thing this Moore dude wants to cope with at present.
Now that is the type of comment that I appreciate.
And he promised to not let the maternal unit know of El Bloggo.
Given that and his poems, he should have a blog. N'est-ce pas?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 11:38 CDT
Good news (in the style of Roscoe P Coltrane)
For the first time in a long while, we had some good news yesterday. I don't want to go into details as it's rather personal and something that only Natzoid and I should know, but it was good news all the same. Let's just say that I do not feel like Charles Atlas at this moment in time.
For those interested, I have modified the comments code to do a strstr() on the name of the commenter so henceforth if you have the name adult, free or spy in your name, you will be greeted with a screen that says "Arse" and your comment will be pitched into the ether. I also record the IP address and can that too. So nenenenene. Up your bum spammers.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:28 CDT
To be or not to be
While I puzzle my way through the riddle posed by bastard spammers, I'm naturally supping pints of tea and watching CNN. What else do you do when you wake up?
It transpires that the 380 tons of explosives that went missing were allegedly never there post-invasion. Cough. Right. Cough.
"Satellite imagery was not good enough to keep track of the munitions."
So how did we know they were there?
Jesus H people. I can take a line of BS like the best of them, but this takes the biscuit.
By the way, I found my car keys thanks. The Orange Bastard is currently whining under the sideboard. Turns out the keys were never there in the first place.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 08:46 CDT
Bloody hell
As if the world wasn't too damned complicated anyway, I awake with a hangover the size of Australia to find that I have been comment spammed. Free adult this and spy review that. Bastards.
My fiendishly clever brain is now in PHP mode. The simple thing to do would be to block the IP addresses but I am not simple. Ergo, some codery trickery is in order. Spammers, I challenge thee to a scrap. By the end of today, my comments will be tighter than a nun's crotch.
Conners, if you're around, I might need some help! ;)
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 08:39 CDT
25th October 2004
Dickie Davis Eyes
I thought I would share the full lyrics to Dickie Davis Eyes with you. 'Cos I found them, and they're hilarious.
Mention the Lord of the Rings just once more,
And I'll more than likely kill you.
"Moorecock, Moorecock, Michael Moorecock"
you fervently moan.
Is this a wok that you sholve down my throat,
Or are you just pleased to see me?
Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium.
Chorus:
And all those people
Who you, romantically,
Like to still believe are alive,
Are dead!
So I'll wipe my snot
On the arm of your chair
As you put another Roger Dean poster
On the wall.
God, I could murder a Cadbury's Flake,
Then I guess you wouldn't let me into heaven.
Or maybe you would 'cause their adverts promote oral sex!
A Romani bint in a field with her paints,
Suggesting we faint at her beauty,
But she's got "Dickie Davis Eyes!"
Class.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 14:46 CDT
Clarification
I feel compelled to clarify an ambiguity here.
When I say Orange Bastard I am, of course, refering to Stella the canine disposal system not John Kerry.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:51 CDT
Now where are my car keys again?
I swear I left them on the kitchen counter alongside my 380 tons of explosives, but they and the explosives appear to have disappeared. Looks like the Orange Bastard is in for yet another beating.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 08:45 CDT
24th October 2004
Some things age better than others
I've got the Half Man Half Biscuit out. Oh my God, these guys were brilliant...
"God I could murder a Cadbury's flake but then I bet you wouldn't let me into heaven. But then again their adverts promote oral sex."
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 18:18 CDT
Heavyweight Major weighs in on Iraq
That political bulldog and sometime poker of Edwina Currie has weighed in on Iraq. True to his legendary assertiveness, he has whimpered that Triple Adverb is not doing the job to his own stunningly high standards. Thanks a lot John for your incisive commentary. TA will be shaken beyond belief.
There's a reason that you were voted out of power. It's because you were Thatcher's metaphorical Kleenex. I doubt there is a PM with a worse record than yours and your predecessor. Eighteen years of being jerked around and taxed at every opportunity. You have no right to lambast.
At least TA had the decency to keep to himself rather than porking his deranged Health Minister. He's also a credible voice in the international community which is something you could not ever dream of.
Your policies were shite, your presence was worse and no-one mourns the day that you left office. Imagine the debacle we would be in now had you won a second term, having been installed without an election.
You should just shut up and go back to your Salmonella obsessed mistress. At least she managed to make a career post power.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 17:05 CDT
David James stole my bike
There is a common theme that is the essence of the Moore film. Oil. All the major players are somehow connected to the oil industry. This does not come as so much of a shock to me as it obviously does others. This is politics people, and only the rich get to play that game. Rich people who are, say, lawyers or in the oil industry. The oil industry is the supplier of fuel to possibly the largest market in the world; transportation. People get rich from it, get aspirations of grandeur and before you know it, they're running a country, be that the US or Afghanistan.
Sure there will be some back-scratching. Show me an industry where there isn't. I don't support such behavior. In fact I outright deplore it but it's human nature. We tend to drift towards like-minded people. In the case of the oil industry, like-minded rich people.
There are many better arguments against Bush's presidency. I would cite fiscal irresponsibility as being the primary cause for concern. I'd be surprised if GWP can operate a dollar store calculator. In fact, when he looks at the national debt, I bet that same dollar store calculator truncates the number, which he then believes.
Those misguided souls who think Kerry will do any better or that Moore is a legitimate film-maker are soon to be disappointed. Either by the loss of the election or the realization that Kerry is not the Second Coming. What the US needs is a true statesman. And I'm afraid there isn't one on the ballot sheet. No amount of Michael Moore's can change that solid fact.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 14:50 CDT
Six pointer spurs alcoholism
The Boys have done it. It's not the four nil of my premonition, but it is more than enough to have made me scare the household with whoops of pure unadulterated joy. Even the dogs looked at me like something was wrong.
Man Utd 2 - 0 Arsenal
Look at that scoreline in all its beauty and magnificence.
Hand me my drinking jumper. The one with the kebab stains. What a glorious day.
I've just kissed my signed photo of Alex Ferguson and Eric Cantona. I now have to do the same for Dennis Irwin, Paul Scholes, Brian Robson and Ole Gunnar.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 12:08 CDT
Can it be? revisited
I have been sat hitting the refresh button on Ananova seeing the BBC site is down. The Mighty Reds are currently one up against the Arse. I have seven cans of Guinness in the fridge. You figure out what might be happening shortly.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 11:43 CDT
Let's get something straight
I am allowed to have my own opinions here. I do not pander to arguments of my being a heartless bastard or being incapable of independent thought. As usual, the medium of discourse descends to name calling and slights on my intellectual capabilities rather than objective discussion. Typical.
If my own wife cannot change my views, a few lines of insults in a comment are hardly likely to are they? Nor is a comedy documentary aimed at those "without."
It's thinking like those comments that cost millions of lives in WW2. Do you think that was a bad idea?
I am not GWP's biggest fan by a long shot. The man is a slimey non-event of an intellect. On the one point of Iraq though, I do agree with him.
All this proves is that there are two schools of thought in the world. Those that hold rigid, unmoving views and the rest of us who are open to debate. I spent a lot of time thinking about my position on Iraq (as you can tell if you read my archives) before coming up with a view. No, I don't like the death but equally, I don't like people living under a cloud of fear. I suppose it boils down to how much stock you hold in your own freedom as to whether or not you oppose the Iraq war. I happen to value mine. I also happen to value Moore's right to make films however loopy I may find them.
And before I finish, a point of order. This is my little piece of cyberspace. I can write what I like. Feel free to comment but do not result to name-calling. I do not go to other people's blogs and insult them. Nor should you. It is not only rude, it distracts from whatever arguments you may have. Would you find it acceptable for Kerry to respond to Bush with a summary "Arse?" No. So don't do it.
Let's keep a modicum of decorum peeps.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 10:54 CDT
23rd October 2004
Got it
I've just come up with the analogy I was looking for.
About twenty years ago, there was a headline which must have been in the Sun as even the other tabloids couldn't come up with anything so banal. Here it is:
"Freddie Starr ate my Hamster."
That's what F 9/11 does. Hooks you in, you watch it, and you come away with an analogy that you can use twenty years hence.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:59 CDT
More on Moore
First off, I was criticised in comments to my post of last night for name calling. Upon re-reading the post, the only name calling I see in it is "Republican bastards" which to my mind is certainly not an indictment of Moore.
What I did criticise was the production. I said, last night, that it was glib. I stand by that. I just wish there were a word that was more appropriate. Very glib? Glibmongious? It reminded me of a BBC Radio 4 show that was adapted later for TV where an investigative journalist went around being so inept that it was hilarious. F 9/11 is produced like a comedy. Natzoid's response to the style is that it was made to appeal to a mass market of people who would normally not watch political documentaries. I'm not sure about that.
To my mind, if you are going to make a documentary, it should be a serious analysis of the facts in a serious style with integrity you could use as collateral at Lloyds of London. F 9/11 comes nowhere near that level of integrity. In fact its style hurts whatever messages it is trying to convey.
Snide commentary turns me off too. I don't need to be spoon-fed conclusions. I am an intelligent human being. Give me the facts and leave it at that. I can draw my own conclusions thankyou. The wanton pot-shots at anything Moore dislikes were more than a tad tiresome.
On the whole, the message that he is trying to convey is obfuscated by the crappy production style and downright imbecillic commentary. I came away from it with nothing more than Moore is a paranoid simpleton. I'm sure that is not what he set off to do but he lost it somewhere between filming and production.
It's produced like a comedy. I watched it like a comedy and gained nothing more than a lesson in how not to make a documentary. And that is Moore's fault.
I am not a "right wing bastard." I am my own man and cannot be pigeon-holed into a two party system. However I can spot a paranoid film-maker when I see one. It could have been so much more than it was. Ask the guys at Panorama in the UK what they thought of it. I bet you get the same response. After all, they are serious documentary makers.
For the record, the only name calling I did there is paranoid simpleton. And then I put it into context. So there's no recourse on that. I censored myself considerably. The mainstream Republican bloggers resorted to pathetic commentary on Moore's physical appearance, his moonbat-tery etc. I am not willing to do that. I just think if he had thought about the message more than the style, it might have swayed more people. As it happens, I found it laughable, sensationalist and on a par with a Sun expose. A satire of itself is how it is best described.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:32 CDT
Vision
I'll get back to Moore later with further thoughts (I have only had two pints of tea thus far so the brain is not yet crunching optimally) but I had to share this one...
During a deep and wonderful sleep last night, I dreamed Utd beat Arsenal 4-0. You can't start a day off better than waking with such a feeling of joy. I nearly petted the Orange Bastard I was that happy.
Let's hope I sleep as well tonight and can wake up tomorrow to that result being reality.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 11:57 CDT
22nd October 2004
Michael Moore
I just watched F 9/11. Truth be damned, it was the biggest twist I have seen. It was glib beyond measure.
Anyone who can be swayed by such commentary should have their voting rights rescinded.
Had Moore produced it with style and substance it may well be soundng the bell, but he didn't and I can't.
There are so many anomalies that I need to see it again before commenting on what a pile of shite it is/was.
I expect you Republican bastards to back the divorce bill. What a waste of ninety minutes.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 22:59 CDT
Can it be?
There are vicious rumors that Kevin Keegan is coming to the end of his managerial career in England. Beers are on Steve.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 14:09 CDT
Just when you think it couldn't get any lower
Just when you think that the raving loons in Iraq couldn't get any more depraved, they take a female civilian aid worker hostage. I hope they do not intend to do what they did with previous hostages. I know there are women over there in the military and it is un-PC to hold the view that a war zone is no place for a woman. Call me old-fashioned. The thought of men coming home in body bags is abhorrent. The thought of women being brought home that way makes me sick to my stomach.
However in this particular case, it's an aid worker. The very people who are apolitical and are there just to try and do some good for as many people as they can.
This strikes home pretty hard with me. At some point in the next few months (after she has found where I have hidden her passport - just kldding) Natzoid will inevitably be going to some God-forsaken country in Africa or South America as an aid worker. Wherever there is poverty, there is danger.
For example, I have very few pictures of Shenzhen simply because it is poverty stricken. A tall white guy walking down the street with a digital camera smells of dollars. Even just being a tall white guy means you have to physically push people off you.
Maybe this lady was too familiar and dropped her guard. After all she holds dual Iraqi-British citizenship and has spent half her life in Iraq. The first time I go anywhere, including places in the UK and US, I have my radar on high alert. It seems this lady was unlucky.
Let's just hope that bad luck is cancelled out by some good.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 12:52 CDT
Yatescentral delivers the scoop
Being a highly serious and diligent journalist, I have no time for the paparazzi. This is why I know nothing of your popular "culture." However, while composing a piece on Argentinian coke-heads footballers and their relationship to the Malvinas fracas, while simultaneously watching CNN, I made the mistake of looking up during the commercials. Lo and behold, it was Celine Dion's mug, glaring at me from the box. I was convinced if she turned around, she would knock over the lamp at the side of the TV.
It was at this moment, my journie senses tingled. My buttocks clenched and all was revealed. Check this out and tell me this won't cost Kerry the election and be all over the front page of every broadsheet around the planet tomorrow morning:
Celine Dion:
Kerry's Daughters:
This is no coincidence people. You heard it here first.
CNN have just returned my call. See you later Larry King.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 10:22 CDT
Today's Mike Harding
I have been perusing possibly my favorite monologue of all time, Marking Harding's Sodom and Gomorrah which, as you will discover, are the old names for Oldham and Collyhurst. Go read it. Also on that ste is Napoleon's Retreat From Wigan, another classic.
Get over there and educate yourselves in what really happened in biblical times.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 09:54 CDT
21st October 2004
Big bugger-off light bulb flashes
I cannot believe it has taken me thirty five and a half years to work this one out. Now, we know I drink gallons of tea in the morning don't we? Yes. We do. And we know that the first one goes down in a couple of minutes don't we? Yes we do.
And what is my biggest complaint? That I cannot get a big enough cup to satisfy my morning constitutional in one brew iteration. Today I hit upon the solution to the problem. And it's a DUH of the first order. So simple, it hurts to think of all the time I've wasted and the number of times I've been late while the tea stewed to a satisfactory treacle.
All I need to do is find the two biggest cups in the house tomorrow morning and make them both at the same time. And cart 'em both back to the desk. If I find that I'm still not satiated, I can make three.
Bravo me!
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 15:10 CDT
I think I just had one
I know. I know. What is the material good of getting your webcam going on your Linux box? It's easy on Windoze 'cos everything just works. In Linux, it's a bit of a challenge, so who am I to turn down that challenge. Hence the command center view to your left.
This post title is dedicated to Natzoid who said those exact words in front of a bunch of very severe Christians while examining a new piece of software.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 11:32 CDT
20th October 2004
Revelations
Quote the Missus:
"John Stewart is better informed than you are."
Yes. I totally concur. Except for the fact that his shit doesn't stink and he can't piss straight.
Not funny. I hate obvious gags. They make me want to gag.
I read something over at Steve's place the other day whereby the accused (and I mean Stewart the feckwit, not me) interviewed some Republican figure and suddenly the show turned from comedy to snide. Dead clever. Oh how I wish I had Stewart's luck. I'd sooner be lucky than good any day.
And I suppose next is some other equally talentless feckwit (O'Brien, Leno etc.)
Honestly, how many games of Solitaire can you play in one day while the rest of your household watches "comedy?"
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 22:21 CDT
The joy of Linux
Oh man, am I a happy camper?
I have found a new utility under Linux that rips CDs to disk. cdparanoia is the dog's bollocks. It has some awesome error correction for scratched CDs. The people who wrote that are geniuses or genii (I can never remember which.)
Initially I was a little perturbed to see it writing WAVs as my RealPlayer doesn't like them. However, guess what I found. Another little utility that had been hiding from me, playwave.
Some days are finger-lickin' good.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:58 CDT
19th October 2004
Ooooh
Get a load of this.
The Grauniad have been a bit naughty.
They've asked people in the UK to write to residents of Cook County Ohio, asking them to vote out GWP. Ooooh.
Bit out of order is that.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 13:27 CDT
The dogs are sacked
Peace reigned chez nous this morning save for the occasional click of a mouse. The missus and Sam had offed to their respective job and school, the other two kids were in bed and the dogs snoozed. Imagine then, the fright I got when I heard footsteps behind me. I'm of a fairly nervous disposition at the best of times but when I'm far away in the land of solitaire and I'm spooked, I visibly jump.
This is why we have dogs. I like the barking as someone approaches the house. I like manic sneezing when they are happy to see us come home or get up. It's nice to be loved by something.
Anyway, this morning the dogs absolutely failed. Big F for them. There won't be any doggy treats for them today.
In other canine antics, I'm convinced the Orange Bastard thinks she is human. Not only does she rogue our food on a regular basis, but she has now developed a penchant for tea, coffee and beer. Leave any of those unattended and you're doomed. It will be gone. Where does this end? Is she going to start stealing cigarettes while I sleep? Wearing my clothes? Writing a blog? I may have to point out that most humans do not eat from garbage cans and certainly do not eat soiled diapers.
Dogs. You gotta love 'em but damn, are they hard work.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:23 CDT
18th October 2004
Further erosion
Some smart alec git in the corridors of power of Whitehall commissioned a report into improving the education system in the UK, the perception being that educational standards have been dropping ever since the abolition of school masters wearing black robes and mortar board terrified children into learning.
So Lord Poncenby-Smythe Riddick of The Lesser Havens, Gloucestershire and his "club" buddies sat around sternly, reluctantly sipping scotch and smoking cigars at tax payer expense while they ruminated on this earth shattering conondrum. Obviously senior contributing Lord Arsenby Patrck Fitzgerald and his second in tow Lord Dick Gerald Fitzpatrick had obviously looked at how Americans do it.
Now I have never been through any of the US education system but I do know one thing. I seriously question the value of a US BA or BSc on the basis that they are forced into all sorts of other areas during their undergraduate course and deeper understanding of a specialized subject is sacrificed. I've met a lot of people in the US who would agree with the assertion that a British Bachelor's is the equivalent of a US Master's degree. Anyway I'm digressing. You were enjoying those snifters of aged malt weren't you? So was I. Back to analyzing the decision making process of a bunch of the landed gentry.
Being of course, too afraid to confront the real issue -- I'll come back to that later -- they decided they could either tweak some edges and look like they were playing to the crowd or they could show what unfeasibly large gonads they had and spend some serious tax-payers money over oooh, about ELEVEN years to completely screw up the system and rebuild it from the ground up. Guess what, public school boys love showing you their gonads, 'cos it's butch and reminds them fondly of boarding school and the smell of linement in the changing rooms after raggers (rugby for the US people.) "You remember those days Clarence? Before the oiks were given education. Before the ghastly abolition of the annual caning day for yobs?" Aye. Back when these feckers had 80% of the wealth. Not much changed there then eh? I do wonder how, when I lived in England (nearly) surviving on what I was paid, I ended up paying the highest rate of income tax when I earned a fraction of the income these fossils earned.
The Real Problem™
The real problem facing the education system in the UK is the declining standards of teaching. Any one who started off as a teacher and was good at it has either buggered off and done something else or is desperately clutching on to each second, waiting for retirement. The conditions are horrendous, the paperwork is bordering on lunatic and the pay is appalling given the awesome responsibility placed on their shoulders. Who is going to go into substantial debt to land themselves a job that might pay off their loan before they die? The whole process makes an ISO9000 audit look like a beer and some music after the pub, with good friends.
Rather than squandering massive resources on restructurings, why do they not see the obvious? You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Pay for talent. When you have talent, you don't need creepy and grizzled old bureaucrats snooping round schools to see that the effect of secular basket-weaving has on the economy of The Philipines (Botwsana has been done to death) is known by every pupil. Including Tommy asleep in the corner there - his last SAT score being 26Z.
This is what I was trying to get at in an earlier post. The world is not discreet. It is continuous and all sorts of nasties have to be dealt with using best judgement. You can't wrap it in a process and make everyone learn the same things with a happy ending where every eighteen year old in the land can recite Shakespeare while doing Gaussian Quadrature in their heads.
Whoever commissioned the report was probably acting out of good intentions. The toffs were probably too pissed to notice and handed them the fourth grade US plan. And thank God Tony Blair had the bollocks to stand up and say a very emphatic "NO!"
Someone's head should be metaphorically on a spike outside Downing Street.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 17:42 CDT
Back to reality
I have a couple of things to get through today but I'm going start off with this one.
As is well documented, I have no knowledge of all things pop culture. That is why I keep Natzoid.
Anyway, lo and behold when this headline cropped up on CNN's web page this morning as I was chugging the second pint of tea that was so stewed that even the dogs were cowering.
Firstly I have vaguely heard of the magazine. I attribute that to too much time spent in airports. I have never heard of Angelina Jolie and I've no idea what she does. Oh OK. It says she's an actress. Whatever.
My point of contention is that either the photo used in the story is very unflattering or she's about as plain as any other cosmetically modified Hollywood clone. Honestly, if I passed her in the street I still wouldn't recognise her even after having seen the mugshot.
Remember when Hollywood actresses had figures and personalities? I wasn't even born then and I can name most of the greats on sight. Nowadays I have to consult the Oracle that is my wife who usually responds with a random name I vaguely recollect and she then proceeds to list the films I have seen with said "star" in them. Honestly, where did it all go wrong? The homogeny is tedious.
Time to break out the oldies 'cos I must be old.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 08:49 CDT
17th October 2004
Wow
Is that the time?
Didn't I have something to do today? I can't remember on account of the brass band that appears to have taken up residence at the back of my ears. They don't have visas or anything.
And Nic's exuberent screeches are not their usual cute selves this morning. They are like having knitting needles poked in your eyes. At least we have the Sharp 32" Babysitter model for a few hours. It's one day that I do not object to Nickleodeon.
I remember the days when I could have done last night and got up at 6:00am. Sadly no more.
I feel a quiet day coming on.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 11:19 CDT
16th October 2004
OMG
I didn't even get the quotes right.
Proof-positive that I am rat-arsed.
Shut up. It's Saturday. Everyone is entitled to be banjaxed.
Judgemental bastards. Go back to your Cokes. Wusses.
"It all went crazy again today..."
Fiona who? I know I'm a mess that you don't want to clean up.
Gah. I love the porcelain. I'm going to go worship it. And I'll dance. Stop me monkey.
It all went crazy today...
Burp, Eric, Arsenal. There's been too much today as I sat doing nothing at the computer. I think I need to sleep. All this bollocks-all is tiring. Back to where we entered - BNL.
Told you it would be drivel. Vino and keyboards do not mix.
See ya suckers.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 21:58 CDT
Ah yes
We just cranked the Barenaked Ladies, or BNL as we have judiciously described them to the kids. It was a cover of a classic, but I forget which now. I sang though. Loud.
However We Were Lovers in a Dangerous Time.
Anyway I love the voice of Ani Di Franco. And the N-meister has just downloaded Ani's version of the Minneapolis Midget, Prince. It was sublime.
If you have never done Ani, you need to. And you might want to invite Natzoid around. She sings like a diva and it makes you want to invade Argentina.
The booze consumes...
Well I saw fireworks from the freeway..."
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 21:41 CDT
Oh dear
It's not even seven o'clock and the Smiths are out. This does not auger well. Shortly I'll break out the Shiraz and the world will be blurry.
I'm a tad pissed off actually. Natzoid had me as one of her SIMS and decided to off me. It took me thirty-six hours to die. Bitch. When I kill her tonight, at least I'll have the decency to make it quick. Hopefully insurance companies are just as quick.
Good night Natzoid. Sleep tight.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 19:01 CDT
I lied
Alright, I fibbed. I haven't had a beer yet as I've been worrying about the legal implications. However, I now do have a defense argument:
"M'lud as that cant tell from me accent, ah's not from round theees ere parts. Ahs frum Wiggin. Wiggin's in't t'BST now so yer onnur will realise as what it were aff past nine when I cranked one. It were t'dogs bollocks an all. The defence ereby rests its case."
It's rock solid. Rebuttal anyone?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 15:37 CDT
I don't belieeeeeeeve it
What the hell do you need to do to win these days? Utd have, arguably, the best two strikers in the world, yet they get held to a 0-0 draw at Birmingham.
I'm glad I slept through it. I told you daddy had a happy place to go to last night and boy did he get there. A repeat performance is on the cards as the screams come up from the basement. Happy place not a goalless draw. What time is it and is it illegal in Minnesota to crank a beer at this time (there are some stupid laws here - I cite the illegality of crossing state lines with a duck on your head as proof) or even a litre bottle of vodka?
Expect drivel for the rest of the day. Pappy's leaving you. Don't cry.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 13:36 CDT
15th October 2004
Long week
It has been a long, long week. I think any parent of toddlers will understand when I say this; if I hear one more "daddy" today, I will have to detonate a small nuke on a large city in Asia. I am thinking of taxing the words usage. No, better still ration it and give each sproglet has two questions each day that involve daddy.
It is Friday and I am going to sail away to the land where the slithey toves didst gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borrowgroves and the momewraths outgrabe. 'Twill be brillig.
Fetch me my drinking jumper ma. Papa's got some hard liquor to be suppin'.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 17:52 CDT
Life has its ups
In the immortal words of someone I can't remember but I ritually quoted when performing "gigs", back in the old days when I was all cool and Goth and even lazier than I am now, "Some days are finger-lickin' good and some days are arse-wiping bad."
I have yet to reach a verdict on today although the signs are a tad ropey.
I'd do a crossword report but they're becoming cliched and I am embarassed at my current attempt. Honestly, it's knee-cringingly poor. I wouldn't pass a Turing test today. That's actually a lie in that I posted a couple of comments elsewhere.
Natzoid went a bit OTT on the vino plonko last night and as a result, woke up a jot the worse for wear. It made for interesting conversation though.
"Sammy, find me my swishy black pants."
"OK."
"Are these the ones that make my butt look good? Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? My butt always looks good."
As she left I got the following goodbye:
"If I'm not back by nine, call the infidelity police."
I tried to look up their number just in case. Yellowbook is crap.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 13:22 CDT
14th October 2004
Ob-review
The only thing I can find to like about George W President is that he does have a sense of humor. Dick Cheney's portly form would fall to pieces if he ever laughed. Kerry is a male fembot and John Edwards looks like a guy you might actually want to drink a beer with.
Regardless of their personalities, they are all hypocrites. People who don't admit their own failings while taking potshots at their opposers are nothing more than scum. I have my failings and am quite willing to share them with anyone who asks. The four contenders to run the country couldn't admit that they stole candy from the kitchen cupboard one night when they were four.
The "debates", and I use that term freely, were nothing but spin-doctor posturing. Heaven forbid that we have any substance. Listening to the spin meisters campaign heads this morning, you'd think that both candidates had invented sliced bread, penicillin and the abacus.
I must confess, I fell asleep after ten minutes last night. I think I managed the whole second "debate", and probably two thirds of the first. However I did see it again. I have to ask myself why?
The thing that people need to realise is that the world is not so simplistic that it can be manipulated into 120 second summations. Nor can you can it into hours of similar rhetoric. I was like this at work and it probably made me unpopular, but there are harsh realities and you cannot avoid them. Some things are inately complicated and no matter how uncomfortable the process of dealing with them is, at some point you have to face up to the fact that it's not black and white and the shades of grey do exist.
Republicans tout their free trade like it's a life-saver and the world cannot do without its progression. Liberals "have a plan." Yes. Right. Anyone who has ever been relatively senior in a company will tell you that plans are for boards and share-holders. You nominally stick to them but at the end of the day, strategy is inconsequential and tactics rule. If you believe otherwise, you, sir, are a fool.
Mindless devotion to strategy is what drags the world down. I wish the word never existed. You know, there is a country in Africa where the language doesn't have a word for sorry. They don't have the emotion as a consequence. Bad example I know, but just think about it. If we had never heard of the S word, millions of scrawling, weeping, muling PR people would be out of a job and everything would be so much cheaper. Instead, we have these very people constantly occupying the TV screen with their three word wonders and pathetic partisanship. And I'm not just talking politics.
As children, we listen to our elders and absorb. As adults we appear to be doing no better. We're just so cock-sure that we are right that partisanship rules. I was thinking of writing something like "think outside the box" but I won't. For one it's corporate nonsense and for another, most people don't even know where the phrase comes from.
As I conclude my pathos, let me leave you with my favorite quote of all times.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
You see where I'm going?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 11:56 CDT
13th October 2004
WTF revisited
I'm not sure why I'm so prolific (sic) today but I appear to be very heavily opinionated and jam stacked full of little nuggets (no, I am not constipated.)
Maybe it's just tiredness. Maybe a lack of crack? Who knows?
Anyway, I am of the mind to speak my mind.
23 down sucks. I hate it with a passion. Stupid with, no doubt, an equally stupid answer. I should find some freeware and write my own crosswords for you to struggle over and then tell me that my clues were stupid. But I don't want a Windoze interface. I gots me Linux and I love it.
We have another presidential debate tonight and I for one will be snoozing all the way through it. Kerry and his ideals and Bush and his delusions are too much for me to take. The only person I take seriously nowadays is Jack Cafferty. The bloke is a scream. It's like listening to a grumpy version of me. Not that I ever get that way, of course. I just love moaning about injustices. And he does it so well. Even Sam, at eleven, loves the guy.
Alright. I'm off to take my siesta. See you on the dark side after the revolution. When you've all decided that GWP is a twat of the first order. And that Kerry is twice as dispicable.
Oh America. What are we in for?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 13:42 CDT
Perkin Elmur
I have just realised something that is truly bizarre. As most of you will know, I have the eyesight of a bat. My maternal grandmother is blind, my mother is so short-sighted that she doesn't notice cars and my dad has only one eye due to a chemical accident when he was younger. I have inherited all of the eye problems. My brother has 20-20 vision. Lucky bugger.
A while ago, while in the midst of deep feckedoffedness, I lost my clear glasses and have been relying on my prescription shades. Unbelievably stupid I know.
Anyway, I have been looking at this LCD for months through shades. It has been tough.
I just caught myself peering over the top of my glasses at the screen. If I look upwards, my focus is fine. It is only when I look directly at something that things become fuzzy. Weird.
Now I know quite a lot about vision but not about biology. Could it be that my eye muscles (if that's what you call them) are lazy and more tuned to a certain position? It seems illogical to me that a particular angle of vision is more correct than another. But then again, I can imagine a scenario where lenses are distorted to the extent where only one angle works. I wonder if that happens in eyes? Damn you biology.
This is amazing. All of you who wear glasses should try this. Take 'em off and try looking at your monitor from different angles. Does it appear clearer? I would hazard a guess that it does. Deformations are not likely to be linear and consistent just as hair growth isn't.
Damn. Yet another non-epiphany.
The things you think about when you're not working eh? I know, tripe is not the word. Grease is. But at least I can read that without my glasses. If I look the right way.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 13:04 CDT
Just another tragic Tuesday
Oh wait, it's Wednesday. What the hell? My life zooms by like a zoomy thing on a race track. In fact it probably leaves tire marks that Gil Grisholm will find long after my death and recreate the scene to perfection. And we all know whodunnit except him. 'Twere Natzoid millud. She arrived home to find that the dishwasher wasn't loaded. Manslaughter 2, but it was an exceptional circumstance so we'll let you off with a slapped hand and three rice puddings, to be served in parallel.
So what does today herald? Sunny skies, playful children and a champagne breakfast? No.
Cranky kids who got up too early, grey (England-like) skies and tea. You can spot the good part there. My hook-up hooked a brother up and we're now tea'd up for a while although I invite the Brits to send PG Tips if they can. I'll be your bitch in the next life if you do.
This not so fine morn finds me crankier than a Missus prior to 9am. Kids sans full sleep are like rampant rabies. Evil. They tug and they cry and they fight. But GD it if they will sleep when Maisy is on the TV. Tylenol PM anyone? Just kidding. They would need morphine to go back to sleep at this point. And even that wouldn't stop them from demanding lunch prior to rest.
Two jobs applied for, two pints of tea, two kids who are like bears with piles. I think the framework of today has been sculpted and it's not looking like it's pretty.
More later.
Sven Goran DickinNooneSon, BBC News, Minneapolis.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:01 CDT
12th October 2004
Sorry but WTF?
The most over-rated player of all time gets the captain's armband. Michael Owen as a leader? I think frickin' not.
In the seriously doubtful scenario that I live beyond my three score and ten, I will never have witnessed a more ludicrous decision. The only positive thing is I have new-found hope for my four year old's prospects of one day managing the England team.
Jesus H Christ. Sven's libido must be ruling the side.
I'm sorry. I have to. Does the phrase " Couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo" mean anything to you?
We do live in interesting times. I just wish they were not this interesting.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:47 CDT
11th October 2004
Word of the day
I spent yesterday doing two things I love, cryptic crosswords and playing scrabble. Pam invited me to an online game and I had no trouble in deciding whether to play or not. Who turns down a game of scrabble?
Right now, I'm two thirds of the way through my 8th crossword of 240. I wish I had a Pears dictionary. I might have to break out my old Psion for the anagram function. I'm not nearly as good at them as I used to be; age, senility and vino collapso are cruel mistresses.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 09:11 CDT
10th October 2004
Help required
Danged crossword has me stumped again.
Material ideally suited to men (7)
B _ C _ R _ M
I got the rest. Some great clues in this one (as if you're interested.)
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 15:05 CDT
9th October 2004
Flu vaccine shortage down to Billeee
Scene: A manufacturing plant in Liverpool, England
Scouse 1: Ey Billeee, get sum of them theeere lab cotes on.
Billeee: Aw feckin' Nora - if ah doo that, them there bints in accounts won't see me Nikeeee top.
Scouse1: Y'affot weeeear 'em or ya'll endup back ont dooole.
Billeee: Yooo got any Sunny Delight left?
Scouse 1: Naaa. I gaaaaave the last of it to Yvonne. She's gaggin' for it ya know.
Billeee: Feck. I'll affort drink me Carling what I brought in fer lunch.
Scouse1: Gerron' wit flue vaccines Billeee.
Billeee (taking swig of Carling Black Label): Feck. I've drop me fag ash int vaccine mixer. What shorra I do?
Scouse1: Feck it. It was heading for Americu anyway.
Meanwhile in Quality Control:
Lab Tech scratching his head: Feckin' Nora Albert - I've just seen an empty pack of Regal King Size roll downt line in a bottle. Is thar OK?
Albert: Feck it. It was heading for Americu anyway.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 12:11 CDT
How many jobs?
Last night Kerry cited that GWP had lost 1.6 million jobs since taking the presidency. CNN report that the number is purely private sector and does not take into account government jobs. If you do take them into account the number halved.
So let me get this straight. GWP has created 800,000 government jobs. Party of small government, my ass. And don't tell me that they were all fire-fighters and policemen. That does not hold water when every city has cut back on those services to fund tax cuts.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 11:55 CDT
8th October 2004
I'm thick as pig-sh*t nowadays
Sam is in sixth grade but is doing eighth grade maths. She just brought me, a maths graduate, her homework to check. First of all, I try working out the circumference of a circle using πr². Then it dawns on me that it is actually 2πr so off I go and calculate the circumference again. Wrong. Read the question. They've given you a diameter wazzock. I finally land on πd. Duh.
Natzoid may want to check that spreadsheet I did for her this afternoon. It appears I now have the IQ of George W President (who I am very much looking forward to being spanked again in but a few hours.)
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 16:53 CDT
Losing my marbles
I think I'm losing my grip on the thing that I never really had a good grip on in the first place. I've just caught myself swearing at a solitaire game. Out loud. And very bad words indeed.
Before the bleeding hearts head over to report me to the social services or whatever they are called here, there were no children around. I have them locked in the basement listening to Oasis on a loop. They've been bad and I'm a creative thinker. Yes, I know what you're thinking, I couldn't find the Smashing Pumpkins or Barry White CDs.
The dogs were in here and the moment I shouted my curse, they all came running to me, because I think they think their names are MotherF***er, Sh*tBag and B*ggeringNora, all three of which are patron saints of various dog crimes.
Speaking of the orange bastard, she's today dined on a bowl of pea-soup that I could have sworn was out of her reach. Oh, and Nic kindly fed her his breakfast.
It's not easy reliving Groundhog Day. Thank God it's Saturday tomorrow. I'm going to sneak out early and hurl myself in the Mississippi river for some variation. In the meantime, how about a nice game of Diamond Mine and a blue streak?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 14:23 CDT
The lunatic fringe
And I ain't talking about my haircut.
I'm feeling a little bit feisty today. I little bit ooh. And a little bit whey. "Not unusual," I hear your brain's dripping sarcasm. Well let's put it this way, I'm just a tad on the arrogant side of nuking small countries. I guess it's just one of those days where I am compelled to strongly held views. And the news doesn't help much.
As you will no doubt have read, Ken Bigley was beheaded today by a bunch of loons in Iraq. Loons that think that beheading is a fitting and appropriate tactic in a guerilla war where civilian hostage-taking is considered acceptable. They must be getting quite good at it now having had practice on two Americans before hand.
These, quite frankly, are a special kind of sadistic whack-job. They deserve more attention than they are getting. Given my mood today, I am half tempted to say carpet bomb the whole bloody place.
I cannot for the life of me understand how you can be so passionate about something that you are willing to chop off someone's head. Someone who has nothing to do with the perceived war you are fighting. There are certain things that I would fight for, but with guns, not with decapitation. I have a theory that they don't even know what they are really fighting for and it's just a knee jerk reaction to people who don't think you should be fighting. After all, they don't appear to discriminate between muslims and non-muslims. They behead their fellow muslims for being a differing shade of muslim from themselves.
Look guys, you have the world's attention. Hell, even one of your own in the guise of Gadaffi asked you politely in your native tongue to not chop people's heads off. You don't even listen to him. Is that because he decided against pursuing unconventional weaponry? What a sell-out eh? What more attention do you want? You're like toddlers in a supermarket - "look at me, everybody look at me."
What we need is an operation similar to that of the Embassy siege in London in the eighties (I think it was the Iranian one) where a crack team of SAS officers pile in, take you out and then we all make films about it. And dance up and down at the end when we've splatted your worthless gizzards over some ramshackle walls. Smoke everywhere, and the boys in black emerge completely unscathed, suffering from nothing more heinous than five o'clock shadow. We'd have to ask Mel Gibson not to produce it though - he'd want the real deal on the beheadings.
Seriously though. Capture is not an option for these people. They are too dangerous. They need to be shot/bombed/nuked on sight.
Sorry about that. Bit of a rantorama there. Just be thankful you don't live with me.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 13:20 CDT
Sven considers the unthinkable
Speculation is mounting that Sven Goran KnobbinAnyoneSon is considering playing a three pronged attack against Wales.
What was it that Oscar said about fox-hunting? "The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable."
The three pronged attack is akin to the unplayable in a team of the unthinkable.
What the hell is Sven smoking? Michael Owen has no right to don three lions in his current international form. We might as well field ten men. And Ferdinand has had how much match time since he came back from his ban?
The straw will be if James plays.
I hope I'm wrong but I have bad feelings about this.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 11:23 CDT
7th October 2004
Pea soup update
Look at this magnificent bastard:
Click on the pic if you have broadband and can stand to be confronted with about ten pounds of peas and ham in God's finest pea-soup apertured digital goodness.
I pity the fool who tries to top this one. You see that spoon? That's upright is that. A serving spoon. Never let it be said I didn't bring a touch of class to the US. The whole concept is beyond the ken of your average American. Sorry my US brethren, but only in Lancashire could the twisted minds create this kind of gastronomic orgasm.
I'm ranting now. I'll leave with you with the fact that it's top.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 18:02 CDT
Uncommon wisdom
My grandfather had a great phrase for unidentified insects. He called them shite-hawks. A better description I have never come across. I mention this because every year at about this time, we get infested with these shite-hawks that kind of look like ladybirds but they're not. And every year I forget what they are called. A something beetle, I think. But shite-hawk is good enough.
This morning heralded the annual attack chez nous. Time to unleash the Shop Vac methinks.
Natzoid's grandmother had a phrase to the extent that if you made a soup and it took less than two days, it wasn't worth making. Natzoid's infamous pea soup has been on the go for nearly three days. It's thicker than GWP. I can't wait for dinner.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Thu 09:11 CDT
6th October 2004
Fixin' to rant
You'd think the bloody world had ended for the amount of moaning that goes on whenever the channel is changed or there is no picture on the TV here. Desperate screams resonate all around the house.
"Dad, dad! Nic brokeded the TV again."
She always uses eded on the end of past participles.
Heaven forbid that they actually play with the myriad toys that are knocking around. Oh no. That would be too much like using your imagination and that requires effort whereas bloody Maisy requires less than none.
Next time Nic messes it up, it's going off.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 12:35 CDT
Today's clue(s)
A daily double...
HIJKLMNO (5)
A common horse inbred, well boasted about (7)
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 09:39 CDT
Deuce
Well, as usual, the web is full of conflicting reports on last night's debate between vice-presidential hopefuls. Republicans are claiming a Cheney victory and Liberals are crowing that Edwards won. In actual fact, it was a dead-heat. There was nothing really notable about either side. On the one hand, it wasn't as embarassing as GWP's performance last week so maybe a branch for the right to cling to. On the other, the relatively inexperienced Edwards held his own against the elder statesman.
I did manage to stay tuned in to the whole thing this time although it did take a nice glass of Shiraz to ease the pain.
The only part of the discussion that got me in the slightest bit animated was the Iran question. I have long held that Iran is a country of rabid psychopaths with all the humanitarian skills of Stalin. Their recent boasts of missile ranges should send a signal as to where their collective conscience is. Do you hear the UK or US issuing press releases on how far their missile systems will go? No. When someone does that, it is a sign of intent. It's a "my dad's a 6'3" Scotsman with a temper like an alligator and he can beat up your dad before his first scotch of the morning."
Anyway, summary of the debate: dull with wet patches.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Wed 08:29 CDT
5th October 2004
Don't ask me
My son is currently eating his own diaper-rash cream. Do I stop him? Is it toxic? Or do I just trust to luck and let him get on with it while I prepare lunch?
No-one ever helps you with this kind of thing. Years of school fail you and you're left with a "WTF?" expression on your face as you balance the needs of the others against the needs of the daft bugger who is eating diaper-rash cream.
Perhaps an ice-cream? Yes. An ice-cream. Diaper-rash flavored, of course.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 12:42 CDT
I'm just too good to you
At the popular request of one reader (alright, I suggested it and he thought it was a mildly OK idea), I bring you...drumroll please Eric...I said DRUMROLL PLEASE ERIC...something that I will do as long as I can bothered (which might be one day, or might be the next several decades depending on how my Gout is)...drumroll...
The cryptic clue of the day! Woohoo. Woot. Other nonsensical noises.
Today, being the first day, I'll go easy on you.
Assembled to claim the lady (8)
First person to get it right gets a guest blog chez nous. The judge's decision is final, irrevocable and completely legally binding. So screw you number two. I ain't got time for losers. And this is an easy one just to lull you into a false sense of security.
I told you it was going to be a long-assed day. Which is kind of like a long-assed baboon except there are no visible horrible pink bits.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 11:57 CDT
Madge hits back at Elton John
London, England -- In a stunning and articulate rebuttal this morning, pop Diva, Madonna "Madge" Ciccone hit back at Sir Elton John branding him a "faggoty talentless hack of a faggot." She went on to detail that she had thrown all her EJ collection of CDs out after the "outrageous and truly disturbing" outburst in Taiwan just a few short days ago.
The pop superstar who made her fortune on the backs of superior song writers hits such as "Justify My Lunch", "Bike a Mayor" and "Immaterial Whirl", is no stranger to controversy herself after a string of potty words at live televised events. In fact, it was she who played tonsil hockey with Brittney Spears at some award show some time ago that no-one would remember were it not for the lesbian lavatory lust scene.
Madge who was edged out for Best Live Act by contemporaries Muse, was reported to be furious as she had bought a new frock for the occasion. Rumors of a large consignment of Altoids abounded too as the media speculated as to who she was going to snog this week. EJ is a long shot at 500-1 outsider position according to bookies William Hill.
Sporting her new frock, Madge flounced availably out of the ceremony and hit the Jack Daniels and crack. Her chosen note is a fifty.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 09:06 CDT
We interrupt this news flash to bring you Noggin
So, there I was, sat with the first coffee of the morning, laughing heartily at Kenny Borowitz when who should appear but the Beanified one? Having just coaxed Nic back to sleep, I couldn't risk the prospect of a fully fledged Bean tantrum, so had to relent. Bye-bye CNN. Hello frickin' Noggin.
This is going to be one long assed day.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Tue 08:14 CDT
4th October 2004
You know you're old?
The headline that grabbed my attention this morning was that the actress from the film Psycho, Janet Leigh, has died aged 77.
It's bizarre. I think I'm right in saying that the film was made in the 70s, a short 30 years ago, when I was still in junior/elementary school. Don't blink or that thirty years will have gone and you too will be on your way to the barbeque in a long box. Except this time no sausages for you.
Our lives are so fleeting that we matter not a jot in the vast scheme of things. Occasionally, some of us will do good and equally, some of us will do unspeakable evil. If Hitler hadn't been born, would we live in the same world we do today? Probably not.
Our stay on this planet is just a short-term lease with no binding contract. Sixty or seventy years is but a flash in the vast eternity. Soon we will be names in a genealogy database, just as our predecessors. No face, no legend, no reason to have been.
It's all a bit rubbish really innit kids?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Mon 10:15 CDT
3rd October 2004
Another damned vice
As if I don't have enough vices, what with the smokes, the vino, the Law and Order, the CSI, the Allo Allo and the web, I have rediscovered an old vice. Cryptic crosswords.
I was searching for the manual for something or other a couple of days ago and found a pristine Telegraph book of cryptic crosswords. Guess where my head has been for tha last day or so? Yup. I have two hundred and forty of the feckers to be made my bitches. Three down, two hundred and thirty-seven to go.
Favorite answer and new word of the day: PANTHEIST. Thanks to BNUG for his assistance in verification of the answer. For those that are interested, it means someone who believes God and the universe are the same. According to the Wellygraph clue, this translates to stoic. Sometimes the clues are rubbish.
I used to love the Guardian crosswords, but they went from the sublime to the ridiculous. And now you have to pay to get at them online. Screw that. I have many hours ahead of me. It's a long road and there are many cliches and mental flip-flops(TM) to be performed.
Back to 15 across which is driving me bloody nuts:
In the distance there is one Russian type (7)
_ _ S _ _ L _
Help!
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 16:49 CDT
How fert speyk Leyth
Someone has too much time on their hands.
However I will give you a primer. I'm sure the resourceful Paulo will have summot fert say.
Tha mornt - You mustn't
Sithi - I'll see you
Sithi ron - I'll see you later on
Nowt - Nothing
Spadger - Sparrow
Sheppy - Starling
Leyther - One who comes from Leigh
Wigginer - One who comes from Wigan
Owd up - Hold on a moment my good fellow
Chippie's oppen - There is a way to get that crown green bowl near the jack
Purra bobby on it - Block access to the jack by bowling right in front of it
Ast geet - Have you got
Now go practice.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 14:58 CDT
Priceless
When your front room looks like the dogs have been partying like French football fans, how much do you need to pay to rectify the situation?
Answer: $20 per kid over the age of 5.
Bargain.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sun 11:47 CDT
2nd October 2004
Americanisms
Samantha has just related a long and very boring story about a girl at her school. It was to do with home-coming. My question is: where are they coming home from? Have they done a tour of duty in Iraq or something?
I have yet to understand the American school vocabulary. Where are the prefects? Where are the uniforms? Where do they hide the cane? Are whiteboard erasers as effective a weapon as blackboard dusters? Where is the fear, the gruel and the disgusting custard? Where are the sadistic 5'2" headmasters who stink of Vicks vapor rub and patrol the school yard in combat fatigues just waiting for you to sneeze in an incorrect manner?
It strikes me we're heading downhill.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 13:50 CDT
Sell-out time?
I have been approached by a company who want to advertise on El Bloggo. On the one hand, I have principles and find banner ads to be offensive, and pop-ups to be abhorrent. On the other, I could do with all the cash I can get. Do I become a hypocrite and sell out to the man, or do I hold fast, safe in the knowledge that I'm skint and not likely to be not skint in the near term?
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Sat 11:52 CDT
1st October 2004
Of dogs and presidential candidates
First off, I know how you like your dog stories, so I will relate the recent antics of the orange bastard.
Yesterday morning I got up to find that the garbage can had been relieved of much of its contents. Soiled diapers were abundant and coffee grounds sprayed the kitchen and much of the dining room. A Terry's chocolate orange box lay half-consumed and a pepsi can looked as if a car had run over it. Par for the course really.
This morning, I caught the orange git with a can of tuna. Nic and Zoe like to play "shopping" which involves covering the kitchen floor with canned and boxed produce. The orange one had stolen a can of tuna and actually managed to get into it using only her teeth. Unbelievable. A few moments later, I caught her back in the garbage - she has actually learned to stand on the pedal to open it up. Bastard. It now has a gallon of white vinegar on top of it such that if she tries her moves again, I will know immediately due to the clatter that will ensue.
I reckon a pre-emptive beating might be in order today.
Moving on to "the debate", I was pleasantly surprised. I had expected a Paula Abdul choreography of a show, yet even if it was planned to the last cough it did have the appearance of being free-flowing. I must confess, after the first 45 minutes, my attention started to wane and I opted for a glass of chardonnay. I was tempted to watch a Law and Order repeat but tried to persevere.
Kerry did very well at making Bush squirm. It is the first time I have seen that. It gives me some hope. Not for Kerry as president, but that George W President actually is of the species homo sapien rather than the guiltless mug that usually pontificates in monosyllabic soundbites. In all fairness, I thought Kerry didn't only wipe the floor with him, but threw him in the garbage afterwards. I half expected to find GWP on my dining room floor, chewed to pieces, this morning with a very self-satisfied orange bastard licking her chops next to him.
Anyway, after about 45 minutes of rousing wit and wisdom banal mud-slinging, I was distracted by the Missus in her night attire which signalled the end of my punditry. The kids were in bed. I'll leave it there.
Dogs and presidential debates. Two great tastes that really don't go together. But I managed it. And I even got a hint of something racey in there. I'm on fire today.
Comments (), Permalink, Posted: Fri 08:29 CDT
